A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Logically, I know that its best to have my ex out of my life- he's lied and cheated ever since we got together (six years!) and now I have broken contact for good. So, why do I keep thinking about him and how he continues with his life like I was never in it? He has a lot of friends, while I moved to a new country six months ago and besides work, I pretty much am alone most of the time. It makes me feel so low knowing that a dishonest person like him can have friends but I don't! Even our mutual friends who know everything that happened with us carry on with him like he's good! N then I start thinking something must be wrong with me since no one wants to be with me and start comparing my life to others- all my friends are married and starting families. Any ideas how to stop these thoughts? N how to stop thinking about the ex when I haven't seen him in 9 months- and especially when I know he doesn't think about me at all?
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Boy, I can relate to how you are feeling about your ex and how unfair it seems that he has moved on with his life and you are left picking up the pieces of yourself that he is responsible for shattering.
It isn't right, but those are the sad consequences of putting a man who is not worthy ahead of our own best interests and settling for mistreatment. It happens sometimes insidiously without your consent and that just makes it all the more difficult to unmesh with the man.
All I can tell you is that in time the intrusive thoughts should get better, but not until you give him full ownership for his bad behavior...that he really isn't a good guy and you know the truth. You have to realize that your mutual friends know it, too, but they aren't invested in a relationship with him, are not vulnerable themselves to emotional harm from him the way you are, so they are able to keep up appearances of being his friend, but honestly at some level they know the truth about him...but choosing friends is a whole lot less complicated then chosing a lover or partner for life...so you have to get your brain thinking along those terms, that there is a difference and just because your friends are treating him nicely doesn't mean he is worthy of that and there is something wrong with you.
Your biggest problem is you are stuck at home without interesting things to do and you are lacking some support from friends and family. You really do need to take some steps to change that even if it is only getting involved in an activity or church where you can start to see some of the same people repeatedly, that is how friendships start from repeated exposure. Not having those things is not a reflection of you as a worthy friend or human being, you are still the same great girl you were before ex...
You keep thinking about him because it is easier to remember the good memories than it is to recall the bad ones. That is actually a very human condition because thankfully we are hardwired in our brains to "forget" pain whether it be emotional or physical, pain is pain. Otherwise, women probably would never have more than one child as for most childbirth is painful.
You are doing the right thing by cutting him out of your life, you'll never heal otherwise. I know how hard it is, I've had to go through it this last year myself and I am still not where I would like to be, but it gets better little by little.
It helps to have someone to talk to, and sometimes that needs to be a therapist or an interested impartial person that you can bounce your thoughts and feelings off of, as friends and family can get pretty weary with it all. So if you are struggling with depression and intrusive thoughts, please get help, it is important to do that for yourself otherwise things can spiral out of control if you aren't careful.
Just be very glad that you stood up for yourself and got out of a bad relationship. The longer you stayed the more damage was done. And who gives a rats ass about your loser ex, he isn't going to change trust me, and if he is with a new woman realize that she will just get the same treatment you did in the end, eventually....just look at Charlie Sheen for an example...both wives attested to receiving abuse from him (whether he was drunk or not what does THAT matter) He is incapable of change, he's a 40 year old man, what else did you expect from an abusive womanizing drunk, that marriage was going to change him transform him into a teddy bear? Come on we know differently now don't we?
A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Your reaction is perfectly normal. It is part of the grieving process. Once you start working on "you", I would be willing to bet that others around you will start taking notice. Start focusing on "you." Center your life around work, your mental and physical well being, and then you can begin your new life.
Pretty soon, you will finally be able to clearly see that you are better off without him.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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