A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi this looks like a nice site. Hoping I can get some sensible advice.I'm living with my girlfriend, and we have been talking about getting married. Been together more than 2 years. She can be cool, knows I go to strip clubs with the guys some times, all that, but she is pretty jealous. Well, she is up in arms right now about the idea that I might look at porn sometimes. I really am not sure the best way to respond, as I do care about her feelings and all that. Anyway, she is nailing me down for the big "why would you do that? aren't I good enough?" and all that. How does one respond in a sensible way? help. Ladies especially... what is a sensible response that would sound caring, yet realistic?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Don't you think if you go to these strip clubs and porn sites for "hot women with great boobies" and you masturbate to this that you are conditioning yourself to be attracted to this and therefore less attracted to your girlfriend (if she doesn't look that way)? Will you end up having to think of these other women in order to have sex with your girlfriend?
Trust me, if it's something that you don't feel that you absolutely need, it's worth giving it up for someone that you love. You don't want her constantly hurting, do you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): From a girl who hates to have her boyfriend watch porn I totally agree with the first two posts. It gives a girl bad self esteem and it'll just drive her crazy. And yes she probably will check your computer for sites or stuff you downloaded so yeah it's really not worth it, otherwise I can tell ya right now that she will leave you if it gets bad enough.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 For more answers from a girls perspective take a look at this question and answers:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/whats-your-opinion-about-porn.html
I think it's useful to see both sides :)
p.s. It's great you both were able to sit down and talk about it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I wrote the question, and I thank all of you for your time or thought. This morning we talked about how this is really just fear on her part about me, and I assured her there is nothing to worry about. "We're invulnerable" is what I say.To some of the questions or comments - I don't really care if she looks at a stripper or goes out with the girls or whatever. I'm not threatened by that and not to brag, but I've been quite blessed in the d*ck department and shave it up to look like a porn star and it looks quite nice if I do say so. I'm proud. (Guys try this if you haven't yet - take the compliments graciously.) I may not be ripped like some of the porn stars, but I found out a long time ago that confidence is way sexy to women and I'm quite comfortable in my skin.So to put it bluntly - I look at porn sometimes cause yes, hot women are nice to look at it. I go to strip clubs sometimes cause among my friends, we are in agreement that hey, if we are going to sip a couple of beers, having strippers around too just makes it better. Yes, is nice seeing a nice set of boobies and butt I can't deny. And I really think any guy is in denial if he says he doesn't.But I do care about my girl and although I tell her she is safe all the time and usually agrees, sometimes this happens. I'm just asking for the right approach and words to use, cause if I said what I wrote above well that's just not sensitive you know, and sometimes I need a little coachingin saying sensitive things, cause I know I'm a softie but I don't have alot of practice in letting it out, cause I only let it out with her. So thanks for the coaching, and please feel free to share more advice if this clarifies anything.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 February 2008):
Well... to put it bluntly sometimes you want a "snack" and sometimes you want the full three course meal.
Tell her it's nothing compared to the real thing with her and you love her and that makes it all the more amazing.
However, if it's becoming an addiciton then, of course, she would have very good reason to worry. There are some stories on here from girlfriends whose boyfriends are addicted and that isn't healthy for the relationship.
So in summary, just tell her it's just porn and NOTHING compared to her.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): As a chick who loves watching the men in porn (so much better than anything you can find in real life) tell her to take it up for herself! Porn is amazing, the guys in porn are gorgeous and have GIGANTIC, beautiful d*cks. Tell her porn is just a way to check out something better, something more (which it is) and tell her that as a woman, there are plenty of hot guys in it for her to look at as well, and use in masturbation. After all, guys love looking at women with giant breasts (even if they are fake), women love looking at hot guys with great bodies and big d*cks, it's just the way it is. Also tell her to check out some male strippers if she's insecure about the strippers. I can tell you, they are built amazingly well. The only way for her to feel comfortable with your use is if she uses it all too, that way you are both equal, you both get your ogling satisfaction and neither of you can be jealous! It's the best way, it's how I am with my man. Strippers and porn are great supplements for a sex life. WE have great sex in part because I can use those fantasies to fuel our sex life, I just picture the strippers, porn stars, movie stars, etc, it really gets me going. It's very helpful especially if you've been with someone ages. Chances are she is already fantasizing about some singer or actor or male model, so she just needs to take it to the next level (the level you're at) and REALLY start with her fantasy world. It will awaken her as a new sexual being and increase her self confidence. It's the best thing for her to do.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi,
It all depends if you think you are equals in the relationship. If you do then would you have a problem if your girlfriend went to clubs with her girlfriends and oogled guys with big dicks?
What I'm trying to get at here is make you realise your relationship is uneven, you expect her to accept that you go with the guys to strip clubs - this is not meeting up with your mates for a few beers its a sexual experience and your girlfriend isn't included. I don't blame her.
I think the porn is just an extension of this concern - I dont think porn is in the same ballpark as the strip clubs as the action is a world away from you on a computer screen, at a club it is in your face ( so to speak :)
I think you need to start thinking about if you want to be with your girlfriend and build a future together or you want to hang out with your mates perving at chicks.
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A
female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Hi
It sounds like you really care about your girlfriend and want to reassure her that your porn usage isn't a problem, right? This may be tricky, given that you know it already IS a problem in her eyes.
Only you know what need/s your behaviour is meeting. For example, some men view porn as a release in times of sexual frustration, others may use it as a form of escapism, or as a way in which to 'self-soothe' when they are feeling stressed, rejected and/or insecure about their own sexual performance. For others, it has simply become habitual. Are you clear on the reason/s behind your use?
A big part of your girlfriend's objection seems to stem from the questions it raises/insecurity it creates in her about your feelings for her and the intimate life you share (there may also be other reasons behind her objection to porn, such as the belief it objectifies women, but this seems to be the main one).
I guess it comes down to truly understanding your respective attitudes to porn, and how much you are willing to compromise around these differences. For example, you may see your porn use as quite separate to your relationship i.e. you may believe that looking at porn doesn't affect how you feel towards your girlfriend or the intimate life you share together. She, however, does not see it this way - to her, your porn usage is inextricably linked to how she believes you feel about her and your sex life. She is quite likely to be interpreting your behaviour as a rejection of her, and a statement that you do not find her sexy or desirable. Is this the message that you want to be sending to your live-in, 3-dimensional lover?
I hope this helps. Best of luck!
Dale
www.daleecounsel.com.au
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A
female
reader, welshbrunette +, writes (6 February 2008):
 been there done that.........a total lack of insecurity from your partner......unfortunately.
She feels inadequate that you feel the need to be "oggling" other women, who obviously have great bodies and looks thats why they are employed....
The worst thing you could do is ignore her feelings of insecurity and carry on or do these things behind her back...definate no no
You sound as though you're happy with her...ask yourself deep down what you like about these strip clubs etc and your need to go to them....sit her down and explain!!
Truth, the best word ever!!!! means more than love, because without it...you dont get the other!!
Also, you really need to think just how you can make the woman you love feel more confident about herself and also about the way you feel for her....
This should make your realtionship much more stable and loving...
good luck and hope it works out....
if all else fails, COMPROMISE
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A
female
reader, Ms Tee +, writes (5 February 2008):
 I totally agree with the last poster. And also, looking at pron is one thing, but going to strip clubs is another, I wouldn't be happy about that it if I were in her shoes either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): If it's something you can do without, and she really hates it, I would say give it up. Otherwise she'll resent you and continue to feel insecure about herself. And trust me - she will be checking your computer and everything she can to see if you're using porn. Not worth it!
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