A
female
age
41-50,
*uppylove
writes:Hi,Basically I need some advice regarding my current relationship, or more precisely how I can change my behaviour/outlook so that I dont ruin it.Ive been seeing my current man, Sam since January. At first it was very casual, meeting up once perhaps twice a week for drinks, cinema, movies at his etc. I was happy with this, so was he. The past few months however have become more intense - we see each other more, are more lovey dovey with one another (although neither of us have said 'I love you') and Ive even met his two children (aged 8 and 13 - he was married some years ago) which I thought was great. I was so happy when he asked whether I wanted to meet them as he's always talking about them and it made me feel like things were getting that bit more serious.We discuss the near future a lot, him mentioning my name in plans and he's even said how he'd like us to go away next year together. Everything is great, he's kind, funny, considerate - just a great guy and I feel truely lucky to be with him.Heres my problem: Im insecure. Due to past relationships where Ive been so unlucky in love, having worn my heart on my sleeve and then having it trampled on has seriously damaged my overall trust in men. Ive nothing to mistrust Sam about, he has never done anything to make me stop and think that I shouldnt trust him. My main issue is trusting him to not leave me.Our relationship has reached the point (for me anyway) where Im now petrified that he's soon to get bored and will finish with me. This is causing no end of problems - for me mainly at the moment but sooner or later it will effect him to the point where it will ruin our relationship. Ive already got moody over this, this weekend just gone. We tend to spend every other weekend together (him staying at mine as he's staying with his parents whilst he saves some money) and we try and do things together, take a walk, go into town, get lunch, play tennis etc. Well, this weekend we spent together I kept slipping in and out of moods because of really silly reasons. What would have never bothered me 3 months ago is now causing me grief. For example, if we are walking down the street and he doesnt grab my hand to hold, I wonder why? he's more often than not taken it to hold in the past so whats changed?? This then sends a whole load of questions flowing through my brain like, whats happened? what have i done? is he going off me? will I get the dear john talk tonight? You see, how stupid is that?? I know Im doing it, thats the problem. I then proceed to get moody and withdrawn which makes him wonder whats wrong with me. I continually ask him if he's okay (he does it with me but he always has and i think he really just wants to know if I am!) but with me, Im asking him if things are okay, more specifically 'whats wrong?!'This is beginning to worry me so much now. Ive done this probably in every relationship in the past and they've all ended prematurely - im sure because of my insecurites.Another example: Im not working at the moment, I have a job but dont start for a short while yet. Of course Im stuck at home bored senseless and this makes my mind work overtime! Ill email him at work, he'll answer but obviously being at work and being busier than me (!) will reply with a short message and only one kiss...ill analyse this into 'theres something wrong'....what have i done? he's put 2 or more kisses in the past, why not now? he's going to end it with me....I think you've got the general gist of where im coming from and what my problem is, please can someone help with some advice?? I know im doing it thats the problem. I dont want to ruin this as I seriously think we have a future and he is someone I could love a lot. I care so much about him and I know he wouldnt be with me unless he wanted to be but my train of thought really has to change otherwise Ill muck it all up again!Heres hoping you can helpYuppylove x x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): You are exactly the same as me! I may have already cocked up my relationship 2 days ago mainly because of insecurities. Looked at his mobile and saw some texts I see as inappropriate when you are in a relationship with someone for over 18months - he says they are innocent,but angry & won't explain them, but can't cope with my mistrust!! Am I being gullible trying to believe him and make things work? I really love him. I have just started self help cognitive behaviour therapy so am hoping that will work, for me in future life, even if this relationship is over.
Give it a try :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Forgive yourself. Look at the bright side, you are aware that you are insecure and so you can start working on that. Everyone has insecurities, even the most beautiful person I know has insecurities. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Work on getting yourself better. Focus on yourself and not so much on the relationship. Do things that will help you become a better person, like what others have suggested find a hobby, something that will keep you busy and stop obsessing about life and your relationship with this man. He will be yours forever if you take care of yourself more. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): Read 'Women Who Think too Much' and 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway'. Also instead of focusiing on what he is doing, or not doing, focus on asking yourself why are you feeling as you do at any givn moment_e.g. when he doesn't hold your hand). You say you know you are basing a lot of this on past experience so when you notice your feelings try and 'harness' the feeling, rein it in and have a good look at it. Analyse by all means, but privately in a journal or in your own head. I can say this because I've been there and am glad to say I'm still with my bloke five years on. It took a lot of hard work on my part and patience on his. You can do it!
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A
male
reader, Sphronas  +, writes (24 August 2009):
 While you wait for your job to start, find something to do during the day. If you stay at home brooding over your insecurities all day, you will ruin this great relationship that seems to be developing. Perhaps you can volunteer your time to some community service or similar organization. This will keep you busy and it will give you something to distract you from your destructive thoughts (and something to talk about with your man when you see each other in the evening or on weekends).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Concentrate on the things outside of your relationship that make you happy- hobbies, work, socialising, whatever you like doing. This way it'll take your mind off your worries and you'll have fun as well.
At the moment you're worrying way too much. And I don't want to be harsh but it will cause problems if you don't make some changes to yourself. So get out there and do all those things that make you happy outside of the relationship. And if there aren't that many things then start doing some new things. - Take up a new hobby, get a saturday job whatever.
But trust me look outside of the relationship for things to do etc, (don't ignore your fella obviously) it will make a difference.
Good luck :)
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