A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. In the middle of complete shock - four days ago I found love messages on my wife's phone (no I wasn't snooping, but whatever..) We have been married 2 years, together 5, we knew we'd both met 'the one' and have always been devoted to each other. We have a house, horse and dogs but no kids. Over the last year we've had a lot of stress from two bereavements, both changing jobs, other family things. I feel perhaps we've got tied up in our own problems a bit and not talked as much as we did. Only one possibility.Anyway, this guy and her go back a fair way and I know they chat constantly on facebook. I confronted her, she said it's serious, not just a fling. I have said I want to save our marriage whatever the problem and whoever, if anyone, is to blame. I simply can't get anything from her. She says she feels guilty about hurting me. She stiffens if I try to touch her. I want to give her space if she needs it, but without some idea if we have any hope I'm going mad!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): A further update to you all. My wife has walked out and had been planning to all along, I just speeded it up by finding out. The need space to think was just buying time. Now at home alone with happy pills and sleepy pills and signed off work for two weeks. Happy marriage to medication in five days. So I guess you were all right, my head knew but my heart, well you know the rest.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Hi, an update - I know you're all probably right. Just so hard to accept. Last night I said let's have a night off from it, we went out for a drink and chatted and laughed and both said it was a relief. But I think she was also sloping off to text this guy. I asked her this morning, torn emotions is one thing, guilt is one thing but carrying on regardless, that is more like contempt. I guess it's easy to tell the obvious, just impossible to accept.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 There are certain instances where one person has crawled into an emotional black hole. It seems as if this may be one of those. I don't know if your area is a cause or no fault divorce area. If it's a cause divorce area, I'd file for divorce with adultery, and lack of consortion as the grounds.
There may be a chance for her to come back to you. That will have to be in her own time. By what she said it doesn't sound like you can just be given a few steps and begin turning things around.
The black hole I mentioned is where one person has completely detached their emotions from the relationship or marriage they are in. It's basically where the brain calls it quits.
This marriage breakdown is not your fault. I can't say that the breakdown itsself is her fault either. What is her fault is seeking affection outside the marriage as a method of coping with issues taking place inside the marriage.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, insidebeauty +, writes (7 February 2008):
Let her go. You've got to for your own sanity. You are better than that and don't deserve to be cheated on... you aren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, you are MARRIED. You may love her, but she's not the one ANYMORE. Or is cheating in your definition of what a marriage is? She broke the vow. Get separated ASAP and don't bug her. It will just push her further away. Let her do her thing and she may come back... realize what she lost... then maybe you have a chance at rebuilding and re vowing. It would take a lot of work on both parts, but would you ever trust her again? Try a little reverse psychology on her and make her learn a lesson. Lessons are what make us better people.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi,Well I think you are going to have to take a break form her.She has been deceitful towards you by hiding this developing relationship while still married, so she should be the one to leave the house not you.Obviously she has felt the need to fall into someone else's arms someone she feels will emphathise with her problems. This as you said has probably been down to the lack of communication between you too. But it looks like the damage has been done already and she is unwilling to give this guy up. You only have one choice , tell her to move out , she may find this starry eyed romance with her new man won't be so starry eyed once they hook up together.You are still legally married , she has no right to expect you to share the same house and financial responsibilities while she shares her life with another man. It is not on, tell her to go.Good luck.
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