A
female
age
30-35,
*aria.niz
writes:Hi guys,I have just started a new relationship with an amazing guy, but I am afraid we are not going anywhere.I keep on thinking that I don't deserve being in love, and I tend to get too cynical. I wonder, "if my past relationship failed - even though I was so in love - how can I even think this one will succeed?" and so I don't give myself 100%. This really affects my relationship, I'm afraid my bf will soon leave me if I don't make myself and my mind up.How can I regain my self-confidence? How can I believe in love again? How can I believe that I am gonna love again?Thanks for the help.
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female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 What you fear you create
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I'm looking at your age-group appearing above your post.
It is given to be between 18-21. This is pretty young, and you don't really have a lot of experience being in mature and stable relationships yet. All you know so far, are relationships you've had with immature males. While you yourself are barely out of your teens.
When you're young and really have little to go on yourself; you can't expect people who are as new at it as you are, to
know what it takes to maintain a stable and fulfilling relationship. You are both still growing and developing; while in a youthful "trial" relationship. You're going through growing pains, and learning to relate to boys as well.
You're a little bit of a drama-queen. With all that how hurt you've been from past relationships. How many?
Please! The drama of "puppy-love" is a matter of choosing to cling to a knuckle-headed jerk, or dumping him. Instead,
keeping him around to drive you insane; while telling everyone how much you love him, as he's jerking you around.
You are far too caught up in being "in-love." You don't really have a clue what that entails; and you are trying hard to create a dream-like perfect relationship comparable to a fairytale romance. They only exist in the movies.
If a relationship doesn't meet your unrealistic expectations, you have problems; and the relationship ends in disaster. Then you form a negative attitude; and drag your old baggage into the next relationship.
Truthfully, you are too immature to carry on a relationship. This is evidenced by what you explain in your post. Don't take offense to what I'm saying. It is part of helping you to deal with your problem.
You are going into relationships hoping a guy will solve all your problems, and make you feel better about all the bad things that happened in your last relationship. He'll stop you from being sad, and create happiness. That's a
tall order. A lot to expect.
You are also putting yourself down, feeling unworthy. This sabotages any new relationships; before it even gets off the ground. That needs work.
Guess what? No one is responsible for making you happy.
That is solely your job. You are given choices and opportunities through life; which you use to set your course to find your happiness. Not through guys or other people. They are there to share and celebrate your happiness. You find happiness before you seek love.
You have to love you first. So make yourself happy!
Do the things you like, and reward yourself for being young and alive.
If you are unhappy, you are in no shape to be in a relationship. No one needs a broken version of you. You wouldn't purchase a broken cellphone. Why would you want a broken boyfriend?
Why would some nice guy, who has done all he can to make his life happy; need some messy girl to come along and dump her crap all over his happy life? Why would he deserve that?
That is neither his problem nor his responsibility. You don't "go into relationships" already messed-up, and still hurting over some other guy. You heal first. Work all your
past relationships out of your system. That's maturity.
What right do you have to do that to someone who likes you? He is giving up other girls to commit to you. He doesn't deserve some messed-up girl; who isn't sure of herself, and how she feels about him. Nor would you deserve that.
Seriously?!!
You need to take time off and stop jumping into relationships; just so you can drag a guy around and show other females you can get a boyfriend. Only feeling whole;
if there's some guy to prop you up like an injured cripple.
If you want to prove something; prove you can keep a guy, and be a good girlfriend. By getting yourself together. Fix your head before jumping into a relationship.
Coast along and just have some fun being a carefree single girl! Without carrying the weight of love-drama on your back. Rushing into relationships; because you're too weak to enjoy being single and afraid of being alone.
Your mind must be fit enough to handle a relationship, before you commit. Insecure people are infectious, soul-devouring people, that bring nice happy people misery and pain.
I recommend you not commit just yet; but "date" for fun and companionship. You've got some growing up to do. You don't know a thing about yourself, and you're going around blaming guys for messing you up.
My questions is, what are you doing to improve yourself as a woman? What have you done to try and rebuild your self-confidence? Do eat a healthy diet? Exercise? Read?
Help people? Make friends? Travel? Explore? Have a hobby?
Stop looking for love. Try finding yourself first.
In your present state, you wouldn't know what to do with love once you found it; because you're still being a child.
Focus on education. Learn something about who you are, and set some goals for yourself. You're too focused on boys, and not you. You're caught up in love-drama, and not developing as a strong and independent person. Your life is being on a mission to look for some perfect relationship.
How about focusing on growing up and molding yourself as a powerful female first? Then you will be prepared to deal with the harsh realities of love; as well as the wonderful aspects of real-love. You'll trust yourself, and learn to trust others.
Equip yourself, fix yourself, and you'll find confidence to do anything. That includes finding love and being able to bring something to a relationship; not always trying to find something in a relationship to make you feel better about yourself.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 You have residue in your past relationship and haven't processed every feeling. It would be wishful thinking that if you are in love and you put in effort, then the relationship would be successful but reality is different. There are compatibility factors as well. You go into a relationship to build good memories and to have fun. You don't go into it to fight and argue. You can be in love with the idea of the perfect romance but not realize the person is not right for you. There is no guarantee in love. Shielding your heart could cushion your heartbreak but it also means you can't be open enough to receive love.
It takes time to develop confidence and believe in love again. You can take the time to learn about the new guy and know that he is different from you ex. Love is a state of mind and not something you do. Follow your heart but also bring your head with you. Remember if it's not forever it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. You can also think of it like love runs its course and you learn to let go rather than clinging on to it and insisting that it stays forever.
I don't like how people over emphasize the importance of being in love is because that's when you also fall in the notion that at anytime the person's love is not as deep as before, then you are trouble and it goes downhill. For a relationship to run smooth you kind of have to lower your expectations and be realistic.
Don't worry about love being perfect for now. Just focus on the guy you are with and see if you can have fun together. You just started a new relationship and it's not time to make your mind up. Don't let him pressure you. Tell him that if he rushes you then you would slow it way down.
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