A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a married man and the girl I work with is in a long term relationship. About 8 months ago, I started getting real strong feelings for her. Rightly, or wrongly, I thought the best way to deal with this would be to put a bit of distance between us. We'd always spent a lot of time during the day together and she's quite touchy feely so I thought I'd take myself out of the situation.I don't know why the feelings started. We'd known each other for 4 years previously and I'd never taken any notice of the things like the daily arm on the shoulder, the wanting to go to lunch with me etc. until a couple of people mentioned it and asked if we fancied each other. I started looking at things in a different light but deep down I think it's just because we are such good mates and can confide everything in each other, that she acts towards me the way she does.Being cold and distant towards her was hard and a couple of times she became really emotional which made me feel even worse.Everytime she questions why I've changed I make up excuses like I'm busy but she thinks it's because I don't like her. This makes me feel ten times worse as it's me with the problem and not her. I can't tell her how I feel as there's too much on the line for both of us but I can't go back to being all friendly when I know the strong feelings will come flooding back. How can I put some distance between us without hurting her anymore than I already have? any advice appreciated and needed!Rob
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (23 February 2007):
 There's no reason why you can't still be friends with her. If you feel she's coming on a bit strong or touchy feely then mention something you're doing for your wife like taking her to a movie tonight or preparing a special surprise for her, taking her out to dinner, something that tells your friend to "back off" without you actually saying it. She'll soon see she has no chance with you (if that of course is how she's feeling or what she's hoping for.)
If she suggests going to lunch tell her you can't you're busy or you're meeting your wife, anything to put her off. If she says to you you're no fun any more or why you've changed let her know you didn't know you HAD changed, you just have a lot going on in your life at the moment and work is really keeping you occupied too. If you continue to put her off in this way then she'll soon get the message, trust me!
You're to be commended for noticing the warning signs and not wanting to let anything to jeopardise that bond and closeness you've already built up with your wife.
Eve
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): Oh my goodness, hi Rob.
I had to write and tell you that a married friend of mine is treating me the same way you are treating this lady, and it is such a relief to hear a guy in a similar situation express his feelings on the matter.
Speaking as someone who is on thr receiving end of similar treatment, which I completely understand, may I suggest you firmy but kindly say to the girl that you are keeping your distance for reasons such as the ones you have mentioned in your question. If my guy had just said that he was going to disappear in order to cope with the situation his way, it would have helped me tremedously these past 2 months. Instead I have been thinking and wondering and feeling miserable and rejected, all because he didn't say he was going to cut off contact, he just did it.
One firm but kind explaination would be very reassuring for the girl Im sure. If she still won't accept the situation then that is her problem, but please be honest with her if you can.
Good luck xx
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