A
female
age
30-35,
*6570211
writes:this is a very long story n i dont mean to bore anyoneso i guess the shortest way of saying it is this:i met a guy 4 years ago, he was a friend from the beginning and the more we hung out the more friends we became, but for some reason i felt the need to be a bit colder with him. like id hug any friend when i saw hem n say hi but i didnt w him. i made fun of him alot, jokinly but still. n dunno i felt this secretly grudge i guess, but i dunno y. (n this is the real problem)when i turned 18 i was having problems at homeso i moved out and without him knowing me that much he moved out with me. n then after 1 year of living together i made the first move to kiss and then we secretly dated, i broke up w him cuz i told him i coudlnt b in love w him. cuz i didnt feel it. but even w that wed still hook up and b together. then after bout 8 months of the break up but still being together he decides he cant be like this forever..o cuz wed fight alot too. so he decides he wants to date other ppl, i tell him its find ill even help him, n i relly did think itd b ok. then when i see him talkin to 2 girls i start picking fights with him. so then wed argue n have emotional talks and stuff. i wanted to be with him relly bad. so like break up sex. we decided to date for a week to make it special but no sex tho. n we did, n now its been 2 weeks since we broke up for real, n we decided that we need time apart n our space, but we still hang out, n we go in the same car to school n stuff. i kno why he need the time n stuff, i know what i need to do. my problem is that i feel like pickin a fight with him when i see him n hang out n stuff. im happy, i get so happy. u kno how ppl say we have soul mate, i dont necessarily agree it has to be your love partnet, but i found mine. hes the closest person ill have. n i dont ever want to open up to any one the way i did with him. so i relly relly want to make this friendship work. i pick fights for nothing. like i dont want to date him, n im even intersted in other guys n stuff. but for som reason i pick fights about girls n stuff n say i get mad cuz he lied.. which is a bullshiti NEED A WAY TO STOP PICKING FIGHTS AND TO STOP FEELING THIS GRUDGE KINDA FEELINGS I HAVE TOWARDS HIM....PLLLLZ HELP:D:D:D:D
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broke up, moved out, soulmate Reply to this Question
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (4 September 2009):
 You're hurting him. Please stop doing that!It seems like you want him, then you don't. You want him as a friend, you secretly date him; and when he talks to other girls, you get jealous and pick fights with him!Why are you so ashamed of him? That's what you're saying in everything you've written so far. Its like you want him to be your mate, your friend and so forth. You and he are especially close. But you get an interest in other guys, he hangs back and has an interest in other girls, and you pick on him.I have to say he's treating you like gold. Most men would walk out on you. He's taking a beating from you and you're punishing him. That tells me he definitely loves you.It also seems like he's a sincerely nice guy. Unfortunately I think you're afraid to say you love a nice guy. Maybe you think he's weak or something and you do this to him.Try something different. Imagine you standing in his shoes. All these mixed feelings being thrown at you. How do you think he feels?I don't know why you have to secretly date him. When you keep a relationship a secret, it means one of you is ashamed of the other. That's really, really unhealthy especially for him.If you truly love him, then say it and mean it. You don't have to fight with him. It seems to me that he's got your heart and you don't want him to. But likewise, he seems to be patient and willing to handle all of the craziness you're throwing at him. There's some sort of a commitment there.The other thing is this. Are you happy in your own life? I mean in your heart of hearts are YOU happy? Because if there's something missing there, that's why you're picking fights with him. Everything you said points to the fights being over silly things. I don't know if he has ever said anything to you about what he truly feels for you, but if you both do a little bit of soul-searching, and look at each other, maybe you've got some real love there.It can't hurt to try. It seems that the two of you are so close to each other, it would be foolish not to treat each other with love and respect. Maybe if you both feel a little more secure, you can either remain friends or become a real couple.
A
female
reader, blossomhill  +, writes (4 September 2009):
You dont say what your problems at home where but perhaps they could be the root of the problem. You either want to be with this boy but are not emotionally ready for a relationship or you don't want him but gave jealously issues and you just don't want anyone else to have him either. You want to be friends with him but you may be scared he'll forget about your friendship if he finds a partner. Maybe a counsellor would help you.
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (4 September 2009):
 I think you still have something for him but you dont want him to know that, and when you see him with other girls you dont like it, its almost like "i dont want him but i dont want anyone else to have him" which most girls go through so they purposely start arguments to stop the guy from getting suspicious that they still have a thing for him. i think if you want to move on and stop the arguments you have to get over the fact that your over. although you feel like you have, your still not quite over it and the best way is to stay away from him for a while because if you keep starting arguments he wont want to be a friend or anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I don't really know what to say, but i've read your problem (all 512 words of it) so i feel i need to say something lol! It sounds to me that you have a fear of losing your soul mate to another women, if he gets into a steady relationship with someone, which is understandable because a lot of ppl don't approve of their partner having a soul mate or friend of the opposite sex. You also sound like you have a fear of being on your own too, and need constant reassurence that people won't abandon you. Or, could it just be that you have more feelings for him than you realize? Idk, but i think in the begining you had a crush on him and that is why you treated him so poorly (trying extra hard not to reveal your feelings to him). I think you need to have a long hard think about where you want this situation to go, and maybe talk to him and see what he suggests. I do know one thing tho, you can't keep biting the heads off every women he speaks to, because your making everyone as unhappy as you, and you will end up losing his friendship for good.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 Wow...what did he do to you to cause such a grudge?
If nothing then it could be because you are blaming him because you like him. Maybe you don't want to have these feelings for him but you do and hate him for it.
Another thing it could be is that you are very insercure and making him feel bad about himself gives you confidence. Maybe you don't love him but are so insecure you feel like you need him.
(There could be other reasons but I can't think of any at the moment...)
First before you do anything you have to figure out why you treat him like this and why you hold a grudge against him.
Then you need to STOP holding a grudge for him and let him know how you feel. Tell him everything that is going on in your head.
I can't tell you how to stop holding a grudge for him because I have no idea why you are holding a grudge. I also can't tell you why you are holding a grudge for him either, only you can.
I hope you can figure out soon because you are in risk of losing him if you really feel that he is your soul mate.
Good luck and feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.
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