A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started dating my boyfriend July of last year. For the last 5 months we've been on-and-off. I'll start with saying that he is the only person I've ever met that I've been able to be my 100% self around. I do love him and I love how silly and open we can be with each other, and we have great chemistry, both mentally and physically. But in the summer problems started to arise. I noticed his jealousy issues really becoming a problem. Earlier we were able to work with it but he started crossing some lines (telling me who I can't talk to, going through my phone and computer), etc. I started to pull away from him as I really began to resent him. A few weeks later I made the mistake of cheating on him. This caused us to break up for the first time and he was devastated.A bit later we started to try to work things out, but the same problems arose. I didn't cheat again but there was constant arguing about jealousy, trust, etc. One night we got in a huge argument and he hit me in the face and pushed me. We broke up again and this time, it was bad. He failed out of school, and he began going to the bar every night and involving himself with drugs and alcohol. He said some terrible things about me to his friends. I started to talk to some other guys (not with the intentions of starting a relationship, but I will admit that flirting with others made me feel a bit better). He got really angry when he found out that I was talking to another guy and one night he texted and called me with some terrible things, telling me to kill myself, calling me a whore, telling me to die in a fire, etc. Needless to say I have yet to forgive him for saying those things.The next day he apologized to me and once again, we tried to work things through. We admitted to each other how hard it was to get over the other. Within a few weeks we were dating again. This time there hasn't been any violence or harsh fighting or anything .. but I still don't feel content. I look at other guys and wonder what it would be like to be with them (dating them really, not even in a sexual way because me and my boyfriend's sex is still great). But we aren't even allowed at each other's houses because our parents don't feel we should be together, and I often wish I could just start fresh with someone else where I won't have that problem. Also, I hate knowing that the person I'm with is also the person I have a bad past with. But he talks a lot about getting our own apartment and living together and being together forever and everything... but I'm only 20 years old, so this kind of freaks me out. I love him and I love the idea of being able to be with him for that long, but I just don't know if its going to happen. I plan on going to university in fall of 13, and I know his jealousy issues will probably arise again (if not before). Basically I feel tied down and dissatisfied, but I die at the thought of breaking up with him again. We tried so hard to work things out and be better people this time around. He's stopped drinking and smoking and despite his past actions, he's really been great to me this time around.. I'd feel terrible to just have it be all for nothing. And I can only imagine what kind of bad habits he'd start to pick up again and what he'll start saying about me to everyone out of anger. But I know that these fears are not a reason to not follow my heart with what I really feel is best... I'm just also afraid that eventually, I'll regret leaving him. Like I said, he's the only person I've met in which I've gotten along with so perfectly.Any advice would be appreciated, what do I do? :|
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Pardon us , OP, personally I had been influenced by the text of your post into thinking the title was a rhetoric question. Meaning " How can I dump etc.. " = I know I should dump him, but I am not confident/ strong enough to do it ".
Apparently you mean business, instead -which is good.
Then... you just do it.
You tell him that it's not working for you, you wish him the best, and move on.
It's that simple.
If you think you may have relapses, you block him on e- mail and social numbers and phone, change your no if necessary.
From then on, you stop thinking about the " what if " and hows and whys, and purposedly focus only on what happens from now on. You turn your back to all that has consumed you, and determine to seek only for new good things, new people, new friends, new relationships, new way of thinking that can make your life fuller and happier rather than consuming it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 December 2012):
 ah the hard part.
you just do it. when i broke up with my first boyfriend when I was 17 (after 2.5 years of being together...) I said to him "we have to break OUT" it was very Freudian wasn't it?
he cried
I cried
and then we went no contact (it was easy then no cell phones and no internet)
and over time we healed.
every day it gets a bit easier.
you just have to bite the bullet and tell him that you need to end the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@so_very_confused: I said I know that they are not reasons to NOT follow my heart. As in, they are good enough.
I've already stated that I know what is right. What everyone seems to be missing is my main question (and the title of this thread): HOW can I break up with him, and how can I start to move on from someone whom has consumed me so much?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2012):
You’ve been together since July of 2011 so just over a year together at a young age…. Let’s start with that.
Now the facts:
For the last 5 out of 16 months you have been on and off . That’s nearly ONE THIRD of the time you are together it’s been ON AND OFF
His Jealousy is a problem.
He is attempting to be controlling (telling you who you can and cannot talk to, going through your phone and computer)
THEN YOU CHEATED ON HIM. (so he was jealous with good reason there was someone else or did you just go out and find some random guy and have a one night stand with a stranger)
YOU BROKE UP (so in less than a year together you cheated on him, and you guys broke up once)
HE HIT YOU (abuse)
HE PUSHED YOU (abuse)
YOU TWO broke up yet again (we have cheating, we have abuse, we have breaking up)
HE flunked out of school
He became a drug and alcohol abuser (cheating, abuse, breaking up, substance abuse)
You don’t feel content (with good reason) and your eye is already starting to wander…
YOU feel tied down and dissatisfied
You go on to say “I love him and I love the idea of being able to be with him for that long, but I just don't know if its going to happen.”
Let’s start with
“I love him” why? What is it about him you love: his lack of trust (currently justified), his abuse (never justified) his temper? His controlling behavior? His flunking out of school (had he a job or has he gone back to school), his drug or alcohol abuse?
Do you really love the idea of being with a man forever who
Does not trust you
Abuses you
Has anger management issues.
YOU then said: “But I know that these fears are not a reason to not follow my heart with what I really feel is best...”
So being afraid of being abused mentally emotionally and physically are not reasons to leave a man? Oh yes they are.
You will meet more people and different people. DO not stay with him because of “what ifs”
DO not stay with him out of guilt or fear
You will NEVER regret leaving an abusive man.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 December 2012):
 You write: "...he's the only person I've met in which I've gotten along with so perfectly..."
BUT, most of your submittal is a saga of drama and angst between the two of you. Is THAT really how things are between two people who "get along so perfectly"?????
Try to step back from your heart-strings.... re-read your submittal... and see if you aren't better putting this "relationship" behind you and 1. Being by yourself (single) for a while... and, 2. Making sure that you don't take up with a similar guy, in the future....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 December 2012):
OP, I mean, seriously.
Lack of trust and control issues ( albeit, I regret to say, apparently totally justified, since you ended up cheating on him ) , cheating , and cheating urges. Verbal and physical abuse !, that's serious, it's not just " one of those things ", - drugs and alcohol. On and off all the time.
This is not a relationship, it's a train wreck ! If you want to stay with him because you can be silly around him, well, no offence , but, apparently you can be silly anyway, with or without his help.
What he does with his life is none of your responsibility, although I understand that you may be concerned and feel bad for him. But you have first and foremost a duty to yourself,- which is to stay away from toxic, dysfunctional relationships, and learn either to make better choices , or to stay single with dignity.
As for the " time and effort " wasted - you are only 20, OP. Real life starts today, before it was all just warm up.
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