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female
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*ink_day
writes: Hi everyone, I'm new to this so please be kind to me!I am 5ft 5, slim with brown hair and green eyes and I work in Administration. ***MY PROBLEM**My past relationships have been rubbish to put it bluntly. I have been forever lied to and cheated on, and it is hard for me as I am very sensitive and take things very badly and to heart. Sometimes I hate myself. This is to do with MY insecurities and my lack of self confidence. I have been seeing a fantastic guy for over ten months. He is all I could ever ask for, smart, caring, fun to be with, genuine, trustworthy, loyal and gorgeous. We are the same age and I got together with him one night when I really wasn't interested in pulling, it just happened and I am so glad we met.But I have got so insecure, paranoid, jealous - you name it. My boyfriend has never done anything to give me any reason what-so-ever to feel this way. I know this has a lot to do with my past relationship problems and I hate that I can't let go of the past and see this relationship, and my boyfriend, for what it is, a totally new, fresh start. I text him permanently when we are not together and when he is out with friends on a night out (which isn't often) I get so paranoid. The thing is, I know I am being stupid and afterwards I feel so silly for texting him, I know he would never hurt me. It's me thinking, "What would I do if he done that...." etcI have so many hang-ups about myself, and I just don't believe that he wants me sometimes. We have almost broke up once before because of this and I thought that I had got better but I haven't. I just want to be happy and want my boyfriend to feel as though I trust him. Sometimes I feel like ending it just so he doesn't have to go through this time after time. Can anyone give me any tips please?! What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Individual counseling is in order to help you sort out and cope and deal with your insecurities and other issues..trust...would be best.
Couple that with what Juliette offers.
Stop the what ifs that are so destructive...you are feeding those thoughts which in turn further enforce your feelings of mistrust and self worth which in turns makes you hate and loathe yourself.
It is a destructive cycle and you have to wonder why you would feel the need to punish yourself and rob yourself of happiness...why don't you believe you deserve it? It is clear you want it.
Seek individual counseling to address these questions.
I suspect a homelife of cold, disastified parents that taught you love was conditional; which is untrue.
You deserve happiness, love, and peace just like anyone else.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (14 August 2006):
 Hi,
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques may help you. You could get a basic book on it or try this simple exercise when you are feeling rational. Write down 6 things that worry you most and play on your mind. Then next to these things write 4 positive other possibilites that could explain the thought.
For example: He has arrived late and I think he has been speaking to another woman he fancies? Then you would write something like 1. He couldn't get in the bathroom to get ready to see me because his little sister was using it. 2. He called at the petrol station to get some money out to take me out. 3. He forgot to iron his favourite shirt so had to do it before he set off. You get the gist?
Then, when you are feeling negative and low you read the rational thoughts and focus on those and mix it with a bit of bloody mindedness in that what you can't change there is no point worrying over, especially since it is that negativity that is driving him away. If he goes, he goes, and that is your lot, so make his time with you a pleasure and he is much more likely to stick around.
Good Luck
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