A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've had trust issues for a very long time, from a very young age i can remember being reluctant to trust anyone i didn't know very well. when i was 10 my father left but continued to visit me, then after he got a new house i visited him for the whole weekend. he used me against my mother for years, it was all very petty behavior and i was too young to realize it until i was older. he remarried not long after the divorce. whenever i would visit him, he would say something bad about my mother and both he and my stepmother would try to get me on their side. my stepmother had a tendency to drink too much and when i was 15, there was one night when we were talking and she started talking about my mother having a hard life because she was an adopted child. when i asked her what the hell she was talking about, she just looked surprised and went to go to bed without another word. i'd always love my maternal grandfather and aunts the same no matter what, but just thinking they may have kept this secret from me really hurts and makes me wonder what else they've "forgotten" to tell me. my mother's side of the family constantly "omits" important things that i hear about anyway, but usually in the most hurtful way possible. i didn't find out my grandmother had cancer until she had to go to the hospital, and passed away soon after that. i was 11 at the time and not prepared for it at all. when two of my aunts had cancer, no one told me. i found out by overhearing them talking about it right in front of me.in addition to this i was constantly teased and abused by my classmates, in middle school i had no friends in my year and in high school, the new friends i made stopped talking to me. i had severe medical issues at the time and missed a lot of school, sometimes one or two weeks at a time, which made me a target and alienated me from everyone. i was nice to everyone, even if they were mean to me, but no matter what i did i'd be teased relentlessly. they often acted nice only to make a joke of something i did or said later, several times boys would ask me out with a completely serious expression and if i ever said yes, they'd just start laughing at me and run back to their friends. i've been lied to and taken advantage of so many times that i tend to assume people are lying to me all the time, even though i logically know this isn't true. now that i'm older i've realized what a problem this is when it comes to not only friends and finding work, but also dating. i've only had two boyfriends in my entire life and both relationships lasted seven months. i find it difficult to open up to new people in general, but going out on dates makes it even more complicated. right now the only friends i really trust are my two best friends, who have both stuck by me for years.in spite of this i've tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it just never works. in my last relationship my ex confirmed three of my biggest fears: to be lied to when told 'i love you', to be pressured into sex and then left because i wasn't ready, and to be left for someone else. he insisted it wasn't about sex and that there were other reasons, but it was so sudden and i later found out he started dating a well known slut not even a month later. it made me feel so low, like i meant absolutely nothing and that he was only with me for one thing, and was only saying he loved me and wanted to get married and have kids one day just to get into my pants. how messed up is that? i'm still getting over what he had done, especially because i didn't find out about all of that until later from someone we were both friends with!anyway, because of all of these things i can't help but be very cautious. i've learned to read people be very perceptive, so most of the time i can tell if someone's not being honest, but some people are just so good at it. my ex was, i believed a lot of things he said and regret not being wiser.my question is this: how can i learn to be more trusting and open up to people? i'm often told i come of as cold and standoffish, but even when i try not to, i still do. it just feels awkward to let my guard down a lot. i'm fully aware it's a learned defense behavior but i'm afraid that from doing it and putting up this untouchable hard to read front for so long, that i won't be able to take it down when i want to. please help!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Find a self help group for people with similar issues. Most SHGs are facilitated by a counselor or therapist ;
SHGs are often free or available for a nominal fee, and anyway less expensive than traditional one on one therapy .
Check your local resources, ( yellow pages, library, churches...), search on line, or contact the Psychology Dept. of your closest College for a list of SHGs active in your area.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can't afford a therapist which is why came here looking for help.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Well you've certainly had some hard knocks. I think that maybe some REAL therapy and advice from a professional is called for here. He/she will help you to relax around other people and let your inner beauty shine through. Really, if I were you, I'd do a little research, find a therapist and make an appointment. Good luck Honey. Coming here was your first step, now take the next one.
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