A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:[Mod Note: Personal and location details have been removed for anonymity]I'm 27, my girlfriend's 28, and she's Polish-Mexican-American (well, Polish-American on her father's side, and Mexican-American on the mother's side), and we've been together for 18 months now.She's olive-skinned, and speaks with a sort of Polish-American accent.Her parents and family have accepted me, and her dad likes me (I know there's a stereotype that girlfriends' dads automatically hate their daughters' boyfriends, but this one isn't always true), however, it's my family who have a problem with her... well, my dad anyway.My dad keeps referring to her as a "beaner" and "Polack" (although that failed, since she has self-deprecatingly referred to herself as one in the past!) and always refers to her as "that beaner" rather than by name, and he's been trying to convince my mum to "ignore the beaner, she's a waste of space, she's obese, stupid, and foul-mouthed, and needs to lose weight".Yet she isn't obese, stupid or foul-mouthed, and she was pleasant to him when they met.He's always disparaging about her, and it's always because of her race, nothing else; I've had other girlfriends (I had one who was a Chinese-American when I was 19) but he's not been racist about her.How can me and my mum convince him that she's a good person and to stop using these ethnic slurs (I only mentioned them here in quotes to give an idea of what he says). He's not normally racist, so I don't understand where he gets it from, so what should I do.I would appreciate any advice.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 February 2013):
+1 for standing up to him. Bullies act like that because nobody does anything about it.
Tell him that you care for her and any negative comments about her will not be tolerated. Ask him what he'd think if someone spoke that way of your mother.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Just because your Father is ACTING like an a$s, in this instance.... doesn't mean that you have to partake of his a$s-like behaviour. Sounds like your G/F has done her bit at disarming him... and, now, the two of you need to continue with your united front to marginalize this unpleasant part of his demeanor....
Stick with it... and - over time - you will prevail... I guarantee it!!!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 February 2013):
Im engaged to a Colombian woman, and I am of almost completely Nordic decent. My parents were a little nervous at the time until they saw how well she treats me, and everyone gets along great now. My dad would never say something like that about her, but if he said something like that now a rather unpleasant exchange would take place between him and I.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): OP 18 months, he's not going to be convinced. You have to be firm with him. "shut the fuck up, dad." is a pretty good one. But I would be very stern in letting him know not to talk about her or to her that way by literally telling him to shut the fuck up when he says anything like that. If he starts giving you crap about respecting him or not talking to him that way, tell him you'll show him the same respect he shows your girlfriend.
Man up OP. If he sees you get furious every time he tries to put her down then he may ease up, even if he doesn't you don't have to and shouldn't stand for that shit so call him out on it every time.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 I think you need to really stand up to your dad! You have to be firm and tell him that he is being disrespectful to you and your gf! He has raised you and I am sure he loves you to death but as an adult you have to make your own decisions and he doesn't have to be OK with all of them ...BUT he needs to respect how you feel and keep his personal thoughts to himself!!! If he doesn't like Polish people ...he doesn't have to marry them or hang out in a Polish bar with them but he cannot knock all the people who think otherwise! He is being selfish and one-sided... be firm and nip this in the bud.. should you get married or have kids ...it will only get worse! xx
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