A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well my problem started at the age of 4, I am now 15. At the age of 4 Ii was sexually abused, my mam didn't have a clue as she was busy planning her wedding to my step-father who was on heroin at the time, they are now divorced. Well, at the age of 7 I was told what rape was and I thought that has happened to me, but I tried to put it to the back of my mind, but couldn't and tried hanging myself. I finally told my so-called best friend when I was 10, but she told everyone. When the teachers found out they took me aside and said 'if this rumour is true, I want you to talk to me but if it isn't then stop telling people'. I did not go back to talk to her, because I did not want my parents to find out. 6 months later when I started secondary school, people were coming up to me saying 'have you been raped?', so again I had to say that I was lying and just wanted attention, which wasn't true. That's when my depression started, and I tried to commit suicide several times through overdoses to trying to jump in front of speeding cars. I lost my self-importance and at the age of 11 I had consensual sex for the first time with a 14 year old. Since then I have slept with 8 people. Boys treated me like sh*t because they knew I felt like that, they would hit me while having sex and push their penis down my throat till I was sick. I have nightmares and flashbacks even when I'm day-dreaming, and also find it hard to have sex sober as I get upset and start crying. About a year ago, my mam moved us to london, and it has got worse, I started doing ecstasy and cannabis, drinking heavily, self-harming and I have even developed bulimia to make me feel better and lose this feeling of dirtiness. My mam saw I was going downhill and would ask what was wrong, and I'd just say nothing, and then she got me counselling which hasn't worked cause I cannot tell him about the abuse as it is his job to inform my parents and the police, I am now being referred to a psychiatrist because of my temper. At one point I even considered prostitution in exchange for drugs. I tried to tell my mam about the abuse 2 years ago, but she was in such a state she can't even remember me telling her. On my 15th birthday 3 weeks ago, my best friend told my mam, and she flipped and got angry, which I think was because of her being a victim of sexual abuse herself. After telling my mam not to call the police, she went and did it anyway, which I forgave her for, I know that she only did it because she was worried and she cares. 3 male officers came round the next day, I could not stop crying and didn't want to talk to them as they were men. They said that a female officer would be round within 3 days, I'm still waiting, I have a feeling they are not taking it seriously, which is the reason I didn't want to speak to them in the beginning. My mam thinks it's her fault for not seeing the signs, like when I was in year 6 my female teacher brought my mam in and said I was an uncontrollable flirt and it was unusual for someone of my age, and on my first holiday at the age of 10 I was been chased by a group of 15 year old French boys because I had been flirting and when it came to them coming near me I ran. And also my mother was worried about my temper and thought of me as unapproachable, she did not know why I am such an angry person. At the minute I am in love with this boy 'J', have been since last year, we used to have such a good time together, but recently the only time he rings me is to have sex with me, I don't know whether I should tell him about my past. He was concerned about me self-harming and said he didn't want me to do it again because he didn't like seeing me hurt. I don't know what to do at all, Please help me.Thankyou very much xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaylor chu thankyou for your advice and i am trying to contact a group for sexually abused women, and it wasn't my mams fault she did not notice, because the people who abused me were only about 14 yrs old and they lived next door. I really appreciate your help and have took it all into consideration. xxxx
A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 You have stifled many many years worth of pain with lies and fear. You need to seek help that will help you deal with all that in a safe environment. Since you are still young charges can be made against the man who did that to you. From today on dont you keep any feelings of guilt or pain. Easier said than done but you did nothing wrong. It is better now to talk to someone about it and fix you now. Can't take back or fix the past but you can overcome it. Seek out counseling and a female doctor you can speak to. It can even be a group for sexually abused women. Whatever you do now work on getting yourself together and being a strong woman. Dont go after sex in hopes of finding something in it to make you feel whole again. Its not going to work. All those who suspected something was wrong were mostly concerned. If anyone asks again dont answer then unless you know they are in a position to get you help.
And thru this you and your mom work this out. She of course feels guilty because she let a man into the family who was not right and touched you in a way no man or father figure ever should. Talk with her. Some moms flip out. Some dont ever want to believe. See where your mom stands and talk with her how she has kept herself together all these years. You may find that she is your strongest ally.
I hope you can get the peace, help and way of life you wholly desire. You are so young and still in control of your life. Please take this time now to rise up out of that dark past and get you mind and heart together so what happened doesnt destroy you and the rest of your life.
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