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female
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anonymous
writes: I really cant understand why my boyfriend puts up with me. I am 20 and we have been together for 4years. Our relationship has always been really good except we split up for 3months 2years ago because he was joining the army, I didnt feel that it was something I could cope with but then I missed him too much. The problem is I am so selfish, I have to have everything my own way and get in strops with him over the smallest things, I dont know why I do it but I realise that im being stupid afterwards.Please help me before I lose the man I love! xXx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Remember when you deligate a job it is up to the other person to decide how its done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I just want to add that generally I am not a selfish person, I will go out of my way to help anyone. I am the type of person that will help an old lady cross the road. I agree with everything you have said but I need to know how to change, when I try (which I have done numerous times) it only lasts a few days and then I go back to my old self x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I think the other answers are a bit judgemental. Being stroppy is harder to deal with than most people assume. You can't always just 'snap out of it'. It's something you have to learn.Here's a few suggestions:1. When you feel yourself getting very stroppy with him, try to put some distance between you and the situation. Most of the worst things we say and do are in the heat of the moment. Take a walk. You'll probably look even more stroppy the first time you do it, but it will help. You'll have time to think things through and to work out how you really feel. Once you've got some perspective on the situation, go back to him. Whatever you do, don't ignore the situation just because you've calmed down a bit. Explain to him why you walked out and that you want to talk it through with him.2. Try to reach a compromise. Most arguments that go on for a long time do so because at least one person doesn't want to compromise. Kill the argument: Work out how you both feel and what you both want; Explain why you feel how you feel, and why you want what you want; Try to get to the bottom of why he feels how he feels, and why he wants what he wants; Once you have a better understanding of each other's position, work towards a compromise that both of you are okay with; Once you've agreed on a compromise - stick to it, or negotiate it again, but don't break it.3. Learn to be assertive. Being assertive isn't about shouting or being stroppy. It's not about agreeing with everything and becoming a doormat either. Being assertive is about being firm but respectful. If you can, sign up to an assertiveness course. If you can't, there are some good books on assertiveness, and some good websites too.4. Listen. When your boyfriend is talking to you, listen to what he's got to say. Think about what he's saying and think about how you feel about what he's said. Take your time if you need to. If you're not sure you understand him, ask him some questions. Once you've got some clarity about his position, explain your own position. Make sure that he listens to you to. If he interrupts you, calmly say "you interrupted me", if he stops talking when you say this, carry on from where you left off. If he won't give you an opportunity to speak, calmly tell him that you want to speak. If he still won't let you speak, tell him that if he doesn't let you speak you will walk away. If that doesn't work, calmly tell him that you're walking away and that when he's ready to let you speak he can come and find you. Then walk away.5. Remember that all relationships take work - even if some relationships look rosy from the outside. Follow my gran's advice - "never go to bed on an argument" (stay up until you've worked it out).Good luck!
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reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I agree with the other replies here so I won't go into that except to say, you are aware of it so stop it... Yes, you are "lucky" he's put up with it so far but push it too much and for too long and he will leave... Everyone has their "breaking point".Hope it all works out for you and best of luck :)
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female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 No offense, but you're the one saying that your being stupid and selfish and you even realize it afterward right? So you are already aware of the problem, now correct it. Stop being so selfish and immature and grow up. Think about his feelings first before you argue with him over stupid little things. It's like a power trip addiction. You know he puts up with it so you continue to see just how much you can get away with. It's disrespectful and that's not how you treat someone you love. It's not all about you and you're lucky he's put up with it this long. Would you put up with you acting like that? I'm not trying to be mean but if you really don't want to lose this man then you need to step up to the plate and change your ways. Start by putting yourself in his shoes and think before you react. Good luck.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 If you don't want to be selfish , do not think of self. Think of others and how you can make them happy . It does not cost you anything. You only need to re orientate your perspective and look at things from a different angle . Just do the opposite of what you are thinking. If you hate, then love, if you want , then give ..
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