A
female
age
30-35,
*annapao26
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now, hes 36 and I'm 20. I love him more than anything. We had our up and downs but we are always there for each other and find a way to work our differences. He knows my family and they all love him, however, no one in my family knows he's my boyfriend and that we love each other. There's time when I feel like telling everyone but I'm scared my mom won't approve of our relationship since he has 3 kids and is much older than I am. We've been keeping our relationship a secret and I keep lying to my family when I go see him. I do want to tell them because I want our relationship to go to the next step. What can I do, should I talk to my bofriend to see if he thinks is time to tell my family and then tell my family about our relationship? Is so how do I tell them, how can I sit with my mom and talk about this? My mom have never met a boyfriend of mine and we never talk about this topic, she doesn't even know I'm sexually active, she does tell me that's is time to have a boyfriend but how can I tell her that I've been lying for a year?... pleasee help me! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (21 July 2011):
I wouldn't be surprised if your mum doesn't have an idea of what's going on to be honest!!
She may or may not be happy about it, but you can bet your life if she openly disapproves, she knows this will push you more towards him! If you are both keen to get this relationship out in the open, I think you should have a chat with your mum with your partner there to support you.
If he is a genuinely nice person, and he treats you right, I'm sure that will work in your favour, far more than the age difference, or how many children he has.
I'm sure your mum would just want you to be happy, with someone who treats you well, rather than someone your age with no kids, who treats you like shit!
Good luck x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 No,your mom won't approve. 16 years older, with 3 kids ? Heck, I am tempted of disapproving myself :), and I am not even remotely related to you ! I am not your mom, but I am a mom, and us moms have our typical quirks . One is that of disliking 36 y.o. dads dating our 20 y.o. daughters- we tend to be very critical of this type of situation.
And... ? What do you want in life, to always have your mom's approval, or to work at building your own happiness ? When the two things do not coincide, you necessarily have to pick the second. Because you will be the one living your life, not your mom- you'll be the one who needs to be happy with your choices, not her.
So, sit her down, take a deep breath and... spit it out.
Apologize for having being secretive and not having trusted her with the truth. Explain her that you were afraid of worrying her or disappointing her, but, that , after a year, your ideas are clear and your decision has been taken- that man is your man,and that's the way it's going to be. Which won't change the love and respect that
you feel for your family.
She will pout and grumble, I guess. Then, time will tell. If this relationship is succesful and makes you happy, she'll come to terms with it and in fact will be probably grateful to your bf for making you happy. If it fails- hey at least she'll always have the satisfaction of telling you " I told you so ! ":)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 You haven't been "lying" as such. It's normal to not tell your parents about each and every guy you date, unless you have your parents as a friend and discuss your sex life openly with them (like I do with my mom, it's got both positive and negative sides). The norm in dating is to introduce to parents when you feel the time is right. Meaning, when you want them to meet and you feel serious enough about the relationship to include family in the business. It's seen as a big step. It's not something you typically will do right away, the norm is to wait, just like you have.Don't mention anything about lying, or that it's been this or that long. Tell your mom "Hey mom, there is this man I have been seeing. We've been together for a while now, and I would like for you all to meet him". Then bite your teeth and say "I was nervous about introducing him to you because of one thing. His age." And drop the bomb, and the kids he's already got. It'll be a shocker, but she'll get over it. No need to venture into details about when you lost your virginity, you're 20 years old, she ought to expect it'd have happened already. First time introducing a boyfriend to your parents is scary no matter who the guy is, and we all freak out about whether or not he'll be accepted. But look at it this way, he's by far not the worst man you could be dating. He isn't a criminal, doesn't do drugs, isn't unemployed living with his mother, he shaves and wears nice clothes and hopefully smells nice. As long as he's polite too you've got it nailed.Who cares what your parents think, in the end you're the one in the relationship, not them. My mother has made snide remarks about every boyfriend I've introduced to her or told her about ever since my first serious relationship ended. She adored that guy. No man has since been good enough. But screw that, I know what went down in the relationship, she doesn't. It's your life after all, you're the one who live with your decisions, and you need to make the choices that make YOU happy. If this man makes you happy, then your mom doesn't really have a say in it.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Mothers have enormous capacity for forgiveness and when she understands how happy you are she will forgive and forget the lie. Be blunt blurt it out tell her you worry she may be unhappy with your choice but that you have gone into this carefully and that you are really happy. You don't need to say anything about lying just that you wanted to see where the relationship went before you told her about it.All the best it will all be ok. Us mothers just want the best for our kids and for them to be happy. Your happiness is the key.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Maybe you could talk together about how best to tell her, and then do so together~?
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