A
female
age
36-40,
*urquoise88
writes:Hi, I'm in desperate need of advice. Anything is greatly appreciated! Here's what happened...I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 27. We've been together for almost 3 years. We both still live at home with our parents. He is my first boyfriend and I lost my virginity to him; he has had other lovers before me.Last night, we were hanging out and I we got into the topic of marriage. I wanted to say "so do you want to marry me?" but I realized it sounded like a bad marriage proposal and I said that out loud. "How about, what do you think of getting married?" He said something along the lines of, "I believe in it's idea but I don't like how the government is involved in it". Automatically I noticed an excuse and realize that if a guy gives an excuse, it generally means they just don't want to get married to you. Immediately I'm disappointed. He notices and we start talking more about it. I explain why I want it, I say "I think it would be so awesome to have another human being willingly choose you as their partner for life and ask your hand in marriage, I would love to feel that special feeling, knowing that someone loved me enough to commit themselves in every way to me". So I realize we don't want the same things out of our long term relationship and I'm crushed. Of course, I start to cry. There is no good outcome. It's either I stay with him and sacrifice a personal goal or I leave my first love and try to find love again even though its never guaranteed. Over the 3 years we did talk a little about it and his responses gave me hope that he did want to be married someday. He never me the "I don't believe in the government being involved" explanation before. I've also told him before that I didn't want to waste my time with someone that didn't want to marry me. I didn't want to become a 'forever girlfriend' or in a situation like: why buy the cow when you can the milk for free? He said something that gave me hope that it was a possibility one day. We also discussed one day living together and I told him I wouldn't move in with him unless I knew for sure that we were going to get married one day. He even suggested the idea of like a promise ring but I said it wasn't required just that I needed to know that it was going to happen.He told me that he wants to be with me forever. He wants to see me at 80 years old with wrinkles. But doesn't want to marry me? He said, "that he wants to be with me for many years and be committed to only me, and isn't that what marriage is essentially about?" BUT if he loves me so much as he claims, why is marriage out of the question? Now I want yall to understand that I wasn't expecting a proposal that night or anytime soon. I know were not where we want to be in our personal lives. We both live at home and he is looking for a new job. So I felt that it was going to take awhile. But I needed to verify what we wanted out of this relationship at this point in time. I also don't want him to change his beliefs/what he says just to make me happy. I don't want to force him into anything. It just wouldn't feel/be right.I reworded the main question, and asked "do you see yourself getting married to me someday?" and all he could say was "I love you and want to be with you forever, but I don't want to make you unhappy". So with that I realize it's not gonna happen with him, I'm not special enough for him. What should I do? He doesn't want me to leave. But there isn't much of a choice right? Either accept being a 'forever girlfriend' and missing out on a personal goal or try to find a new love again with someone that also wants to be married one day..?Please, any advice or similar experience please share with me. I want to hear other peoples thoughts on this! Thank You for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): "His response was unpromising." Hmmm, you never know. Maybe he's waiting for the right moment when your hopes are down to ask for your hand in marriage. Why don't you try waiting for a while. He's taken three years of your life, surely that should mean something.
A
female
reader, turquoise88 +, writes (1 February 2014):
turquoise88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@janniepeg: i agree with what you said, "I also agree that if a man is in love so much the government won't come between that love." maybe i can mention that to him the next time we talk. we are still together right now... also i have saved up a decent amount of money; not enough for a mortgage thats for sure but enough to move into an apartment and live on my own. my parents dont mind me living at home with them and actually dont want me to leave, they want me to save and wait till i get married (they are pretty traditional). my plan was to move in to an apartment with the bf when we were both ready and under the condition that marriage was in the works. im not sure how much he has saved up, but he does tell me that hes working on it. i know he doesn't have a lot, so i know getting married isn't something he can afford right now, but his response was unpromising @WiseOwlE: we're not living together. we live at our own parents house. we visit other, no sleep overs. i do agree that his explanation was ridiculous :/ also wanted to clear up that he has told me many of times before this incident that he wanted to be with me forever. like he would say, "i want to be with you till the day i die" and my response would be "what if you die 60 years from now?" and he said hes fine with that. soo I've been hearing how much he wants me in his life; hearing that gave me some hope that marriage could be a possibility... i appreciate your male viewpoint.@Aunty Babbit: i would like to get married for the lifelong commitment to my best friend and lover. the ceremony does not have to be big and overdone for me. i would like to feel special, knowing someone chose me as their life partner. you say "if you know that the relationship is absolutely right and perfect for you and you are completely happy, then does it matter?" i think it matters to me because i was under the impression that he wanted to get married someday, im his longest relationship and he tells me great things and hes so nice and there has never be a cheating problems in our relationship and hes never been wishy-washy with his feeling for me. soo things are good between us, im getting treated the way any girl would love to be, but he has no plans on putting a ring on it.SO im still confused. we're together. i havent seen him yet. i doubt the marriage topic is going to come up the next time i see him. something i need to think about some more... but i know i need to leave if im feeling sad around him in future, only time will tell that? i dont know how long to give my thoughts and feelings for this. and im pretty sure im going to stay living at home with my parents for a while longer lol :( i know moving out with him will doom me as a forever girlfriend. anyways thank you all for the responses so far. any more advice is greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I have known MANY guys who claimed they were against marriage and they would never do it who wound up happily married.It's not uncommon for guys, especially younger guys, to feel the way your boyfriend does. Most will change their mind eventually, if they are lucky enough to have a woman in their life they want to be with forever.You say you're not looking to get married right now, just that you want to know it will happen eventually. That may not be as easy for him to say as it is for you. Especially when he's put on the spot like that. He didn't flat out and say no, right? He just couldn't bring himself to say yes.Personally, I think it's silly to think that means you're "not special enough" for him, when he's clearly expressed that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.Give it some time. You said you're not where you want to be in your personal lives...well, get to where you want to be in your personal lives. Revisit this when you do feel like you want to get married right now.You may decide by that point that marriage isn't a deal breaker, or he may decide by that point that he does want to get married.I wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to you before it got to that point.Basically, I wouldn't make such an important decision before I absolutely had to...and I don't think you have to right now.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 Why do you want to get married? Is it for the beautiful dress, the swirls of confetti, the awesome party? or is it because you want to be with the person you love the most in the whole world for the rest of your life?
I ask this because your guy is offering you forever but because that offer isn't wrapped up in a veil with gold rings, you consider it to be less of an offer.
When I married the first time (I thought it was going to be forever)I was 25 years old and totally wrapped up in the idea of "my wedding day". Needless to say we had issues and it didn't last.
When I met my current hubby, we were both divorced and were (still are) head of heels in love with each other. We discussed marriage but he said he'd married once and didn't want to again but that he loved me completely and forever and would never leave me.
I was a bit miffed to start with until I realised he was right. Being happy and committed with someone who genuinely cared about me was much better than getting married to someone who was just in it for the tax benefits or because it "was the expected thing to do".
I had learned the hard way that a fabulous dress and a gold ring didn't tie a husband to me.
7 years later, my lovely man, approached me in the kitchen one day and said "Do you know, I really want you to be my wife, I don't know why but it feels right!"
We have been married 5 years!
What I'm saying is, if you know that the relationship is absolutely right and perfect for you and you are completely happy, then does it matter?
If there are issues between you or you doubt his honesty and commitment to you and you think his response is just an excuse to hide his reluctance then you may need to review this relationship and look for someone more compatible.
You shouldn't have to give up your dreams but a dream should at least live up to it's reality.
I hope this helps AB x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): He is not interested in marrying you. You're a great girlfriend but not his idea of a wife. If you're living with a woman for as long as he has, you can't tell her you don't want to be with her long-term. So he came up with some cockamamie explanation. When cornered, confuse your opponent.
He had to say something to make you feel better after telling you in a convoluted way; he doesn't want to marry you after taking up three years of your life. It's the lamest thing I've ever heard.
Yes, before you waste any more of your life. Leave.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 February 2014):
 You are wondering if he is against the institution, or if he has a specific person in mind that he would marry. I also agree that if a man is in love so much the government won't come between that love. A person marries with the idea that it's forever, and not worry about what assets he would lose after a divorce. Anyone who feels that at anytime he can up and leave should not get married.
I am also curious about your financial situation. Do you both have enough savings to get a mortgage? He is looking for a new job so that means his career is not yet established. I don't blame him for not wanting to get married. He doesn't want to be tied down with financial responsibilities when his money isn't secure and he hasn't lived his life yet, or had any adventures on his own yet.
It's hard to say just leave. All you can do now is to empower yourself and work on the goal of being financially independent. Then having a husband is just an option in life, not the only thing you look forward to.
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