A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey.. I've been dating this guy for a year now, we will be celebrating our 1 yr anniversary 3 days before valentines day :) (yes we have had the exclusivity talk).My major problem has been communication.. he doesn't call me as often as i would like. He feels like there is no need for him to call because we meet online almost every night anyway, but then some nights he doesn't come because he is out or tired or busy or whatever, and he doesn't even inform me that he isn't coming. Overall he is very very sweet to me, always takes it if i lose my temper, he treats me good and is the best boyfriend i've had (im only 20 though so it isn't saying much - he is 23) he even waited for like EVER before we had much of a physical relationship.. hes quite a gem! but the whole i love you thing hasn't happened either.. and nor have we talked about our future together :( any comments or advice about that? The way i see it, there are two kinds of attitudes i could adopt.. one would be to exert my right and TELL him that he needs to let me know if he isn't going to come so that i don't wait for him and so that i can call him once i know he isn't coming so we can talk on the phone for a few minutes because i am NOT ok with this no communication thing (it doesn't happen too often but it bothers me a lot) - and if he doesn't inform me that he is not coming i can't just envision that he is not coming!!The 2nd kind of attitude is the whole playing hard to get thing, being less available so that he feels the need to chase me - the kind of thing ALL relationship advice books say? It would be really hard to do and i think it is silly to play those sort of games when you have reached an understanding and a comfort level with your partner! We have been together a year and then i start playing hard to get so that he calls me more often?? I wanted to know from both men and women (who have been in successful relationships) which one of the two attitudes would be more successful, telling him what i want and exerting my rights as his girlfriend, or "playing hard to get"? And any advice on what i should say is welcome, and if you have any comments about my relationship then those are also welcome.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 First of all if you exert pressure on him all the time then he'll back off! You've been going out for a year, that doesn't mean to say he has to "call in" every night. Give him some space, spend a night away from the PC and pamper yourself, let him wonder where you are for a change. If you come across as too needy then he'll feel compelled (pressured) to come on and talk with you. We all have days when we're shattered and just crash and he's probably no different. Trust him more and stop being so paranoid.
I know from experience that if you "exert your rights" he'll get fed up with it and you'll only make him bolt in the other direction, after all, no man likes to be TOLD what to do. You don't necessarily have to play hard to get either, just be comfortable within yourself and do your own thing sometimes, both of you need space from time to time and not always be joined at the hip. You'll see that he will start texting you and calling for you and making arrangements to meet with you online if you take time away from the computer some nights.
Meeting online a couple of nights a week instead of every night means you'll have more to say to one another too so don't worry so much. It will also give him a chance to miss you too.
Re thinking about your future together... he maybe IS thinking about it and is thinking "geeze, imagine living with this every single day...?"
~Eve~
A
female
reader, heartsick +, writes (5 February 2008):
Wow.... tough question, but it really strikes a chord with me.
Firstly, there is no rule that says wether couples should have daily contact or not. Some would say that to expect that level is excessive, but what is important here is what level you can deal with.
I think you are within your rights (and actually quite sensible) to let him know how it makes you feel when he doesn't contact you - but then you have to be prepared to hear how he feels about that. He may find it too stifling, or resent so much expectation. He may feel he wants more time to do other things. And if he says any of these things to you, you need to listen. If you miss what he's telling you, you won't get any closer to understanding him.
If you can approach this in a non-threatening way (so that he doesn't feel he's being attacked and just run off to hide from the hassle), you might be able to work out what your differences are - which is the first step to working out whether you can find a compromise situation.
Bottom line is that you are feeling insecure. After a year, it's not unreasonable to let him know that and see what moves he makes to try to deal with that. BUT I think that you may need to accept that some of the issues may be yours (I'm not making that judgement, how would I know? but you have to face that possibility).
The main thing is for both of you to hear what the other is saying about how certain behaviour makes you feel - both sides! If you're both willing to make an agreement and stick to it, you will probably be able to stop tying yourself in knots.
Just don't get too stuck into this 'he-must-call-once-a-day' thing. Maybe it's better that he just calls as often as you have agreed. You may even find that once the pressure's off, he feels more inclined to call / come online more often, because he feels less under pressure.
Playing games to regain control is good in theory, and sometimes it works -but it can misfire completely. I would save that one until and unless you ever get to the point where the relationship is making you more unhappy than happy, and you are prepared to risk it ending. Because sometimes that happens, and if you issue an ultimatum and then back down because he doesn't choose you, you will never have any control or respect.
I talk from experience. I once became so unhappy in a relationship (communication issues, what else?), that I ended things, despite loving the guy desparately. It hurt, but I stayed strong because I knew 100% I could not have stayed with him as things were.
That man is now my husband, and it was a turning point. However, it could have been the end and I would have accepted that.
Don't gamble unless you are reconciled to the real possibility of losing. And don't set your standards so high that they become stifling and you drive someone away.
There is one more way I can think of. Ease up a bit - maybe try taking the first step and acknowledging that it causes tension between you when he doesn't come online daily and doesn't inform you. Suggest that you cut back to every other day - but on the condition that you both tell each other if you can't make it. The deal is that you must not try to catch him online or ask for his attention on your 'off' days.
That may make the relationship more relaxed, make him appreciate it all the more, and he may end up missing you on the days inbetween. It may end up being him that wants to up the contact, or it may work better that way and you may see that the benefits outweigh the initial anxiety.
Security will grow only if he can tell you how he feels. Remember that if you punish him for not doing as you 'tell' him, he may resist contacting you. By all means state your feelings, without accusing him of anything - but also propose the solution. I bet it will really take him by surprise, and might totally change the way he sees you, and the relationship.
Good luck - I really feel for you. It's hard to fight what you think you need, but it might make the difference.
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