A
female
age
26-29,
*olly9945
writes:Well I need some advice. Currently I've been getting very jealous over things my boyfriend does with his friends that are girls. They aren't new things he's never done before, and I never used to get jealous. At first it bugged me but I got over it, but now I just feel jealous/angry/sad/afraid etc. when he does these things.Any advice on how I can tell him I'm uncomfortable with this without telling him to stop hanging out with his gal friends. I don't want to take him away from his friends, but I do want him to know that certain things he should only express to me as his girlfriend. (No he hasn't kissed or held hands with other girls, just friend hugs, and he lets them use his shoulder for a pillow, and recently he gave one girl a back massage, which I feel only we should cuddle and give each other back massages) Please just something I can say without telling him to stop hanging out with his friends or sounding rude.Thanks!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 As long as you are both 100% comfortable with the "rules" of the relationship then it is fine, and great, to set down a certain set of rules. But be careful if you see that you have a ton of rules for him, and then nothing for yourself, or you make exceptions for yourself.
Im not for rules at all really, I think people should be allowed to act however they want in a relationship as you never own a person, you date them! Know what I mean? You chose to date a certain person then you can't complain about the behaviour of that person because that is whom you chose to date. And being in a relationship shouldn't mean you get chained down.
Im just speaking from experience here. There are certain things that can be agreed upon as not acceptable, and certain things that SOME people find not acceptable but that really just be controlling. I will give you a few examples so you understand what I mean. In the end you need to follow your own logic (not irrational jealousy! Logic!) and as long as you are both feeling the same way there is no problem.
Examples of intimate behaviour generally not accepted:
-sleeping over in the same bed as a member of the opposite sex
-cheating (kissing, sex etc)
-stripping/flashing private parts
-phone sex, cyber sex, any of that sort with another person other than the one in the relationship
-grabbing on the private parts of another person
Examples of behaviour that can cause jealousy in a jealous partner, but that are perfectly normal to do:
-dancing with a person of the opposite sex
-wearing nice clothes
-talking to a person of the opposite sex
-smiling at a person of the opposite sex
-hanging out alone with a person of the opposite sex
-hugging a person of the opposite sex
Like I said I think you are in the line of trying to deny perfectly normal behaviour, which you should be careful with... He's not cheated on you or done anything extreme really. Then again there are good ways to hug someone, and naughty ways to hug someone, and if the hugging involves shameless flirting as well then it is clearly more than a normal hug. So use good judgment all over. A playful spanking on the bum between friends doesn't have to be cause for concern at all, while feeling up someone's breasts is quite the other. Know your boyfriend and his intentions and character, and judge his behaviour based on that. But in the end a lot comes down to trust, and to feeling confident in what you and him have together. If you feel threatened by other women then you do not have strength in your relationship, and keeping your man away from other women will never give you the trust and confidence you need.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): ~RESPECT~
I'm happy that your boyfriend responded to your concern with understanding and respect.
Please don't think I'm raining on your parade, but I would think that this situation would have never surfaced as it seems only natural that he would have found his behavior completely inappropriate now that he's in a relationship with you...friend or not...there are simply certain behaviors that mandate immediate discontinuance upon commiting to a relationship.
God Bless.
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A
female
reader, Molly9945 +, writes (13 December 2010):
Molly9945 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the first time he has given a galpal a back massage, so it caught me off guard and caused my feelings. After thinking about it I called him. We agreed if we don't like eachothers behavior we will tell eachother, and compromise if either of us thinks change is needed. We wont try and change eachother though, just compromise on ideals. He said he feels bad, and didn't know it would hurt my feelings or make me jealouse and he said he wouldn't do it again. He came to this conclusion on his own by the way, I just told him I was uncomfortable with it but would not try and ruin his relationships with friends. I'm not really the jealouse type, and I don't want to break up because of a spur of the moment emotions.
I hope our compromise sounds like a good one. I will also talk to him about things we will consider are cheating, for that is a great idea! Thank you for your advice, I hope to hear back :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 December 2010):
I understand that you get jealous, but I think this is a issue you need to address differently. Just coming out of a relationship with a man who didn't allow me to do certain things, minor things, like the ones you get jealous about, I will say it wasn't good for the relationship at all. It kills the relationship if you try to change/control the other person.
Setting a line for whats acceptable or not is fine, and necessary, for any relationship. Deciding what is to be defined as cheating or not is also needed.
However, this is not cheating. And it is not out of the line either for many people. If you let jealousy control you, and then control your boyfriend actions, you have a serious problem coming down towards you in a few years time. It is best to nip this in the bud.
If you are uncomfortable with behaviour of this kind, then it is not your boyfriend who needs to change. It is you. Or, if you can not handle being in a relationship with someone who is so open and affectionate towards friends then this simply isn't the right guy for you. It is fine if you don't think you can ever get used to this behaviour from a boyfriend, but then you need to leave your current boyfriend and find someone who agrees with you on whats acceptable levels of affection shown towards friends.
I am afraid this is just how your boyfriend is, and it'd be wrong to try and change him for what you'd like him to be. It would most certainly grow a distance between you two, and potentially resentment. I resented my ex for telling me what I could do and could not do with friends, and I am thrilled now that I am not with him anymore, I can be myself again and hang out with my friends like I used to!
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