A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone dealt with obsessive love and limerence? I have an issue with being obsessed with my crushes and making up scenarios and fairy tale endings in my head to the point where all I think about is the object of my obsession . To be frank I am in graduate school and I work a full time job . I have another year of school and this attractive married man has caught my eye - our research project is together so we will be working together in the same team three times a week for the next year - I have a sinking feeling he might share the attractive feelings I have for him since he always responds with flirting. I know if I push it I could sleep with him but I can’t commit adultery.. but the issue is I can’t stop thinking about him 24/7 - drawing up scenarios etc . All my thoughts go to him and it’s just wrongHe is taken and I wouldn’t mess with his marriage etc - what should I do to stop these thoughts ? I work and am busy yet never to busy to fantasize about him None of these fantasies make sense since he doesn’t seem like such a great guy - I hope my future husband doesn’t act that way ... YET here I am and I can’t logic!Has anyone dealt with limerence and just constant worries and thoughts about a person u know u shouldn’t/can’t have?I have to complete this project in order for my thesis class so dropping out would really hurt .. any words of wisdom?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2018):
 Are you getting help for your obsessive thought disorder? If not, go to your doctor and explain that obsessive thoughts are interfering with your life and that you need help.
If you are in treatment, did you tell your health counselor about this latest obsession?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2018):
 Learn to be professional both in your work-groups now, and later on in your career.
Working on projects is NOT the time to be flirting and making goo-goo eyes at some hunk you have to work with. It's unprofessional and a little sad. Sad in the sense that it can come off as desperate. Especially if he is married.
You say married man should be off limits for you, so make it so. YOU are in control of your actions and you can't let emotions control you either. You know what's right and wrong, so STICK to what you KNOW is right.
It sounds like you are a bit lonely. So do you have an active social life? And if not, why not?
Socializing with friends, meeting SINGLE guys to flirt with is WAY more productive than feeding some fantasy with a married man. Even if you aren't looking to DATE anyone right now, socializing is where you can let your hair down. NOT when you are working on research projects.
The thing is there is a HUGE double standard in academia (I bet you know that) and in the work place when it comes to how we are perceived (we = women) which is EXACTLY why ACTING like a professional and not a hormonal teenager is the smarter thing to do. The last thing you want people to think about you ( I presume) is that you got to where you are on "your back" or on "you knees". Pretty sure you would rather people (if they talk about you and your work ethics and general attitude) describe you as meticulous, professional, hard working, knowledgeable, smart, resourceful etc. etc.
KEEP the "romantic" notions to your private life - when out socializing with friends etc. And be professional in work and study section of your life.
Know your worth. Know your standards. And don't lower them for some sordid fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): Self-control and consideration of consequences seems to be a deficiency in a "me-first"-generation of people; with an over-developed sense of entitlement. Operating on a "me, myself, and I rationality."
"I want it! Therefore, I must have it."
It's really not the fault of the latest generations growing-up like this. It is exposure through social media and the advertising industry that constantly teaches us to want, crave, and to desire. It builds up from just a teasing want, into a throbbing need.
Don't get me wrong, my dear. This all dates back to other generations of the past. Growing-up as a kid, we were constantly fed TV commercials. Only nowadays, advertising agencies actually hire teams of psychologists to research how to get into your head; and create a public that is materialistic, greedy, and selfish. The hardest job of parenting, and mentoring young people, is to counter this conditioning!
It sells products. Even total junk! The only problem is; that part of our brains becomes overused, and it becomes activated for just about everything. Apps on your phone are there because people are obsessed with our phones. You get immediate-gratification; and you return to it time and time again. Pavlov's Theory and classical-conditioning. It's reversible in most people, and permanent in others.
We suddenly start to realize we are finding ourselves obsessing and yearning for things like there's no tomorrow. We start to wonder what in the world is wrong with us? We've been conditioned to want something until you find yourself feeling totally unfulfilled and empty. Even if what we want belongs to someone else. We covet thy neighbor's belongings! We even start to envy others for what they have that we don't! All the side-effects of this horrible conditioning!
How do we get pulled into this cycle of demand and obsession for gratification?
By constantly being inundated and exposed to things that are wonderful, beautiful, titillating; and being told we gotta have it.
Every time you open an app, you are shown something new and exciting; and you've got to have it. Then it transfers over to other areas of our life. You meet an interesting and attractive person. They happen to meet all the desired criteria...or, so you think. They've got the personality, and physical-attributes we "think" we want. Basically, we are consistently told from childhood to always want the handsome and attractive people. They can do no wrong. This is what desirable should look like. Want him...want her! You see only the superficial. What pleases the eye! That's how things are sold!
So, like in your case; you can't get this guy out of your head. You see him every other day, and you spend hours with him. All you pickup on are his best qualities. You don't get to see the devil beneath it all. He's also playing on your vibe. Hoping you'll initiate something. Don't! Keep it professional! Do that, and there will be no worries or regrets.
It all boils down to something simple and old-fashioned. You fallback on your integrity, values, and use self-control. You repeat to yourself over and over; "he's taken, this is only a professional-exchange; and I'm not the kind of person to be a homewrecker." Mama didn't raise you that way!
Your most fundamental values are so strong that you are actually struggling with your desires. That means your system of values haven't allowed you to cross that line. You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. Read your own post. You cite all the reasons you shouldn't; but so far, you haven't listened to the call of temptation. You haven't tried to rationalize or given any excuses why you should. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff people write to DC. They can justify dating and sleeping with the devil!
Think about him all you like. You're impressed. He sets a fine example in male-qualities. He's a great guy! He's some other woman's man/husband. He's the tempting forbidden-fruit! To sleep with him makes you an adulteress. An old-fashioned word for the times; but you know what it means.
Most men have the lowest respect for the women who they convince to cheat with them. Even if he loves her! They see that inclination as a reason he should keep his eye on her! He'd never really trust her; because of a double-standard.
Everyone sooner or later will lust in their heart. You rely on your core values and self-discipline to know when not to give-in to wild impulses, or act out of character. Times like these will come again and again. We are constantly bombarded with sexy images online or on TV; so loneliness brings out the horniest side of our personality. With practice, your power of self-control gets even stronger. You even wrote a post; because you wanted to be convinced by others to behave yourself.
Don't worry, girlfriend! You've got this! You can look; but you know, you best not touch! You wouldn't want your man tempted by another woman; and simply giving-in to his impulses. If you found-out about it; there would be nothing he could say to excuse or justify it. Apply this principle, and restrain yourself. Besides, the consequences might be pretty nasty. He'll play with you; but it's back to the woman he loves and respects the most. His wife!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2018):
 Limerence by its very design eventually burns itself out. If the object of your limerence becomes your lover, it deepens into a more permanent and lasting bond. However, if it isn't indulged, it burns itself out, especially if you meet someone else who sparks a new hit of limerence.
What I'm saying is -- since he's married and you are doing the honorable thing by not cheating and defaming the institute of marriage, you have to daily choose not to indulge the obsession.
The best course of action would be to get out of being his research partner. If you can't, avoid him in every setting except in public and talking about research. DO NOT start confiding emotions with him unless you want to play with fire! Don't have personal conversations with him of any kind, and with every conversation you have, the litmus test is to ask yourself whether or not you'd be as comfortable having this talk if his wife were in the room with you. That might keep you on the straight and narrow for sure.
Become distracted. One way to burn out limerence is to distract it. If you come across an UNMARRIED man who catches your fancy, you'll find your married research partner has become a bit more dull than at present.
But stick to your guns. Sleeping with this man would be a lifelong mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): We only have your side of this, maybe he is just a friendly man and your imagination is running wild that you could have him.
Just get on with what you need to do and look at him as someone you work with only, you are old enough to know better, find and date single men and focus on them not a man that is taken.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (19 June 2018):
I think you are experiencing a period of lust and passion. Everyone probably goes through that. My best advice is to avoid anything that might tempt you into these thoughts. Since you mentioned adultery it seems likely that you are a religious person. Imagine if God Himself were standing right next to you all the time and heard every word you said to this guy and knew every thought you had. Would you behave the same as you are now, or would you act and think differently? It’s one thing when thoughts just pop in our heads, we can’t always help that. It’s another thing when we entertain them. I think the key is not to entertain these thoughts. Recognize that you are human and imperfect and so is he. This man is somebody’s husband, and he’s somebody’s child. The truth is we all get old too, and we won’t look the same 20 years from now. Your instinct seems to indicate that his personality isn’t the greatest, so if all he has is looks, that will soon be cured by time and then there will be nothing left to be attracted to. I suppose that’s one way that might help you overcome these thoughts.
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A
female
reader, kinggabbieee +, writes (19 June 2018):
I fixated on a married man for a year when I was 19.. not only was her married, but he was 15 years older than me and technically my boss. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, every time I saw him, my stomach dropped and I would get all flushed with fever. Never in my life had I felt that way towards someone. I felt so guilty just for even fantasizing about a married man. I felt the same way, I felt like he liked me too but couldn’t and wouldn’t say it.. To make a long story short, when I was 20, a year later, he asked me to have dinner with him on his boat. I knew exactly what was gonna happen and I did it anyway. We had sex that same night, my very first time having sex, and the next day I felt like somehow he made me a woman. It became an addiction, I had sex with him every now and again for the next year. I didn’t start to feel guilty until I met a boy my age that I fell absolutely in love with. By now, I wasn’t sleeping with the married guy anymore.. I always knew cheating was wrong but the thought of the boy I loved cheating on me one day killed me inside.. I started to feel remorseful for what I had done before I was with him to the point where I would cry myself to sleep out of guilt.So here’s the point.. how would you feel if you loved someone so much and they cheated on you with a girl like you? I wish I could go back and take back what I had done. I gave my virginity to guy that not only didn’t love me but was married. I’m so in love now that I could only imagine how the married guys wife would feel is she knew. I understand having the urge, but maybe if I had changed my way of viewing my married guy, maybe if I loved myself enough, I wouldn’t of gone through with it. When you think of him, think of how he goes home to another woman every night and not you. Remember someone loves him and deserves all of him. Think of how you’d feel of you were her... hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 June 2018):
 He's taken? Who took him? …
Ohh, you mean a man who CHOSE to marry a woman other than yourself?
If you just change the language you use, substitute married for taken, your mind might register the fact he is not an object that somebody else managed to grab before you even got a chance to size him up
I acknowledge of course that there are men who chose to marry a woman, making all sorts of legal promises and signing a legal contract who then break those promises and the contract by having some sort of illicit relationship with a completely different woman, and your question seems to indicate this individual could very easily become on of those men, with a little nudging from you of course.
You need to fix reality in your head to replace the images you have created …. ask him about his wife, what does she do, have they travelled much, was it a big wedding, etc etc … make her, and their marriage a real and tangible thing and maybe, when you think about how he will have sex with you if you PUSH him, think about all that will be ruined if you do ….. but if you cant do that they I hope one day when you find somebody willing to marry you, and make those promises and contracts that some random woman comes along and PUSHES him for a quick round of hay making.
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