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female
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*achx
writes: Im driving myself insane and probably ruining my relationship in the process! HELP! Ive posted on here before about my struggle to deal with finding that my boyf of nearly 4 yrs masturbates occasionally over page 3 girls and that I found a small stash of soft porn (which he let me destroy and promised never to bring into our home again). I’ve gotten so uptight about the issue that every time he is alone in the house I cant stop wondering what he may get up to, if he goes on the PC I feel like I need to check what he has viewed, I don’t like going to bed before him in case he watches something on TV with naked or semi naked women in it!! I mean this issue is so bad every time he buys a newspaper i.e. The Sun or Daily Star I sulk, get panicky about the fact he might use the girl on Page 3 to get himself off when I’m out of the house, I even get jealous that he is looking at a topless girl whilst flicking through the paper in front of me!!I’m not saying he has an addiction to porn or anything like that, our sex life is just as active as ever. I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child and I don’t for one minute question his love for me. To him he is just a typical bloke, likes to look and sometimes needs a bit of visual stimulation to relieve himself. I don’t know why I feel the way I do about this issue – Slowly but surely my self esteem has got lower and lower, I find myself thinking I want to look more like these glamour girls to please him and that maybe I should have bigger boobs, a smaller bum maybe...! He has never ever compared me in anyway but I feel I’m not satisfying enough, how can I be I’m not as attractive as some of these girls I don’t have the same body big boobs tiny waist tiny bottom!!I need to learn how I deal with this insecurity building inside me. I don’t want to loose my relationship over this because everything else is so good but in my head I can’t see an end to it. Any advice on why I feel this way and how to make it stop!!???? I fear I’m driving him away by being so uptight and questioning his every move his motive for buying certain newspapers! SORRY ITS SO LONG!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2007): I have went through the same thing with my Bo. He promises not to look at it any more,but just knowing he has seen so many naked women kills me. Plus I didnt know that they were so nasty and sluty to show there insides!!If ya know what I mean. Men do not need to ogle and jackoff to survive.They need to think about how much Its hurting us.I dont watch the filth, and I dont agree with it. I wish we were back in the good ol' days where men had some boundaries and some decencey and respect to there wives. I can admire a man and think hes nice-looking without sexual thoughts,because my thoughts for my love is all I want or need.Women look at porn True. Most I would say dont but Its in a lot higher of demand for males.Thats why theres a hooters in every state and not women bars. I consider porn filth and to me its cheating. If you think of a women in a sexual way and lust after her,It is a sin. GROW UP MEN! think about your young daughter on the front of a play boy mag. You aint to damn proud are you.The Whores who do it,may god have mercy on you! and if your that bad in debt to discrace your family and yourself,you need to be in a homless shelter,I would rather eat crackers and live in a dump, then be a Porn Star.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 You didn't really say how often your b/f looks at porn so it's hard to know if this is an addiction. It might be helpful if he masterbated when you weren't around. There's only a few things more devastating than walking in on your man when he's jacking off to images of other women. Why can't men understand this? Why is it always the woman who needs to "seek help"?... That is such a cop out.
Try talking to him. Tell him how it makes you feel. If he's not "addicted" to porn, he should have no problem avoiding it - or at the very least doing it when you aren't around so you don't have to feel threatened by his occasional hormonal urges. When you're away from him, don't allow your mind to go there. Just picture him doing other things because in reality he probably is doing other things.
It might also help if he told you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to him.
It's normal for pregnant women to feel more "over the top" on issues that wouldn't normally bother them so much. Between the changes your body is going through, and the raging hormones, it's understandable that you might be feeling like there are too many things beyond your control.
Practice self-relaxation. Spend quality time with your man, pampering each other. Once you begin to feel valued as his mate, you'll probably feel less threatened by the occasional glance he throws in the direction of a naked woman on TV, or a visually stimulating ad in the newspaper.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 I think maybe your over reacting a little, maybe it's your hormones running away with you!
What he is doing is pretty harmless and most guys whether their partners know or not do similar things. Just because he looks at women in a magazine doesn't mean he doesn't find you sexy or attractive anymore and it certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I've caught my guy a couple of times and I either walkerd out and left him to it, or even joined in. At 7 months pregnant i don't know whether you 2 are sexual right now, but he's doing something harmless.
I would show him what you wrote to us and i think he wouldn't believe it! Most guys find their wives/girlfiends very sexy when pregnant and I be he's doing it this way because he doesn't want to put any pressure on you. Show him what you have written in and I'm sure he'll disolve all your fears!
Good Luck and with the baby too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): I think you are just threatened because you don't know where this obsession of his will stop and that is most resonable. I like the reply before this one though and I think you should get help and try to save your relationship.
The thing that worries me is that even though your boyfriend loves you, he sees how upset you are about this and does not stop. That IS worrying. You should be reassured, not threatened by his behaviour. My partner knows that I do not like porn because I distrust the whole empire of it and I think it is incredibly damaging to most women who take part, even if they say they are willing participants at the time. Look at a website called "throughtheflame" and have a read. Women's bodies are not commodities and we do very often pay emotional currency over sex. This comes out later, not at the time, when they find that they have not been able to really love someone and wonder why.
Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. Almost every boy has the same reaction over porn during their emerging adulthood. It is so normal, but it should not be necessary to endure in a mature relationship. Addiction to sex is so common and it certainly scares me! I hope you don't get too scared bearing in mind your condition.
I had a boyfriend once who appeared to have a passing interest in porn and I found out that he had been using the internet and even paying prostitutes on trips to Amsterdam! I thought I was being paranoid at the time, but I remember going through his mobile phone and internet history. I don't worry about that so much now because I am with a man who, whilst very lusty, loves me and does not want me to feel bad.
Sex for women is very emotionally intimate, for a man it does not have to be. It is hard to take isn't it? It makes me feel angry too. It makes me want to buy women's prono mage with HUGE cocks in and see if he likes the feeling of being insecure and thinking you are orgasming over them!
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A
female
reader, bexherbs +, writes (9 January 2007):
 dear rachx,as hard as it is we all have times that we feel insecure about ourselves and even the best of us do to! try to remember that your the one he loves and is settled with and hey talk to him about your fears ! even make a suggestion if he wants to look at these women then do it with him im sure you have no worries and use being pregent cause women are at ther sexiest.but whatever just remember he wouldnt be with you if he wanted something else so relex and dont look for things that are'nt there and if he wants soft porn then try it at least once it may put your fears aside cause its not what it cracked up to be! lv bexherb x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): Aw all that anxiety and stress is not good for you and especially not good for your baby is it?
Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds like you should. I don't mean to say there is something badly wrong with you but you did say this has been an issue before.
I have a female friend. She was in a relationship that sounded very like yours. It got worse and worse, to the point where literally, this poor guy, never, left her sight. He could not go out without her coming, he couldn't even go to the bathroom|toilet without her listening (in case he was masturbating) she used to stop herself from sleeping just incase he did something whilst she was asleep. Obviously he couldn't hold down a job so, they both would sit on their computers all day, every day. She would sit behind him just to make sure he didn't go on any web pages. All this happening with a child growing up in their house.
It was painful to see such a bad relationship go on for so long (same time as yours) It really destroyed both of their esteem and things ended badly for them, there was too much built up resentment and... hatred in the end. He walked out on her on day, it was pretty inevitable though.
It worked out quite well really because they broke up at the same time as I did with my ex-girlfriend so we kinda was able to feel sorry for ourselves together and big each other up "hey no you're great!!! no - you're more great!!" you can never have too much ego-boosting. Her relationship though destroyed her confidence completely, and a part of me thought that she was going to take years to deal with it, I thought she might even commit suicide(!) She was certainly talking that way. Any way, I was remarkably surprised to see her get over him in a few months because it was he that eventually was stopping her from being able to deal with what her root problem was. and now... she is fantastically confident and is an entirely different person completely. Well - at least she is as a single person.
Now obviously we want things to go differently for you, and that is why I advice that you get professional help before it is too late. You are driving your boyfriend to reject you. I am going to guess that this is because, deep down, you probably feel worthless yourself? How were mum and dad to you? Have you had an abusive relationship before? There is something causing you to force this person you love in to hating you because that you need it proving to yourself that you are not worthy of being loved. I'm sure you agree that people don't just self-destruct relationships like yours for no reason at all. This is not a particularly bad issue though - people do it all the time.
If you live in the UK and are interested in seeing someone about ways of dealing with those thoughts then feel free to send me a PM and I can give you some advice to places and people I think can help you the best. If your partner is willing to be supportive and you are 100% wanting to change then I don't see why you can't see changes pretty much immediately.
All the best with whatever you decide to do though, I'm sure you know whatever is best for your circumstance! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): U are in a bit of a tizz. Try to relax. Men do need to have a bit of visual excitment from time to time. I went through this stage before u should just talk it through with him instead of trying to push him away coz in the long run u just might do that push him away for good. maybe explain to your boyfriend how uncomfortable u feel when he looks at porn and maybe suggest that u watch it together. u are going to face the fact that sex on tv is part of life if u start stressing to much about this u are going to make urself sick with worry. simple question why is ur boyfriend with u because he loves u for u nobody else. u just have to start beleving this is true. good luck let us know how u get on.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Maybe you're feeling this way because you're pregnant? Your body is changing in many ways and some women might feel really unsexy as they get bigger with the child.
The fact that he masturbates to photos doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, as you write yourself.
Even people who are in a relationship like to do some "handwork" because it's uncomplicated and you don't need to satisfy anyone else.
From what you are writing, this thing is really a problem for you and I think you should get in touch with a professional who will help you feel calmer and let go of the paranoia.
Whatever you do, don't get any plastic surgery. You will only regret it later, especially if you do it "for him".
Your husband loves you for who you are and so should you.
Please take care. I hope everything works out.
/Dragonette
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