A
female
age
51-59,
*ormentedbylove
writes:I am engaged to be married to the most wonderful, loving, generous, kind man I have ever known. The problem is I am still in love with my ex, and I cannot shake these feelings for him no matter how hard I try. I do keep in contact with my ex, but have not seen him in almost 3 years (since I've been with my fiance)? How can I still love him when I am happy with someone else? I feel guilty for having these feelings for him when I have promised my eternal love to my fiance. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about my ex. I am even dreaming about him on a regular basis and find myself fantasizing about him sexually on a regular basis. How do I just get over him once and for all, so I can fully live the wonderful like I have now?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 April 2007):
 I agree with Iris49. Stop contacting the ex. Do you realize that you are cheating emotionally on your boyfriend by contacting your ex. Does your boyfriend know you do this? The reason it's cheating is because of the feelings you have. In other words, your not contacting him out of friendship or by coincidence, it's more than that. Not good. Move on and realize you're cheating by not devoting your time to the new guy.
By the way, love/marriage isn't perfect. It's a commitment, an arrangement, feelings, respect and a million other things rolled into one. You will be attracted to others form time to time. It's how you deal with the feelings that determine your amount of integrity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): You want to know how to get over your ex? Rule number one. Stop being in contact with him. You will never move on as long as he remains in your life in one form or another, even if it's only as "friends". Number two, you may not have allowed yourself adequate time to get over him, before you became involved with someone else, who you are now engaged to. I would say, postpone the wedding until you know this wonderful, kind, sweet man is really "the one". And you will only learn this truth once you stop having any contact with your "ex" and give your heart time to heal. Right now you're heart's not into it and that's a terrible way to start a marriage. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): Reality check!! The lines between fantasy and real live is getting blurred here and you need to get your hormonal excitement in check in regards to the ex bf, dear. That's all it is. Shake this off, or you screw up any and all happiness you and fiancee can have. I think you are in love with the "challenge" of loving an this unavailable ex bf, more so than actually being in love with the ex-bf himself. Lust perhaps? Quite naturally, this ex-boyfriend has a special place in your heart but, leave it at that and you need to get this out of your head. If he had been 'the one,' you'd still be with him and you both would not have broken-up. It sounds more to me like a case of being in love with the ideal, rather than the reality of what went on in that past relationship. Think long and hard about the good and the bad of that relationship. The only way to save your relationship to your fiancee...lose all contact with the ex, asap and realize the basis of a solid, loving, lifelong relationship with a good man is not all about sex. Don't get true love and sexual excitement confused. True love is the emotional connection, the deep friendship, trust, committment, respect and safety. Don't break up with your fiancee...you are engaged to him for a reason. Distinquish between lust (sexual attraction) and true love that will last for all the seasons. Maybe when you do that...it will all become clear to you. Good luck, hun.
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