A
female
age
30-35,
*lla88
writes:My partner is 30 and I am 20, we love each other and I think he is my soulmate. I just wish I had met him 10 years ago and things would have been different. He has two kids with his ex and they live with her. He visits them in the holidays and for their birthdays and calls every weekend, he's a wonderful dad. All I know about the ex is that they were on and off for 8 years and that's it. I think he might go back to her once he realises it would mean he wont miss his 13yr and 5yr girls. Can I ask him about why they broke up? Can I tell him I think he'll go back and I don't blame him?I feel so torn. I love this man but I want to be the most important person in his life, he was once most important to someone. I will always come after the kids (naturally) and the ex. Am I being reasonable? I don't want to leave him but I know in the long run I will have to because this will eat away at me and I'll be unhappy. Is it mean for me to want to live in the moment and enjoy each others love for a while? After all, he got to live in the moment when he got his girlfriend pregnant and when he left them too. That sounds mean but I'm not being mean, I love him. Please tell me what you think. Thank you.Ella
View related questions:
broke up, his ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Ok I will excuse him only seeing them on birthdays and holidays since he lives a 5 hour flight away... ugh that is hard....
the only person that can speak to him supporting OTHER children in addition to the two he already has is him.
Kids are not cheap. I'm sure he sends a chunk of change to his ex for the kids as he should.
Only he would know if he can even afford another child. or if he wants one. he may not.
the ex is part of the kids... she will always be part of his life... but not the way the kids are.
when I think of my family it's my current husband my two grown sons and my dad (my (quasi) stepmom and brother (and his husband)... not my kids father..... and I was married to him for a long time... I get along great with my ex. we are civil and friendly.
when he had a heart attack when the kids were late teens... I cared about him, not for me but for my children.... that was why I worried about him... so no the ex is part of the deal but not the way the kids are...
and if he puts his ex before his current partner, he's not ready to be in a new relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): You have every right to ask him these questions. Why should you waste your time hanging around if in the long run he is going to go back to his ex.But there must be a reason he is with you and not her. On/off relationships mostly don't work. If he is committed to you, then why can't the kids come visit him, and you could meet them.
...............................
A
female
reader, ella88 +, writes (25 February 2013):
ella88 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, perhaps I worded the '10 years ago' part wrong, I meant I would have liked to meet him before he had his kids. Admittedly then he would not be the same person he is today, I know this.
Selfishly, I want to live in the moment. I think he can too though, his schedule around his kids wouldn't change at all.
What do people think about further issues down the track like him being able to support other children and child support?
Of course I know and accept that I come after the kids. But isn't the ex is the same package as the kids? I really don't want to come second to her.
Thank you for your answers, you're making me think about this differently.
Also, he lives about 5hours flight from the kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 From your description, what I think is he's not worth your attention. The question though is not is he worth it. It's how do you reconcile the differences. Right? Well, you can lower your expectations (not my recommendation) OR kick him to the curb and keep looking for someone that meets or exceeds yoour expectations. There are millions of deserving men that fit your bill. Find one and let loser go his way.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
Dear Ella88,
You love your partner and you believe he loves you.
You wish you had met him when you were ten and he was 20…. Why so he could be your babysitter? I’m so glad I did not meet my husband when he was younger… I’d never be able to see him as my life partner if I was his baby sitter when he was 10….
A man who only visits on holidays and birthdays is a wonderful dad? How far does this wonderful dad live from his children????
Can you ask him about why they broke up…
OH YEAH you should not only ask him, you should ask her if you have the chance… it will be very interesting to see why… although since he was 17 when t he oldest was born I’m assuming they married because “they had to”… those relationships don’t often work out….
Can you tell him you think hell go back and you don’t blame him?
You can but why would you want to? What are you trying to accomplish by doing that? How can you say you don’t blame him for going back? You have no clue why they broke up and no idea about their situation… what if she was abusive and he still wants to go back, you still don’t blame him for wanting to go back to an abuser?
You love this man you say…. And you want to be the most important person in his life
AM I being reasonable you ask…. If you know you will come after the kids then yes that’s reasonable. You should be before the EX… if he puts his EX before you, then that to me is not acceptable.
If you are saying you want to come before his kids, no that’s not reasonable:
Truthfully, if he makes you the most important thing in his live to the exclusion of his children, how will that make you feel? And if you stay with him and have children with him, and it doesn’t work out for you and he meets a new young thing and she wants him to make HER the most important thing in his live to the exclusion of his let’s say now 2 older kids and his younger children with you how will that make you feel? And your child that you have with him that he would cast aside for this new woman?
So let me ask you a question…. It’s not wrong to want to live in the moment when you are 20 without kids… but he’s 30 with two kids…. How in the world can he live in the moment? He can’t.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Ella: There's nothing "wrong" with a 20-year-old woman meeting and falling in love with a 30-year-old man... Probably happens more than you'd imagine....
The greater question, in my eyes, is YOUR rather immature reaction to the dynamics of what does - and can, and has - gone on in each others' lives.....
Your questions - many of them - need be of no import. That they worry you, suggests that you aren't comfortable with what is happening between the two of you...
How about printing out a copy of your submittal... placing it before him... and saying: "Hey, hunchy-bunchy, I wrote this.... and would like to feel better and more confident about what's going on between us. Care to comment?"
If he is a good man, he will address each and every issue to your satisfaction.... IF he blows you off, and declines to discuss them... then you will have learned that you and he are not, really, on the same "wave-length".... and going your separate ways is a pretty smart thing to do...
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 I think that maybe his ex was thinking of living in the moment too when she got pregnant , then she found herself a single mom of two, with a man that comes and goes back and forth according to his "moments".
Not all moments are so worthy being lived in, after all :).
...............................
|
