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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is still watching porn daily, and I can't stand this horrible feeling that I have. I've asked this before, but I'm not satisfied with any answers or results. How should I get him to stop watching porn? He wants to marry me and i want to marry him too, but i always have told him i don't want porn around me. He does it in secret and tells me constantly that he isn't, and i always ask him to stop. We both check up on each other(he checks my facebook/phone and whatever) I just check his porn, he knows i do. I gave up pot for him because he says it hurt him to see that. This valentine i said all i want is for you to just go two weeks with out the porn, he said that would be easy. I checked today (the 5th) and he's been doing it since i asked. How do i stop his addiction?
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female
reader, jenni_girl83  +, writes (21 November 2009):
First of all, to the guys getting offended saying that porn is not bad. Well, in my experience, no one get's that bent out of shape if what is being said is not true. Porn does hurt the one's that care about you in many ways. And for the guy's that are disrespecting their wives by saying that they like to think of themselves with other women, your wives should leave you, and most likely will. You are so self-centered, and have no heart to say that about someone whom you obviously loved at one point in time,because you married her. If only the "addict", whether male or female, seen the damage and truly felt what your partner feel's, I highly doubt you would continue to do it. I feel sorry for anyone who is or has been hurt by a significant other who put's porn first and most important in their life. And yes, you are putting it first in your life if your partner has issues with you watching it and you just don't care about their feelings. I am in this situation myself, and let me say, the damage porn does is very harsh and devastating. It is cheating I think because you are actually watching other men or women having sex to get off, instead of clinging to your mate for that affection and love. Hmmmm, does your hand really feel much better than the real thing? No, and anyone who says it does, is a liar and is looking for excuses to continue their selfish lifestyle, no matter who they destroy in the process. I say destroy, because that is exactly what it does, it consume's and destroys the person bound in this problem, aswell as the people who care and love you the most. It hurts me deeply to hear and see this going on with so many relationships. Think aboout it, it's a fact that part of a satanic ritual is orgie's.. When you watch porn, you are commiting a heinous act against God and your partner. Please men and women with the addiction, realize what you are doing to your partner, and pay attention to their action's and emotions. They are giving you sign's that you need to pay attention too. We are hurting and need you to see it. If you don't want to stop and think there is nothing wrong with it, then let your partner go. They deserve to love and be loved, without sharing with a device or another person the special intimacy that bond's a man and a woman.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): To the last anon female - I'm glad you got out of that situation. For all the reasons you outlined - the fact that the girls are all clearly drug-addicted, were usually abused as kids, are very obviously troubled and mostly have scars from self-harming - I find conventional XXX porn utterly horrifying (not that I ever watch it, but I have on occasion been in social situations where some lad has decided to switch on one of these 'films') It has always sickened me to the point of feeling faint. I think any man who seriously gets turned on by watching these girls being basically abused and brutalised by steroid mutants is sick. But happily, that stuff has been sidelined in recent years by the increasing popularity of amateur porn, which consists of hot couples having great sex which they decide to post online for the viewing pleasure of others. As far as I can see, it doesn't involve any exploitation at all. As a middle-aged man with a non-existent sex life and no realistic prospect of ever getting laid again, I confess I watch this stuff quite a lot, and I'm very thankful to the couples in question. I still get horny like anyone else, and I've got to make my life as tolerable as possible. If that makes me a sad pathetic wanker, f*** it, who cares? I'm also aware that this form of porn is watched and enjoyed by a lot of women. So bear this in mind before dismissing 'porn', and everyone who watches it, as irredeemably evil.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): For all of the peabrains who think pornography is just a man's little private peccadillo, have a listen:1) You are watching someone's else's daughter who has taken a very wrong turn, and maybe for all you guys who think porn is so benign, you will enjoy someday seeing your own daughters up there, because with fathers with your attitudes, she'll have a really good fighting chance2)ALL women who work in the sex industry are on drugs, or alcohol, most were sexually molested as children and as a result suffer from serious personality disorders which they treat and anestethize with narcotics, needles, and pills; no one can be a porn star without being looped out of her mind all the time, impossibleHow do I know all this? I did it for 4 years, and there was not one woman I worked with who drew a sober breath, or was not utterly unstable in one way or the other and deeply troubled. Further victimization of childhood sexual abuse victimsNice job, guys, good luck to your daughtersIs that a good enough reason to detest pornography?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): After reading everyone's response I basically know that this is a really wide-viewed opinion. Me personally though, being in a 5 Year relationship, knows what your feeling. I have been trying so hard to get him to stop looking at porn that I finally gave up. But one thing came up recently that really disturbed me. He has limewire and I was going to get on it to find a song, and as I was searching through the lists, and seeing what else was downloaded, I noticed that there were videos being uploaded from his computer of very bad porn!! I instantly asked him what it was and he deleted it and the whole program from his computer because someone had put spyware into his computer. I also knew that the only way that he couuld get that had to be visiting some sites, (aka porn) that could do that. I comfronted him that night and told him he needs to stop because I am not going to deal with something that might happen if s wrong page is come across.As for you quitting the pot, he could at least realize that if the porn is hurting you, that you sacrificed something for him and he should do that for you. I dont think he will ever change though, cause my BF has promised 4-5 times along our relationship and again, after 5 years, the most recent conflict i wrote about was last week! So just talk to him and maybe you can knock some sence into making him realize what you feel. Im sorry and I hope this helped a little bit!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): I can only tell you, that as a self proclaimed porn addict myself, I use it as an escape for the ebbing lack of desire on my wife's part. I can't help but wonder just how many men use porn for fantasy substitution since the real thing has been left in the past. And no...many of you out there may think the addiction caused the decline in desire, but that is far from the truth, since the addiction came later. What is truly implausable for me to believe, is that there may be folks out there that are addicted to porn, who also have a spouse or girlfriend that is commited to having spirited and loving sex life focused upon the other's satisfaction. In my case, she thinks she does, but that opinion should not be self derived. Aren't all addictions based upon what is missing in their life. Ladies, if you love your husband, you need to wake up and either attempt to turn on...or move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): The answer to your question is that you CAN'T stop his porn addiction. Like all addictions, it's completely out of your control. Do not wait around to marry this man. I'm in the process of divorcing a porn addict who promised me before the wedding that he would quit and start attending a 12-step program, and then a few months after the wedding he dropped out of the program and went right back to porn. Even after I left him, it wasn't enough of a wake-up call for him to quit. Like another woman on here said, your relationship will be consumed by this addiction, even if he decides to get better. There will be couple's counseling, 12-step meetings for both of you, countless books on sex addiction--and even then your relationship might not make it through recovery.
I also want to respond to the man who said he watches the porn because his wife has gained weight and he wants women he can't have. This is NOT the reason all men look at porn. I am a highly attractive woman--extremely fit and thin--who's beautiful in that classic "Barbie doll" way. However, my husband looks at trashy amateurs who are much less attractive than I am. Many of these women have flabby bellies, droopy breasts, etc. It has nothing to do with how attractive or unattractive a man's wife is and everything to do with the porn addict having serious issues with intimacy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): I'd give a better answer if I had time. You need to know that on a completely logical and objective standpoint, that person can still love you and from the sounds of things does.
Pornography however perverses pleasure centers, and the like, and also sensitizes the person viewing the porn(they may not like it, but they crave it nontheless).
If he truly is in a position where he wants to stop, but can't. Then he needs to stop using whatever medium he is using temporarily(TV, computer, etc.) This weakens the brain maps for the habitual action overtime making their impulses weaker. And finally if he got to much DeltaFosB in his system, then regulation is impossible.
Again let me emphasize that he can still love you. Pleasure centers however when given to much dopamine at unnatural levels ( via things like porn) can twist and hurt their ability to find anything else attractive. General the process reverses when they stop though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I know what you're going through, in fact, that's why I came across your question. I keep looking for answers as to why my boyfriend keeps looking at porn. Here's a truth for all you guys out there who don't think porn is such a big deal...especially for the last anonymous guy who posted an answer to your question. I agree pot and porn are quite different. But here's one characteristic that they both share...they're both addictive. If they weren't we wouldn't have many problems with them would we. By the way [anonymous] gives advice and shares his views, he's already addicted or isn't in a serious long-term relationship or at least one that's going to last. If you don't believe that porn hurts run a search engine on the internet, yep, the same place where you get porn. Still in denial? Then you definitely need to revisit this question in about 10 yrs and if you say you have been happily married for 15 yrs with it[porn] out there and in the open and hasn't affected your family, friends, job, etc. I will personally apologize. In a nutshell, men who look at porn get a false view of women. In porn, you have numerous, attractive (in one way or another) women, who don't care who the heck they have sex with. They never get jealous of each other, they never get pregnant, they never get STDs, they never age, they never die, they just have sex and play out these fantasies that aren't reality. NONE OF IT IS REAL! (I don't care what you say when you can't back it up with proof.) Most of your pornstars in your favorite porn videos are ACTORS/ACTRESSES...meaning they are paid to have sex in front of cameras. AKA...prostitutes on tv/internet. If it's not a bad thing, then randomly walk up to a little kid and hand him a picture of your mom, dad, Aunt Ruthie, and your little sister having a foursome in a graveyard and let me know of his reaction. Porn does hurt, it does hurt relationships and, in most circumstances, ultimately ends in divorce. Take a poll of the number one reason couples don't stay together (referring to teenagers in highschool/early college years). "He cheated on me..." "I caught him kissing another girl..." (he wasn't having sex with her, but it's reason enough to dump him) He fantasized about what it would be like to kiss some other girl that wasn't his girlfriend, and thinking there's nothing wrong with that, he acted on it. So what's the big difference in that scenerio and porn. There isn't one. Eventually the person you're with won't be satisfying anymore because real people have flaws and your cyber-whores don't. Not everyone can lift both legs over their heads and have sex with two guys at once. If any guy thinks girls don't get jealous, you're definitely off in La-La Land. I have to agree completely with "female reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008)" on her comment.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Don't watch porn together; that's ridiculous! Porn's a fantasy game that's all about personal gratification. There's a problem if you have to pretend that your real sexual experience is insufficient, and you both have to pretend in your minds that something else is going on. Most pornographic acts hurt, and they don't demonstrate safe sex. Sex is a partnership, porn is self-love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): wildman...sorry but your a fool...you state clearly that you watch porn to fantasize about someone you cant have...dont you realise that this attitude is so compleytely pathetic.......NO WOMAN WITH SELF RESPECT WANTS A MAN WHO IS WITH HER BECAUSE HE CANT HAVE OTHER WOMEN...or even to feel that fantasises about other women is really sad...I feel sorry for your wife...no wonder she has put on a bit of weight...what woman wouldnt, knowing that he is lusting after other women...men like you (and I use that term 'man ' very lightly really have no idea about intimacy, love and saving your sexual desire for one special person....please dont brng any innocent children into the world until you grow up....there are enough kids with divorced parent...because mark my words one day that lady of yours is going to wake up and realsie she deserves a whole lot mor than a guy who watches porn to fantasise about the women he cant have...she will leave you sorry arse...garanteed...regardless of how "ok" she says she is with it now!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I would agree with LJ001. NOT all men watch porn !Those men who don't watch porn are those dead, unborn ,blind and those primitive men who lives in the deep jungles.They have never heard of porn!
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male
reader, wildman +, writes (22 February 2008):
 I believe if you give your boyfriend something to do with you sexually he may look at porn less and less. It is a habit that is a curiousity for some men including myself.
Of course all men don't do it, all men don't do anything the same, that what makes the world go round. Who cares whether all men do it or not. Nobody's perfect including yourself. You probably have habits he doesn't like. If it is really that important to you and he is the one you want otherwise, then try your best to draw his attention away by dressing up sexually and wearing some exciting body smell like love spell from victoria secret on a regular basis. I know this might not be popular from a female perspective, but it might work, it probably would for me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I'm very sorry to hear that. Keep telling him to stop and ask him if you really love me you will stop looking at porn.by the way i need your help to...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): If he continues with the porn, get rid of him. Even the guy who said all guys watch it - again , where does he get his facts from. If I did something that upset my partner, I would stop if he asked me. The problem here is, men don't (or won't) give up the porn. They think it is a right of passage. And the guy is even advocating the guy deleting stuff and being subversive. I think men need to be clear about why they watch it - the theory being they can't give it up because they have got so used to porn being the cause of their orgasm. Again, if you can get one man to explain to me what they get from it and why they would choose it against their partners wishes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I really feel for you at the moment as i have just the same problem. One thing id like to point out to all the people who say it is ok and just live with it, is that i can tell easily by the way my fella behaves in bed when he has been watching porn. So how can it be harmless? Dont get me wrong, these are only subtle signs and nothing he can tell he is doing but i have never been wrong about this. I belive that most women can notice these things to, which makes porn very harmfull. Why should a man behave differently towards the love of his life because of what he has been watching. The problem is men often cant stop it, so it is an addiction, if it were another addiction ie drink, drugs etc that affected you and upset it would not be acceptable.
Not all men do it, fact!
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male
reader, wildman +, writes (7 February 2008):
I watch porn myself. My wife has gained a little weight and feels inadequate I believe. There is no real reason to feel that way. I believe men just like to fantasize about someone they can't have, I know I do. It gives you an extra arousal, especially when one's testosterone level is lower than it should be like mine.
I believe it can be healthy and fun if you open up a little and try to understand what porn he is most interested in and act interested. He will probably get turned on by you then. good luck
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 February 2008):
 YOU can't stop his addition. You have two choices, either you accept it or you move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Actually, the other post is wrong. All men do NOT watch porn and this is a damn fact.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): If it bothers you, and it clearly does, and you are prepared to carry it thru, then ask him to choose, you or the porn, that way he is in control and has the choice. I told my husband I have chosen to not have porn in my life, it does screw up relationships no matter what some people say on this board, I have lived it so I know what I am talking about. If he is addicted or not, it does not matter he is doing something that upsets you and it is coming between you, how can you marry a man who is not prepared to give up something that is causing you so much upset. If he continues to use it behind your back the trust is broken and that is hard to get back, please go to this web site and learn more about the use of porn, how damaging it is, npsupport.net
I wish you the best of luck, remember you do not have to put up with this behaviour from him, and not all men do it contrary to what some say.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Either you come to terms with the fact that all guys watch porn and those that say they don't are filthy liars.Or you can let it really bother you and dump him.Pot and Porn are very different. Porn will not kill you or screw you over in the same way.But if he knows it bothers you it is HIS duty to be discreet and erase his history and all of that so you don't come across. And if you make him choose he is honour bound to choose you, although I can't see why you have such a negative view on Pornography.You would rather he watch Snuff films? Try watching some porn together and re-encating the scenes as they happen... its bound to add some spiciness to what seems to be a boring life.Flynn 24
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