A
female
age
41-50,
*erinity
writes:I have made the decision to separate from my husband after repeted attempts of leaving him and returning again within a week or two with the hopes that he was ready to get help as he's promised. He is an alcoholic and for the past two years he's become verbally and physically abusive, even in front of our two small children. I've never called the police on him because normally, when he gets physical with me, I always fight back to protect myself and he says he'll tell the police that I struck him first if I called them. Nonetheless, I know what I need to do. I know I need to separate from him until he gets clean and go to some alanon meetings (and it took me a long time to succumb to this. The problem I'm having is the guilt. I feel guilty for leaving him instead of supporting him, I feel guilty for taking the kids from their father, I feel helpless for needing help, I feel scared, nervous and a little depressed every day. Once again I want to give in and keep trying, but I know I need to stay away. How can I get over these feelings of guilt and betrayal? How can I move on without feeling so guilty all the time? Thanks for your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Stay away from those articles that claim that a good wife
should stand by her alcoholic husband. After you have been abused for a period of time, you start feeling worthless yourself, devaluated and your self worth, self respect and
self confidence suffers inmensely to the point to where you
start doubting yourself about making the right desition of leaving him and his illness behind. Don't hold hope that "maybe" he'll get better and we can work it out. This type of thinking only weakens you and gives ground to another relapse on your part where you might feel like taking him back again. Surround yourself with friends and family, if you don't have a career go back to school (is never too late). Take the kids to the park and have fun with them (it doesn't cost a lot to entertain them avery once in a while). Also you need "me" time. Go out, meet new people and when you go to bed at night read a few pages of a good book, something that will streghten your spirit, your soul, and stay focus. I am personally going through this myself right now, and this stuff works for me.
My alcoholic husband is seating in jail right now. I feel bad because he wasn't like this before, but I also have to continue to live my life and do everything I can to teach the kids that he made the wrong choices and there are consequences for this type of behavior. I have to heal myself too. It is a long road but it gets better. A little prayer doesn't hurt either. Take care and be strong for yourself and the kids, and give them everything in your power to allow them to become strong responsible adults.
A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (21 September 2007):
Why feel guilty - you have not left him for another.
He has left you for the bottle.
You gave him an ultimatum "Me or the Bottle" -
For the time being he has told you "The Bottle".
As for helping him to give up - you cannot. He cannot do it for you or your children - He can only do this for himself and then only if he chooses to do it for himself.
As for the future - He has left you. He and only he can choose the future and as for you - You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to feel guilty of.
An environment of having an alcaholic in the house is a horrible one and one in time your children will thank you deeply for getting them out of.
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A
female
reader, sweetlilpeachx69 +, writes (20 September 2007):
tell yourself it was a no win situation and you are better off without him
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A
male
reader, mysocalledlife +, writes (20 September 2007):
Hay whats up, here some advice if u wont 2 live a normal life. it's going 2 be hard but u need 2 move on u don't need a man smacking u around every time he gets drunk. Do it 4 yourself do it 4 the kids take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): Unfortunately, not everyone realises that alcoholism is an illness as well as an addiction.It sounds like he's in denial, trying to tell himself that he's not an alcoholic when you plainly realise that he is. My partner is an alcoholic and there have been some very bad moments with her, but there are no kids involved which makes my situation easier to deal with than yours. We've just about come through it now, although she still drinks, but has managed to regulate it and hasn't got drunk or violent for quite some time now. I'd like her to stop completely but it's a difficult thing for her to do.If he won't go voluntarily for counselling there's very little you can do about that, but I'm worried for you regarding the violence. I don't think you have any alternative other than to get away from him and take the kids with you before they get seriously affected by his unpredictable behaviour. One day he may even turn on them.So the choice is yours. Do you want to risk the health and happiness of you and your kids, who will be seriously mentally anguished at his behaviour? There's nothing to feel guilty about if you leave him. He's brought the problem on himself. Until he sorts himself out there's no other option for you at this time, difficult though it may be.Get out before someone gets seriously damaged or hurt by him. When / if he manages to stay 'clean' for a year, only then should you consider getting back with him. You never know, the shock of seeing you and the kids leaving may spur him on to seek the help that he needs, and bring him to his senses. You should know that it's very dangerous for him to suddenly stop drinking altogether, which could provoke some very unusual behaviour like hallucinations, for example. My partner did this, and was imagining cats under the chairs, was getting out of bed in the middle of the night and trying to drive off half-naked in her car to meet some imaginary person, knocking on neighbours doors at 3 in the morning etc. I'm sure they thought she was a complete lunatic - which I suppose she was when in that state.I sincerely wish you all the best of luck with this. It's not going to be easy for you, but I emphasise again - you must get out if he refuses any help.Phil
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