A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:The wife has been getting a bit crabby lately because of her work schedule. She's a tour guide and they are paying her less money now for the same number of hours. She's picking on me every spare minute she can: i'm sick at the moment with the flu for the second time in a month so I'm the 'sickness man', I come to bed too late for her liking (hell, I got home and did all the clothes washing and cleaned up the dishes which is why I went to bed late). Yeah, many times she's first into bed because I let her have a shower before me or I'm catching up on any housework in our apartment (I would rather sleep in of a morning and go straight to work and fix it in the evening)...The list goes on and on. She throws it in my face about moving out for a day a couple of months ago after a bad fight. Well, we still got married and she's been fairly good to me but every argument results in the bad stuff being brought up again (typical, right?).Last night I got pretty upset because I came home around 8 and was starving. There wasn't any food and she knew I left the ATM card in her bag from the night before. Her phone was at home and her cousin (who has been visiting us all week) told me that she went for driving lessons for 2 hours. When she got back, I complained a bit about being hungry and tried to hurry her along so we could all go out and eat (all 3 of us hadn't eaten dinner). She was acting cold and strange and started yelling at me despite the fact I hadn't done anything wrong! The night ended with her looking through me like I was nothing and just making me feel like I was nothing to her. She purposely put on an act by throwing herself on the bed and going to sleep with her back to me ignoring my attempts to get her to talk. Hell, I told her point blank that it was no way to treat someone you love...that's when she busted out the 'you have no right to talk after you moved out and turned off your phone'.This morning she told me not to think so much...heh I thought she met an interesting tourist or something and that she disappeared to have dinner with them... now that's not having trust. Apparently she has a driving exam in two days time and must complete her hours tonight because the instructor is booked out tomorrow. So she won't be back home "until late tonight". Now that doesn't sound good to me at all. I want to drop by this driving place...I don't know her work schedule today either. I'm not happy with the lack of communication and it doesn't sound right to not have a definite time of return. Bs to just say "I'll be home late". Would cause any guy to raise suspicion right?I should quickly add that she said she would feel bad all day if she saw me upset. And that she felt like she should be able to express her unhappiness.We both have a lot of financial pressure as we only have 4 months until we move back to my home country. Her job is paying much less money now as I said and her main overseas job was cancelled due to lack of tourists so she will work the same number of days overseas with more work and half the pay.I am also unhappy of course, but I try to hide that from her. I don't want that to get in the way of our interactions with each other. I want a better paying job and a better life too. Want to save hard for a house and get settled. My current job is not enough. Hence the reason why I was asked to find more work to help support us. Of course I agree to that but I don't want to be seen as a money making machinen either! I like to have a balance - that's a difference in culture.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (13 June 2011):
 Sure no problem
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (13 June 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dodds!! If you're willing to, I'd like to discuss these problems further with you.
As I mentioned, she never got over the fact that I moved out for a day and was lining up another girl to replace her. It was when I reached the very bottom and couldn't keep going with her.
We have fought so much in our relationship that I sometimes wonder why we still work together... yet somehow we are stuck in this dynamic where I'll do something to upset her, she'll get abusive, I'll get extremely upset, she'll see me that way and come back to me trying to comfort me. But it's taking the toll on us.
She's easier to upset now because she's still sensitive about what I did. So every time I say something out of frustration or anger, things get out of hand.
She's under pressure because we don't have enough money and we only have 4 months to go before we make the move to Australia. Right now, her work is dropping off and she can only make a small amount of money in her overseas trips. She's learning to drive as well. Addressing the problems is bloody hard as she says I don't get her and don't understand but I can't read her mind and when she turns on me I am left to look back and think about whatever I said or did.
Our living arrangements aren't too good at the moment. Her cousin has come to stay with us for at least a month and won't sleep outside so she sleeps in the same room as us. Mind you, she's 24! We are going to force her outside at the end of the week (we have a spare bed outside). Tonight, her aunty and uncle will come back and will stay for 2 days again until they travel back to their hometown on Thursday. The uncle outside, the aunty, cousin myself and wife all in the same room. Now I know the meaning of communal living amongst Chinese ... Her mum is returning next month to cook for us until we leave in October (saves us money while we are both working).
What makes it worse is that she leaves for her overseas work on Friday morning and we both have to work (I finish late most days).
She keeps on talking about not wanting sex because she needs to rest. It's true that she gets this problem that she cannot get any feeling if she recieves oral too often.
No doubt we are both frustrated. I've already started to reach the point of max frustration from the lack of sex. We agreed to try in the next couple of days once the relatives leave.
My issue: it's like even that I'm her husband hasn't changed her from being a little indifferent to me. She goes through these regular stages where I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her. When she's so upset and angry she tells that if I'm not happy then 'there's the door'. Extreme hatred. She suffers from major anger issues. I'm no psychologist. I've read so much and it just doesn't make sense anymore. I sometimes look at her and how she walks around and think that she enjoys this false sense of entightlement and like a stuck up bitch. I know that's a disgusting thing to say about my wife but I really don't like how she behaves like she's above everyone and everything. Complete opposite of me. The end result is that I feel like I'm not good enough and can be replaced. I'm just the husband hanging around in the background annoying her. Nothing but an annoyance to her. Am I just a ticket? Can't go to that extreme but we have just such different priorities sometimes.
I'm exhausted and keep looking at exits... I try my best to talk to her but she behaves like I am not right for her. Put-downs and looking through me. How would you feel? This morning she reverted to loving again. I'm over these outbursts. Yes I'm getting more tough to her because I'm getting more fed up. She hates that. My lessening patience makes her blow a fuse. I just won't take so much pushing around anymore. Am I so bad for that? If I'm attacked, I'm starting to get to the point where I want to defend myself now.
How to get her to talk? She always gets angry and won't tell me outright. Just ignores me or changes the subject. Later she'll say that I should just get it and stop asking outright. Frustrating for me. Time apart is the only thing that diffuses the fuse. She then realises how much she misses me when she goes away on her tours and spends the time alone.
I just hope that she hasn't reached some point where we cannot get past the things that happened before.
You can probably tell now just how much I have invested into this. I really have given 100% to it and it's slowly breaking me down everytime she acts cold etc. I feel like it's manipulation and it drives me up the wall. A form of mental torture. She says she loves me but betrays that with actions against.
Not playing up behind me I think. But the anger spilled over in public. Again. I thought she called me idiot in Chinese and took off out of the cab last night. So in front of her friends I asked 'idiot?' with an annoyed expression. The confrontation caused her to go crazy and her friends had to restrain her after she started attacking me with her handbag and trying to kick me. Her friend was begging 'please stop and don't do this in front of us. He said he was sorry!'....
Basically, I've become the shit guy that treats his wife badly. Well that's how I am lead to feel. I was really shocked and disappointed with her outburst in front of her friends. We just played along in the KTV in front of the friends to save face. I refused to leave after she asked me to before we went inside.
To see her happy with others and not with me just makes me feel like worse. If I say something, anything, she will make me feel like I'm a piece of crap. She even accused me of cheating because I wanted to move out. I was thinking well, you sent me the text saying you were leaving and couldn't understand when I took the initiative to leave first :-/
So many problems. But I'm steadfastly refusing to leave despite the lack of love. It's like she doesn't care about affection etc. with me. But I'm the sort of person that needs affection and not put downs. Maybe I can report some good news later in the week after I try to talk to her more (chances are we won't have the chance until she comes back from tours).
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A
male
reader, Dodds +, writes (12 June 2011):
Her behaviour towards you seem to indicate that there are major underlying issues in your relationship,most of which you seem to be unaware of and not the work aspect or pressures you both are facing. Ill be blunt and say maybe she is so cranky alot of the time coz she is horny and lacks an outlet to express her sexuality..she needs more sex. Alternatively she has been carrying on behind your back and the guilt has been eating at her and the only way for her to ease her conscience is to lash out at you. Maybe its neither but for certain their are probs in ur rltshp which she feels arent addressed so you need to get to the bottom of it
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (12 June 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, solved the problem of her not coming home early. And yes I was right that she was going to go out with her friends and not bother to let me know and just have me believe she is out driving until late (yeah right).She is smarter now and let me know and even invited me along to the KTV. Just as well. I don't want a repeat performance of her hanging out with a bunch of 'work colleagues' until 2am... Without me I feel like that's not on. The last incident was when a couple of blokes invited her out. I moved out for a couple of days and almost broke things off with her after she did that (I repeatedly called her and wanted her to come home early because I didn't have the keys to get into our apartment and needed to start work early the next morning...she yelled at me for being so rude for interrupting her fun!).Slowly but surely this woman is changing. Now she will introduce me to her friends. I will be going along tonight even though my voice is ruined from a cold. Just want to keep an eye on her and I think I should be finally introduced to a bunch of her colleagues!It's hard to say why she turned into a bitch to me last night. My mind immediately went in the direction of her meeting and greeting a guy from her local tours...Probably she was just upset with a bunch of stuff but I'm still put out and amazed that she could treat me like I'm nothing to her. It certainly made my heart and mind leave her the next morning (I was stronger the night before and just laughed her off and wanted to stay up and use the laptop to watch some movies). I'm still not ok this evening. Despite the progress, I feel like she shouldn't have treated me like that. Last night I really felt like she didn't care about me anymore and could just leave me for the slightest of reasons... that's why my mind went straight to the idea of "I can't compete to other men".Explaining that: "I can't compete with other men"... she has on many occasions talked about the 'potential pool of available men'. Quite frankly, I'm in the stage where I just plan for my future and just take each day as it comes. I can't plan a long term future with her even though we are married because I feel like she could replace me at any time. We have talked about this before and she tells me how much she loves me and not to think like that. I then remind myself not to act like an insecure guy and be mature. But when her outbursts occur, my mind immediately assumes that her complete inability to see me or recognise me as a human being means that she has had an encounter behind my back and is blocking me out to protect herself from any hurt/guilt. So, that's when I tell myself I'm not good enough and should walk away from her.Actually, the insecurity trust issue arises from all the times in the past that she did the wrong thing like when we were first together we moved in quickly and I discovered her seeking another guy on a dating website. Really I was devastated. Then I caught her talking to a work colleague and he would talk things like asking her if she was going to wear her sexy underwear etc. He was married but they cut each other off after he had a baby.Yes this was disgusting behaviour and it took months of fighting and threatening to move out to try and get her to change. She kept on trying to please herself and staying out late and coming home whenever she wanted and not answering her phone etc.Breaking point: I reached emotional rock bottom 2 months ago and sought the comfort of a new girl, re-evaluated my life, looked for a new apartment, tried to set new goals in savings and plans for the future. I wasn't sure if I would stay or leave this country. But I did go back to her. The thing that made me leave was her bad attitude towards me, the KTV and golf incident (mentioned above), the indifference and the constant belittling. I reached the point where I thought she was comparing me to another guy. Her staying out late was backed up by a mate who reckoned it was without a doubt that she was cheating me. I was working 60-70hrs per week (up at 6am, home at 10pm). I couldn't cope. I lost it and when she got angry at me, stormed out, blocked my number and sent a message to say she was already gone. I gathered my things and sent her some messages asking if she was going to turn her back on 2 years' worth of our relationship so close to our marriage. No reply because I later found out she had blocked my number. It still hurts to think about this.So, I waited and finally decided it was best for me to go. I couldn't live in the apartment or be there when she was taking her things out. I stayed at a mate's house. I returned around 11pm and found things thrown in the garbage so I thought it was real that she had another man and was moving into his place. I left without going inside or seeing her. She called me at 12am and asked me to come home. I was drunk and seriously exhausted by this time. I said I was on the way home (she begged me for the sheets as she had to lie on the old ones we had packed away - I took everything else). Actually, I turned the phone off and fell asleep. I was numb and couldn't make sense of what I had done. The next night I ended up bringing everything back and things were frosty.Then the truth came out about me finding another girl (she discovered a message to a mate the day I left). I had been eyeing this girl off for a while after I realised my efforts were falling on deaf ears and I had reached my limit.Somehow we worked things out partially. But she won't let me forget about it. Christ, the day after our wedding she told me it's not legal and she could kick me away at any time. Joke or no joke, those words stay with people much like the others have. Every snipe and shot at me just pulls me further and further away.All I care about is getting home and getting my life sorted out with or without her. Just want a good job and concentrate on earning money. Quite frankly, she is my wife so I will keep trying to support her and try to sort things out. And try to become more mature and make less mistakes and learn as I go. But really I'm confused and disillisioned that after 2 weeks of being married she could act the way she did last night.I honestly don't know my true value to her. I can't go on like that. I suffer from low self-esteem too. This is probably something I carried into the relationship. I'm exhausted and constantly run down. Stress levels are too high. Consequently, people always see me sick on a regular basis. The lack of sleep, stress and exhaustion are doing it to me :( I'm looking forward to relaxing while she is overseas at the end of the week. Now I almost don't care what she does while she is away (partially because I've become used to it, mostly because I know deep down she won't do anything particularly bad to me - the small amount of doubt about her is part of the trust issue).Really, I am just as much to blame for going into this union with so many problems of my own. Yet, the vast majority of them could be erased in very little time if she was soft to me, treated me with more respect, talked about her problems, included me and behaved in a less selfish manner. Maybe for once show me that there are women out there who love their husbands enough to surprise them with something special or do something nice for them. I get affection but I would like something small etc just for once. Little acts of love and affection everyday no matter how stressed we are or how angry. At least a hug and kiss and talk about whatever is bothering us in a civil manner (like mature adults even if we have said something to offend each other). And not keeping score either. Just accepting and forgiving.Is that too much to ask for?? What a life I'm living eh? Way outside the bounds of normal. Just hope I don't end up divorced and bitter in 10 years time.
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