A
female
age
36-40,
*a petite belle
writes:Hello, First off thank you in advance for taking the time to read and offer advice :)I have a FRIEND that insists on hanging out with me and stuff. He invited me to a wedding in Washington state, he calls me "sexy", "Pretty lady" and things like that, he will always be readily available for me, if I change plans or cancel on him, he asks how or when we can make it up, he is constantly inviting me to places and took me to a fancy restaurant for my bday and he paid for everyone in the table.Now, our bdays are about a week apart, so in terms of "zodiac" sign we are both aries, sometimes, I like to spoil my dates being fancy and what not (take the zodiac thing with a grain of salt, if you want), so part of me thinks it's "normal". The problem is that I am familiar with rejection (from my ex whom I still miss from time to time) I know it sucks and it hurts and even I know when it's time to say "so long"... when someone doesn't make the effort to call or text, doesn't make plans with you, doesn't include you in her plans, when someone "accidentally" texts her friend about her current crush (my gym manager is my crush and oh boy!!! does he have me dragging my feet over him!!!" anyways back to the story), when someone rejects 90% of your invitations, wouldnt you think it's a clue?in one of the texts I "ACCIDENTALLY" sent to him it said (this is pretending to text my best friend Rosi): "Oh Rosi!!! Adam (made up name) is soooo sweet but I am glad I was able to clear the air, he's so sweet but right now I am only looking for friendships, I JUST need a friend!" and Brett (my "friend")replied "you totally just sent that to the wrong person", I played stupid and then just yesterday I texted my friend Rosie again telling her "oh!!! i was so fine not worrying about men and then John happens! I am sooo not used to a guy having that effect on me!, I lose coherence, confidence, words... oh!!!! John!!!! I hate liking him so much!" and Brett was like "wrong person again..." but nevertheless, I hung out with him (I had promised him I would hang out and I felt bad cancelling and rejecting him and he had said that he just wanted to be friends and I was hoping this text would end it.But right after we hung out he texted me "it was great seeing you, you were looking sexy in that dress tonight, I still want to try your cooking skills"... As if I was wearing that dress for him... I actually wore that dress because I knew I was going to stop by and talk to my gym manager (John) and I wanted to IMPRESS JOHN, not Brett but from the sounds of Brett, I think he thinks I dressed for him...Ok, so now I'm getting REALLY ANNOYED... I do not think he JUST wants to be friends and I hate having to come up with excuses to decline his invitations, (he still wants me to go to the wedding) and touching my butt and caressing my knees (and I think I might have felt him getting "excited" when we were kind of close in the couch, I always hug him goodbye! I turn away when he has tried to what looks like kiss me, this is not what my guy friends do (unless they are gay, which in that case I have no problem cause I know that's how they are) how do I tell him nicely? I have been trying to come up with "accidental" texts about how I feel about him, about John (oh John!!! :) *daydreaming*)and he still calls me sexy, makes his plans to match mine, I don't know this is even making him look clingy and it has diminished his masculinity and the appeal that as some point I considered... I don't like guys that are WILLING TO MODIFY EVERYTHING to accommodate a girl, once in a while, it is sexy and appreciated but modifying everything??? come on! (he is also 10 years older than me and based on a past relationship with the same age difference, it all went downhill after a few months)What should I say? I still know it hurts to be rejected but I am done! and do you think we could be casual friends?
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best friend, confidence, crush, my ex, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): Thank you everyone. I never meant to be childish, I guess I felt bad because I know it is really painful to be rejected and Now that I am on the other side of the coin, I know it's uncomfortable to rejec someone as well. I just wanted him to understand my clues. They say actions speak loser than words so I was hoping this would ring true this time, I truly never meant to be childish, I wanted him to understand without having to actually say "I'm not attracted to you", I know if my ex wereTo say those words it would ^^^^ me but since his actions how me that, I was hoping that ^^^t would see my actions as a lack of interest... I haven't heard from him in 2 days... I am okay, I just hope he doesn't feel bad (I doubt it though) -la petite belle
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 May 2013):
 Agree with everyone else... do not play games. it's childish and immature.
Be an adult and go out for coffee or something casual where you can sit face to face and talk... and then tell him where he stands with you and how you feel about him and ask him to stop saying things about how you look or such that make you feel uncomfortable because you don't feel that way about him and nothing he says or does will change that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 May 2013):
Yeah, I agree, the games are very immature. There's no need to go out of your way to hurt his feelings, but coming out and telling him that you're not interested is perfectly acceptable and a grown man should be able to handle it.
It's not as if you're breaking up with him, you're just declining his advances, which you should have done a long time ago.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (24 May 2013):
 You're too old to play these games. Tell him directly that you feel no romantic attraction to him AND STOP ACCEPTING HIS GIFTS.
Spend less time with him. You're just going to end up giving him hope that you two might have a future together if you continue hanging out with him.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I know you think you're being aloof and he's the one who's being thick by not getting the message, but the truth is that you're leading him on by hanging out with him and not being straight with him. He probably thinks you're playing hard to get. Stop playing games with him. Sending texts to him "by accident" is immature and cruel. Also, once - OK, but twice? He'll see through that and think you're teasing him. You need to learn how to actually reject someone. You don't have to be mean about it, but you do need to be honest. How he reacts to what you tell him is up to him. He's likely to be upset, and you may lose the friendship, but in the long-term he will suffer less because he will know the truth.It'll be awkward, but you need to be direct. Tell him you're aware you might be about to make a big fool of yourself but that you feel like he wants more than friendship from you. Then make it clear that you are not interested in the same thing. Don't say you're still hung up on an ex, or you're not looking for a relationship at the moment, or anything that will make him think that it's worth continuing to pursue you. Tell him you don't feel the same and it's up to him if he wants to continue to be friends, knowing that you are not going to change your mind and the two of you are never going to be together. Leave it to him to decide if he can handle that. As I said, you may lose him as a friend, but you would know that he was probably hanging out with you because he thought he had a chance, not because he actually wanted to be your friend. You'll win either way.I used to try avoid-y tactics to put guys off if I wasn't interested in them and get annoyed if they didn't get it, so I understand where you're coming from. There was one guy who spent three years (on and off) trying to get together with me. I tried many things, except directness. We once had a misunderstanding about something and he asked me if we were still friends. I said that we were, and he asked me if we would ever be anything more, and I was tired of messing around so I said NO. I waited for something terrible to happen, but guess what - nothing did. The world kept turning, he was fine, I was fine. That was an important moment for me and I realised that I was allowed not to reciprocate someone's feelings. Allow yourself that, too.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 You need to stop these games. Sorry, but it is childish to send a text to him pretending to be for your friend. Everyone knows you didn't just "accidentally" send it to the wrong person.
This is how we used to do things when we were 14... You're too old for these silly games.
Just be blunt. Guys DO NOT take a hint. Ask him "Are you into me? Because I've been getting that impression, and I don't want things to get weird between us. You do know I like you as a friend, and I wouldn't want to risk losing that friendship. You're a great guy, but I just don't like you that way".
Be blunt. And stop the silly games, they'll only make you both embarrassed.
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A
female
reader, la petite belle +, writes (23 May 2013):
la petite belle is verified as being by the original poster of the question Correction: i didn't mean that he will "always be readily available" I mean that he is always willing to accomodate to my circumstances and while that is AMAZING... it just loses its appeal after he is willing to accomodate to my every circumstance... I dont mean to sound mean, I really don't
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