A
male
age
36-40,
*ocust
writes:Some weeks ago I posted about seeing an escort as a way to experience intimacy, but several women have replied to my post. I have thought about what they said realize seeing a escort won't fix anything. Today I decide at end of my class to just to strike up a conversation wit ha girl who I don't have any interest in but just to get the feel to talk to people. She seem perfectly okay with it, and didn't feel like I invaded her private space. I said that because there are some people rather just stay to themselves and I guess I ran into these people.I was a bit shocked for myself, but I think if I had interest I would never had done it. When I see someone who I'm interested in I freeze can't do it because I'm thinking really hard what to say, what words should I use to indicate I want to date than just a friendly hangout. I have a struggle being direct and feel a bit afraid of being direct.Given my lack of experience of dating anyone I find it difficult because women probably would expect me to know the roles of the relationship. I find it a bit scary and bothers my confidence to build a relationship with a woman. It's like a job they want someone with experience and I sort of feel that may apply for women as well. Also body language signals I suck at that I may have seem them already but I most likely never understood them.Is it true even if the woman is not into the guy but if he asked her out, she would still appreciate his courage? Since I was 11 years old I had grew up with my mother so I guess its bit hard for me since I never had that male role model to talk to me about women. I think this is what makes it hard since I'm doing everything blindfolded. I'm still got shyness but meeting people throughout college has helped me but I think like on the previous post I had I'm afraid of rejection. But someone said by not trying I rejecting them, I never thought of that. I think the rejection part is not so much the no but how it happens. I remember in high school I remember I tried during freshmen year she said ewwww. Even though its been a long time ago, that moment is still in memory.I ready to make change and I personally believe I can do it on my own with some tips and advice on ways to improve and get over any issues I have.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Avoid the entire dilemma by not asking her out on a date. As of yet, you haven't gotten the grip of talking to people randomly, so do not jump ahead of yourself and start wondering what to do in so and so long time from now.
It's really pointless to say you can talk to women you already know and not women you don't know... Because how did you manage to get to know the woman you already know then, if you never talked to her? See my point? At some point you need to talk to people, one way or the other, otherwise you'd not know anyone.
And, please forget about this silly idea of having to approach a random stranger on the streets. No one suggested you do this. Talking to women you do not know is NOT the same as approaching strangers on the streets. Once you start talking to women and not just random guys, you'll get the hang of this. Just like you wont talk to a random stranger who's a guy on the streets, nor would you talk to a woman. But you DO talk to people you do not know in several other situations, so focus on those. At uni, at gatherings, in line at the cafeteria, at the table where you sit and study, next to you at a game etc. There are zillions of situations where you find yourself next to a woman where a conversation would be natural to have.
As for how to ask on dates? Do not worry about this at all. It sorts itself out. Only women who are dense can't figure out that a guy asking to meet up is asking for a date. Doesn't matter if you don't include the word date, every intelligent girl will be able to pick up the signal if you're showing an interest. It'll just happen naturally.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2014):
 P.S. You can talk to women who have boyfriends, you know. Just talking to them doesn't mean you are hitting on them or asking them out. They may have friends who are single.
The more people you meet and greet, the greater the chance you will meet someone who is right for you.
Just turn off that inner critical voice, that is what is holding you back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2014):
Don't wonder, think, ponder, analyze, read a blog or an article, or in anyway try to figure out what to do next. Just talk, converse, smile, learn about the other person, talk, converse, smile when appropriate, listen, listen, listen and learn and keep doing that in the classroom.
On campus, as you walk from class to class, make eye contact, smile, nod, say "hi" "nice day" or "can't wait for this winter to end" or whatever is appropriate, to the people you see every day.
When you are waiting in line somewhere or walking or even sitting in the library, stay off any mobile devices, look at people, if you see someone you are in class with, greet them, ask a question about class.
Unplug, be present in the moment, tell that little inner critic that lives in your mind to *shut the F*CK UP!* when he starts to undermine you.
Talk to as many people as you can stand. Learn some names. Learn some things you didn't know about them. Make more friends.
You are practicing, you see. It takes practice.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Ask the girl you've spoken to already to lunch or dinner. Get your feet wet. Please don't make us chew the same hash twice. Report back after you actually go on a date.
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A
male
reader, locust +, writes (20 March 2014):
locust is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did what you guys said and manage to meet one lady just to get the hang of things. I think its a good start. Now the next thing I need to figure out is how I can take this outside the classroom.
I know other women but they have boyfriends already. But the idea I'm starting to discover for myself I can have a conversation with a girl already know but shy at starting one with a girl I don't know. I actually feel better about myself that I was able to do something I thought was impossible. Now approaching someone outside like on the street would be tough.
I can do this a few times but what I'm wondering is if I run into someone who I find interesting how would you ask her for a date instead of a normal friendly hangout.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 March 2014):
You analyze and assume way too much. You assume women are identical and every woman thinks the same and feels the same and it somehow must be something negative about you.
It's getting old. You don't know what women think because you're not a mind reader, and women are individuals! We're not all one and the same, we do not think the same things, we do not like the same things, and there is no such thing as "enough to keep a woman happy". Women and humans, not pets. If you and a particular girl get along then it's all good! You don't need anything else. You just need for you and her to get along, and whether she likes you or you like her totally depends on who you both are and how you work together. And you can not ever discover that by reading articles or sitting at home pondering about it. You can only find out if you and a particular woman get along by talking to her and getting to know her.
Talk to all women you meet, not just ones you find attractive for whatever reason. Talk to them all. You're still fresh in this, so lets face it, you don't know what you're attracted to or what you're interested in when it comes to women. So don't shrink your own pool with this supposed "interest" you have in certain women. If you do not know her, there is no way you can have any more interest in her over anyone else.
Keep it simple. Get to know them BEFORE you assume you have any particular interest in anyone. Because it is impossible actually to have feelings for, or be interested in, someone you do not know. If you think you care more about one than the other is it solely because you have a fantasy/an idea about who that person is. And it is dangerous to believe you can read minds and know who people are when you don't.. because most times you will be wrong in your assumption.
So just go with the flow and talk to everyone, get to know them before you start thinking about who you want to date. Get to know them first.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 March 2014):
locust, is this post going to go on for days with you just making excuses, ignoring all the advice given, and simply wasting everyone's time? OR Will you be giving updates on some actual steps and progress you are making?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2014):
Stop reading articles online. Leave the house, go out, get some fresh air, go to a coffee bar or a juice bar or anyplace that has people in it. Talk to people. Women are people too.
For one month, stop reading those forums. Unplug. Exist in the real world and not online and not all in your head.
Talk to live people in person. Practice having conversations. Do not look up "how to have a conversation."
Live and experience the real world.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2014):
 You are still over-thinking it.
If you at some point down the line met a girl I presume you will tell her you are a full time student living at home? Which means she knows you aren't rolling in money. Staying at home while going to college is a SMART hing for someone trying to save on money.
I think MANY girls can understand that (some even do the same as you) Now if you were mid 30's, unemployed and living in your parents basement, it COULD without a doubt make it hard to find dates.
For now though, focus on your social skills instead of finding things that you "think" will hinder your dating chances.
Relax and BABY STEPS.
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A
male
reader, locust +, writes (20 March 2014):
locust is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne of the main things bother me is the fact I'm a full-time student on my last semester and living at home and not working at this current time. I read articles online saying this does not go well lot of men out there. It effects me because I feel that no good since I don't have any of those things. Even though going to school, I think that won't be enough to keep a woman happy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2014):
I agree with Tisha, just LEARNING how to BE yourself around women is a GOOD thing and should be how you start all this out. Hold your horse on the whole sex thing.. IT will happen in time.
And yes, go back to your last post and RE-READ the advice given.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2014):
Too much analysis now, OP. As Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no 'try'.
Keep on having conversations with girls, with no agenda other than to have a conversation.
And I believe I gave you a manual last time, as you'd asked for it, have you read it yet?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 March 2014):
You received many many tips and suggestions on your last post. Reread it, then get off your backside and utilize them.
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