A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with this guy who has showed me he doesn't love me back or at least the same way I do. He is self centered, bad tempered, some what paranoid, liar, drinks and smokes cigars that I don't like.After all this I should say to myself, why the heck I love him, but Is just something I need an answer to, since he's like a drug to me, I LOVE HIM and don't know how to get rid of him, he can be all these, but when he talks to me and is with me I feel like heaven. Please help me see how can I rip him out of my heart and mind? Why is that so? What can I do?
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male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 First of all, maybe he can start smoking cigars that you DO like?Just kidding. You know, I had a similar problem. This past year, I had a relationship of sorts with a girl who was untrustworthy, a financial leech (I gave her $2,500 and she never even gave me a small gift), promiscuous, self-centered, flirtatious with other men, and she smoked (not cigars but still...).Yet, I was thinking about her ALL the time. Even when I knew she had sociopathic tendencies and all my friends said she would destroy me if I did not end the relationship.It was really her beauty and her charm. But it was an illusion. When she was with me or called me, she had a hypnotic effect on me. Like you, it was killing me! But I forced myself to maintain my distance from her and to every day remind myself with notes that my vision of her was a lie.You are infatuated, but you are not in love. Love demands reciprocation. You need to put up a letter on your wall of his true qualities, look at it every day, don't talk or write to him, and keep busy. People tell me it will fade with this girl, and I think they are right. So I think it will fade for you too.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 hi
first of all figure out if you want him in your life or not, coz its sounding like you do, even though you seem to know he is not right for you. make a list of all his good and bad qualities. i have been confused in the past about men coz although they have made me unhappy i have been really attached to them never-the-less! making this list is the first step to deciding if you really want them gone or not. if their bad points far outweigh their good, that's the second step, look at the bad points. keep in your mind that you cannot change a person, they are what they are and if that is not suitable to you then you are free to go and pursue your ideal qualities elsewhere. do not waste your time sitting around waiting for the person to change or nagging/pressing them into change. look at his good points, are they superficial things or is this someone who is really worth keeping? likewise, are his bad points big issues to you or are they things you can live with? don't forget - no one is perfect!
if you decide to let this man go, keep this list, for however long you need it, READ IT every time you have moments of doubt that you have done the right thing. do not be tempted to carry on going to the places where you know he will be, asking mutual friends about him, texting, phoning, messaging him, if he has a social network page, do not be tempted to look at it. if you really want him out of your mind and heart, then keeping in contact in these ways is like not not letting a wound heal coz you keep picking at the scab!
like i say though, you need to be the one who decides that you want him gone, not your family, friends, workmates or anyone else that you tell your relationship problems to. and hey, if the time to end this isn't yet, fine, do what right for you. I've seen this scenario so many times before and i usually find that one day, when the time is right for YOU, you will be ok to cut him out of your life, coz you get to the 'enough is enough' point, and there will be nothing he can say or do to make youchange your mind
xx
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A
male
reader, tone +, writes (3 January 2011):
 You need to cry and mourn the loss of him. Try to fill up your heart with something else. Write in your journal. Exercise. Be creative. Turn your pain into something beautiful.
Focus on the bad stuff. The smoking and drinking. Get out and look at other people. there are lots of people in this world and lots of love to give to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): You have it right, you are addicted to him. It is like a drug. He treats you badly but you will take it all because you crave his presence. Listen, this man is no good for you. Like nicotene, his is just holding you captive but doing you no good. Sadly the answer is the same, you have to cut him out of your life. No contact, texts, facebook nothing. A real love will love you back, think of that as an aim for the future.
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