A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My problem is about me and my dad. We haven't always got along. After my parents got divorced, when i was nineteen, i lived with my dad and brother for 6 years. My dad used to do a lot for us, as my brother and I both didn't have jobs at the time. He used to complain about us not having jobs, even though it wasn't really our fault that we couldn't get them. Four years ago, he started dating again ( this was six years after my mum left my dad, and my dad hadn't been serious with anyone until then. He had dated a couple of women, but my brother and I had never met any of them ). It was a shock when my dad first brought his girlfriend ( now his wife ) to the house, and it was really hard to get used to, as i was just used to seeing my dad with my mum, and then on his own for years. When they had only been dating for four months, they told me that they were going to get married!. This was also a shock, as they hadn't know each other that long. They booked the wedding before they told my brother and I. I was quite upset that my dad didn't discuss it with us before he booked the wedding. My dad lost his job, and we couldn't afford to live in our house anymore. He told me that he was going to move to another area with her, but he said my brother and I couldn't live with him, as we didn't have jobs and because we weren't his girlfriend's children. I didn't think that was fair. He also said he had " done his whack " and that he wanted to have his own life. I could understand him wanting his own life, but i thought it was cruel to make me and my brother leave , given the situation we were in ( not having jobs ). I moved in with my grandparents, and my brother moved in temporarily with my uncle, as we didn't have anywhere else to go. We would have ended up on the streets if we couldn't have moved in with them!. And i don't think my dad would have cared. My dad is 40 years older than i am ( my parents have a big age gap ). After we all moved out, they got married. I didn't go to the wedding as i was still feeling hurt. We haven't really seen each other much since then, only for special occasions like wedding, birthdays, and concerts. He goes everywhere with his new wife now ( he didn't go everywhere with my mum, and i don't think it's necessary to go everywhere with your spouse ). And it's like i need to book an appointment when i want to see him. He says he has to ask his new wife when it's ok for me to go and visit them ( such as, when she isnt working. She works different shifts ). So, i can't just go there whenever i feel like it. We went to a concert together just before Christmas. I had bought some Christmas presents, and i asked my dad if he would come and pick them up as he was going to be in the area. He was coming to pick my brother up, and my brother doesnt live to far from me.He didn't respond to me though and he told my brother to tell me that he wasn't going to pick them up as he "didn't have time ", even though i only live a ten minute drive away from where my brother lives!. He was picking my brother up to go and watch a film with him, but it wouldn't have taken him long to pick the presents up. He told me to post them but i didn't, as i was hurt that he didn't come to pick them up, and i didn't want to risk them getting lost in the post. I haven't spoken to my dad at all since December. I feel too embarrassed to phone him now, as i have heard that he was upset that i didn't send the presents ( my brother told me ). I want to see my dad again, and i want us to get along, but i dont know how to fix things. I also wish that i could see my dad on his own sometimes too, not just when he is with his new wife. What should i do?.
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christmas, divorce, lost his job, moved in, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 It’s great that you want to have a relationship with your father. He seems to be making it clear on what terms he’s willing to have one; it’s up to you to decide whether those terms are ones you can work with. If you’re not willing to compromise you’re not likely to make progress any time soon.
I can see both sides of this. My parents split up when I was quite young, but my father always made it clear that it was a bad marriage he was leaving, not his kids. He was always clear that his children were very important to him, and made great effort to help our relationship with his new wife work as well as possible. I’ve always felt that his attitude was the ‘gold standard’ for such situations.
At the same time, part of a parent’s job is to help their children stand on their own two feet as adults. One of my cousins always made it clear that his kids were on their own from the time they were 18. He followed through when their youngest turned 18 – they sold their house and moved to a small rural cottage with room for only two. Harsh, perhaps, but today their kids are all successful adults. That you can be in your mid-20s and say that it’s “not your fault” that you and your brother don’t have jobs? As tough as the economy is these days, most people have managed to move on – in times as or more difficult. Your father may have been giving you a nudge he felt you needed.
While personally I would make more effort to include you in a new life than he has, I would also acknowledge his right to enjoy new love. It sounds like he’s very much in the honeymoon phase with his new wife. A generous attitude on your part would be to acknowledge and applaud his good fortune, and to frame your relations with this woman in that spirit. If they both come to see that you accept his new circumstances, over time they will loosen up and you’ll be able to spend more one-on-one time with him. But first you’ll have to put aside your resentment, justified or not.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Hi, I think this new wife controls your dad as she controls the purse strings and your dad is scared to jeopardise the setup. If you were an adult say 24 when your dad decided to "throw yourll on the street". I believe you guys were old enough to to care care for yourself. Look at it from your dad perspective, your mum left yourll with him and he worked for years and took care of yourll also did not have much of a life. I would say let him be happy, yes may not be perfect for you or your brother, but the man in entitled to some happiness. Also if for once someone is taking care of him, let him enjoy it. Just show some support and learn to love and spend time with your dad. You never know how long he will be around. Rather humble yourself and make amends that have a life long regret that you could have spent more time with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): I think you have evry right to feel betrayed and tossed aside, your dad has acted sefishly, yes we all move in life but to put her first and you kids second regardless of age or jobs is down right disgusting. If it were me i'd stay away from him and let him do the grovelling, he don't desereve you. I guess your brother went to the wedding? Your dad is just sucking up to him. Let him sweat it out, you're free to do what you want when you want now with out him telling you s**t !! :)
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