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female
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anonymous
writes: My daughter is 19 ,and very confused. She is unable to be alone, and because of that ,she is putting up, with a boyfriend ,who is not treating her very nice. I think she is putting in much more than he does, and I dont know how loyal he is , because he has a lot of free time. Recently, she decided to go to the same college, where he is going. And I feel, all her decision are around to keep him. I dont know what to do. I didn't like to see her to leave her previous education, and now doing even more for the sake of this relationship. But I don't know how to get involved. It is her life. But what can I do ,if I see it is going in the wrong direction? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Every one has their own road to travel. Sad to say, you can not go dowmn that road with her, no matter how painful it seems. She must learn, and feel the pain herself.Some people learn when you speak to them, some learn from other's mistakes, others learn by having to make the mistakes themselves.Just be ready when the time comes. She will need you.
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male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 This is probally going to be the toughest thing you ever do. You are going to have to let her pave her own way and hope that 19 years of parenting will see her though this mistake she is about to make. Sadly, anything you do, will further alienate yourself from your daughter. Sometimes all you can do is let her fail, and just be there for her when she ultimatly does.
Unless you feel that she is in physical danger, all you can do is provide her love and support.
I would be willing to bet that she will come to her senses. She is only 19. She still has a whole life ahead of her, even if he wastes a few years chasing the wong star.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Are you married still to your daughter's father? I am asking because often times daughters that have "not very nice" boyfriends either lack a close relationship with their father or a father figure and or have a history of receiving some abuse from said father.
This leaves her vulnerable to picking men that are either like Dad and she is unconciously looking for a corrective experience (if I can make this guy love me then it's not my fault that my Dad doesn't love me) or she is vulnerable to wanting the attentions of men, vulnerability leaves her an easy target for users and abusers.
Now that we have that background taken care of, your question was how can you get involved when you see her love life going nowhere and it is negatively impacting her life.
Well, you can't exactly go in full steam ahead and say what you would really like to say because that will just hurt her feelings and may cause her to start defending him and her choices against all logic.
I think if I were in your shoes, I would take my daughter to a nice lunch and there I would start asking her some very pointed questions about HER and what her goals in life are. From there when she starts to talk about the boyfriend and how and why she is following him, then start asking her leading questions about how that is working for her and how is that going to help her get what she truly wants out of life.
I would make statements about how men die, men leave, men dissappoint and with the competitive world we live in today, it is a wise woman who sets herself up in life first and is able to take care of herself with a good job..
I would ask her about her friends and see if she is keeping up her support network and if she isn't make some suggestions about how to fix that.
In other words I would try to get her to come to the right conclusions on her own by making her "think" instead of feel. If you get into an emotional drag down, she isn't going to be thinking at all and that has been her problem more than likely all along. This guy is getting to her emotions and manipulating her, she is fearful of losing him, that is obvious and that is not healthy for her.
She needs to take her power back and you can help her do that by reminding her ever so gently what an amazing woman she is all on her own.
And if she has a father figure, I would talk to this guy and tell him his daughter needs him now more than ever.
I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, Mixedupinit  +, writes (10 August 2010):
If I was you I would sit your daughter down make her a cup of tea and talk To her very calmly you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable ask her if there are any problems with the boyfriend and ask her if she needs someone to talk to that you are always there now that should be very helpful for you because I lost my child to a gunman in London terrible 3 months old and I lost my girlfriend you are very lucky but what I always told my 5 year old neise why do we fall to Lern to pick our selves up again. That helps alot of people boosts there mind strength
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reader, blakjacq +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Unfortunately she is going to do whatever she wants regardless of whatever you do or say. I'm 20. I know how that mindstate works, because I'm living it. I have a close girlfriend who can't be alone either and hopes from relationship to relationship, with assholes. My best advice to you would be to try to be in her life as much as possible, but as a annoying nagging mother, but as a friend who just want to get to know the adult she has become(19 yr old she thinks she's an adult probably.lol). This way she knows that she is not alone. Encourage her to make alot of friend with girls at this new school where she is at and/or to be active in activities that dont involve her boyfriend, like a club or dance group or something. Then when her relationship goes sour and one of them breaks up with the other, be there to comfort her and encourage her to stay single for a while.
Teach her that you can never have a happy & healthy relationship with a guy until you can be both happy & healthy by yourself.
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