A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I have been friends for 7 years. She has always been the promiscuous type; all the boys have to love her. One thing that has been bothering me lately is her tendency to put men over me. I understand that when you're dating someone and you're in love you should always put your partner first, but she's not in serious relationships with any of these men. Well, for the past week, a good friend of ours has been home visiting all his friends and family. He and I have always had this thing between us. We're friends first, but we have this no strings attached sex relationship, too. It's not a problem for either of us, we both love having sex together, but we just don't have any other attraction to each other. My best friend is always trying to get him in bed, and he's just not turned on by her, and he's turned her down several times already. She knows what goes on between us, and she gets angry and jealous when he comes to visit me. She has her pick of any and every man she could want. She's attractive and she just oozes sex. When she does get alone with him, she crawls all over him. I don't mind what or who he does because that's not my business, but when she gets like this, it affects my and hers friendship. The real problem in all this is when my friend came home to visit a couple days ago, they went out together alone. Yesterday, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere with him, and I agreed. The first thing I did was call my best friend to see if she wanted to come, too. She told me that she had already seen him, but she would come with us, too. The reason she didn't ask me if I would like to join them is so she could flirt and make an ass out of herself with him. She told me the reason why is she couldn't get a hold of me, but that's not true. I was home that night and my phone didn't ring once. It just irks me that I thought of her first when I made plans with my male friend and all she could think of was getting in bed with him when she had plans with him. I'm tired of dealing with this, and even though I love her like a sister, I just can't go on with her like this. My male friend and I did go out last night, and I didn't call my best friend to join us. She didn't bother calling me once to ask where I was, but his cell phone rang incessantly all night. How do I discuss this problem I'm having with her without it turning into a full blow out? I don't want to lose her because she is the closest friend I have. I know, who needs friends like her, but she's only like this when it comes to men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUncle Phil- If him and I didn't have this relationship that we have, then I would have no problems with her and him having a sexual relationship. It would be so odd to know that the person I have sex with is having sex with my best friend, too. That's the only reason I would get uncomfortable with them doing anything. If he and I stop having sex and he proceeds with her, it wouldn't be a problem because then he's only sleeping with one of us. I do have some sort of standard...I don't want my friend's leftovers. You get what I mean?What bothers me most is he has turned her down a thousand times in the past several years, but she just keeps trying. Who the hell does that? One or two rejections should be sufficient, but she keeps going back for more. It's not that he favors my friendship with him more than the one he has with her, we just like having sex. When one of us is dating someone, we stop having sex. When we're both single, we do. It's not any more complicated than that. I don't know, there's probably more to it than that from her end, I'm going to try and talk to her tomorrow when I'm off work. I know she's going to be furious with me for standing her up Saturday night, but I feel like she deserved it. I'll let you all know what happens. Thanks for the advice!
A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 I just also have to add after reading your follow up, you just seem so confident and carefree, traits your friend is probably very deeply jealous of, consdiering how low her self esteem seems to be! She feels threatened and overshadowed by you, when it comes to men and confidence and self happiness.
Her playthings probably don't seem all that intriguing because you don't want them. Your plaything is a challenge, he would be the ultimate "I am the most beautiful girl in the group" for her, she would have conquered all then. And probably still felt empty.
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (4 November 2007):
Wow, your friend really can't stand for you to have any attention at all can she! She sounds like a ball of insecurities. Needing constant attention and compliments from men...That's pretty sad.
But anyway. It's a tough one because it sounds like either way, she's not going to take what you say kindly. She doesn't sound like the type who would take the truth easily.
Maybe write her a letter. Tell her it offends you that she is trying to get with the guy you are in an open relationship with. Does she really want to have sex with the same guy as you?? She just is jealous of the attention you get from him.
Tell her exactly what you have said here, in gentler terms if needs be. It's not on and you shouldn't be a doormat to her!
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A
female
reader, JackieR +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Why are you still friends with her, when she puts you so low on her agenda??? What are you really getting out of this friendship??
It seems to me that she has a big problem with herself, and needs to be valued and worshipped by other men, to make herself feel good. This is why she is chasing your friend, because she needs him to tell her how beautiful she is, how sexy she is, and how she is the best looking girl he has ever met etc can you see what i am trying to say?? Her self esteam is too low for her to feel those things for herself, and you may not believe this but she is jealous of you, because you come across as emotionally stronger and you don't have problems with yourself, and she wishes she was more like you!!
If you want to keep this friendship going you are going to have to understand her better and maybe help her feel good about herself, but this is a very hard thing to do as trying to tell someone they are a worthwhile person when they feel emotionally crap about themselves, is like filling a bucket with water with a hole at the bottom!!
She has to realise herself that she has a problem first and i'm not sure she is ready to see that in herself!!
Hope i have helped!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): I think I understand what you're saying, but it's a little difficult for me to grasp the finer points!
She's apparently not yet got to the stage of actually having sex with him. You could let both him and her know that if it does get to that stage then one of them has to say goodbye to your friendship, or however you class your relationships with them.
On the other hand, if you don't mind what either of them does, why does it bother you that they might 'get it on'? You either mind what they do or you don't. I'm just a little confused about the whole setup! If I've got it wrong I'm sure you'll tell me!
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe rivalry is completely one sided, and it's her side. I have no problems with what he does. I mean, if he wanted to have the relationship with her that he has with me, then I would stop sleeping with him because that would just be too weird, but the point I want to make is I don't mind what he does. I don't have that territorial thing over him. He's not my boyfriend, we just like to have sex together. I do what I want with other men, and he does what he wants with other women. When he comes home, though, there's a guarantee for great sex for both of us.
She wants what I have with him, probably more. And it makes her so angry because he's the one person in our circle of friends that she hasn't screwed. It's like she has to be the dominating female with the rest of us. I don't feel guilty and I don't feel smug about it, either. What my friend and I do behind a closed door is none of her business.
I don't know, it's hard to explain exactly what the problem is. It all just comes down to I'm sick of her putting her sex life over everything, and she's willing to jeopardize our friendship just so she can have sex with my friend. She's willing to drop anyone and anything to get what she wants, and that's what makes me angry. The whole thing about her wanting to get in bed with him doesn't bother me, because like I said, it's not my business. But she needs to quit putting her need to get alone with him over me. I don't do that to her, I would never even think of it. It's just sex.
And yes, he is my plaything, but he's my only plaything, and she has 20 playthings. I don't care that their friends, and I wouldn't care if they started sleeping together as long as him and I stopped, but why the competition? I mean, geez, she can have anyone, why try with my friend? Even if him and I never had sex, I would still question her. He doesn't like her like that, why doesn't she get it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): I'm not sure there's a nice way to do it, but if you have to, just tell her straight - he's your plaything and not hers. Having said that, he's the one who has to make the decisions here, so tell him although you have an unconventional relationship, you'd prefer it if he stayed away from her for your sake.
Seems like some sort of rivalry going on here.
Phil
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