A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. I just need someone else's opinion on what you think of my husband's response. I asked him to open up and tell me everything that happened between him and all the 4 women he got emotionally involved with (what they did, how far their relationship went, etc).The last Emotional Affair has been quite recent, hence these discussions. I told him I wanted that information in order for him to clear the air because I had a lot of questions (still do) on my mind and it is not helping in anyway in the healing process. The response I got was that the reason people want this kind of information(i.e to know if affair was physical)is to use it to file for divorce.He said he suspects I want to use it for that purpose. My concern with all of this then is that why would he even come to that kind of thinking yet he insists nothing physical happened with any of the women? Any opinions?? Would appreciate replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): wow your hb is incredibly selfish, has no honor and is a coward. He cheated on you with 4 different women and now he refuses to give you information on his affairs because it might be used against him in divorce court? I'm sorry you ever got married to someone like this, the only thing I can say is I hope you're divorcing him anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Thanks to both for your replies. I'm the OP. I want to mention that we have come to an agreement to separate, after I told H I want a separation. He is still living with me and the kids though at the moment until he sorts out all the logistics regarding moving out. When I discovered the last EA, I told him I am moving on with my life without him because I discovered he did not cut all contact with the OW. It has indeed come to a point whereby I feel enough is enough. I have realised I have been a doormat all this time and have enabled his behavoiur all this time. I am also beginning to realise that there is a possibility that he never truly loved me the as much as I loved him. There are several instances whereby, based on his actions (apart from the EAs), I felt he actualy did not truly care about me and I made him aware of that. I have so much going on in my mind, lots of questions, pain and hurt, sometimes the realisation that I have wasted so many years (13) of my life with someone who never truly cared and loved me. That is really painful, to say the least. Thanks again for taking your time to reply.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 You are asking him to "come clean" to you, not taking a tally of all his misgivings in his cheating.
He thinks you will use the info against him-he does not trust YOU in all this?
I would suggest the two of you get into marriage counseling to talk about the infidelities to see if your marriage can heal, if he can be faithful in all ways, and if you can move on. You may not need to know the facts, but he needs to understand you need SOMETHING to move on. How about sincerity on his part that he is sorry for what he did?
If he will not go to counseling with you, you can still go on your own to explore your thoughts and feelings if this is a relationship you really want to keep.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): I agree with the previous answer that you have now made this an allowable behavior for him in your marriage. After four affairs I don't see how you could ever trust him again, regardless of whether his relationships were physical or not. The bottom line is that he found comfort in the arms (figuratively but perhaps physically) of other women instead of turning to you.
This will happen again. And again. And he doesn't think he needs to answer to you or tell you anything because, well, that's what an emotional affair is. You stop telling your spouse your dreams, desires, fears, accomplishments, and you instead give all of your intimate self to someone else.
I think it is time you take a deep breathe and say "no more," and leave him. And until you're out of the house (or he is,) stop taking care of him in any way. If you do his laundry, then stop. If you cook him meals, then don't, only cook for you and any children you may have.
I know it's hard but you do not deserve to be the "wife" of someone who obviously thinks so little of you and doesn't respect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): His thinking is he knows you are staying put in the marriage so he's not going to disclose anything and continue on with his debaucheries. Think about it...if it were unacceptable, you wouldn't have put up with 4 affairs. He has the upper hand because he knows you'll let him cheat and the worst that will happen to him is some questioning on your part he knows he doesn't have to answer authentically.
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