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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I plan on quitting pornography after using it twice a day since I was 15. Now, 4 years later, I feel like it is holding me back. I've only had one girlfriend and felt guilty using it and tried to quit it, but wasn't successful after relapsing too often. I want to quit because I've heard that quitting would somehow make me better with women. I feel like I have a lot to offer, judging by how my ex loved me for 2 yrs. but I have been rejected too often to have confidence in myself. I'm also a virgin and I feel like watching porn is making me envious of the guys in the videos. How do you all think I should go about this? Should I stop masturbating completely, or just stop using porn? Where is the line? Can it help me get better with women?Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrymsoul, I understand what you are saying but that is probably your confidence doing the work, something I lack greatly.
CindyCares, I know that it can be debilitating but how can quitting make those vibes go away? Also how can stopping make me better at sex, when I'm a virgin? I probably am terrible at it more than so many others. Every once in a while I feel lonely after its usage too.
Person12345, I think I've been insecure about my body before my porn usage, it just makes it worse at times. I want a relationship but getting laid wouldn't be bad since I'm so inexperienced that it is making me even more insecure. How would I magically become more attractive if I quit completely? Thanks for the links.
So after 2 days of pledging to quit, I'm getting urges whenever I'm near a computer, but then replace it with other things. working out/studying. Hope it works.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 How could porn help you get better with women? Nothing it teaches is real. It teaches men how to be bad in bed and to be insecure in their own bodies. Most of the men in it are hung like donkeys, the average penis size is 5-6 inches AND most women find a penis that large painful. Never mind the fact that the majority of the women hate porn in their relationships. Not using porn is definitely an attractive quality for a lot of women. Just check out how many questions on here are from women whose relationships are falling apart from porn use: http://www.dearcupid.org/category/pornography Porn can have a lot of negative impacts on your sex life including making it harder to be turned on by real women, feeling sex-starved and horny more often (it's been shown multiple times that using porn more often causes you to overestimate your own sex drive, to feel less satisfied with your own sex life, and makes you more likely to become habitual in your masturbation), and can make some men impotent.
As proof you only need to read two key parts of one of the defensive answers here. First that porn helps them be less interested in the real, live woman they are meeting. Second is that porn has become so central to their sexuality that masturbation and pornography have become synonymous, meaning that in an attempt to defend pornography they have only defended masturbation as though their own personal sexuality is the same as a corporate product. If you're trying to get laid, by all means learn to become uninterested in real women. But if you want to get into a relationship, this technique is almost certainly going to backfire.
Unless you feel like you are excessively masturbating, there is no reason to quit doing that. Masturbation is healthy (in moderation). But porn is a drug. Like any other drug it has the power to become addictive and leaves a wake of abuse and slavery from it's creation. There's no way of knowing where your porn comes from. Even a lot of free "amateur porn" is produced by the large studios. In fact free "amateur porn" drove up profits for them by 300% in 2008. Even if only one in 50 videos has a woman who is a sex slave, that means that every so often when you watch you are watching and enjoying someone actually getting raped. Even the women doing it out of financial pressure, whether or not that can be called consensual is a gray area. Many of the conditions for the rest of the actresses are unsafe, with next to no condoms being used, sex toys not being cleaned between people, and even fecal matter from anal sex being on things that go in the actresses mouths sometimes. Of course not all porn was produced in abusive settings, but a lot of it was and you have no way of knowing.
The yourbrainonporn site is great. I will link a few more as well since more reading is always better than less:
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
http://antipornfeminists.wordpress.com/whats-wrong-with-pornography/
http://www.socialcostsofpornography.com/Bridges_Pornographys_Effect_on_Interpersonal_Relationships.pdf
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/07/porn-addicts-ten-tips-and-advice.html
http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2007/04/porn-and-intimacy.html
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Sigh. I'm sorry I didn't read the link, Yos. I don't feel that it has affected my sex life negatively at all. When I do have sex, it is great for both her and I. I also don't feel any kind of damage due to masturbation. It is healthy to masturbate when the feeling arrises.
Cindy Cares, what I was really getting at was that when I choose to masturbate, I seem to come off as a person who isn't sex starved to women. I satisfy myself reguraly so when I do meet women, I can keep a level head. I don't really expect you to take my word for it but in my experience, I find that I attract more women when I'm NOT noticing them. I can't count how many times a woman has asked me why do I keep ignoring her, when in actuallity, I don't. They tend to chase me instead of me chasing them. I'm not playing hard to get or anything, I'm just more focused on my goals instead of what is between a girl's legs. There's been confirmation that there are girls who thinks that's hot about a guy. I'm still a guy, however, so when the oppurtunity arises, I will have sex. But if that isn't an option then I'll masturbate.
I do go out. I go to a university and I work out at a gym. I also go out with a couple buddies of mine. Let's face it, women tend to want you to spend money or show some type of devotion to them before you can proceed to the next level. I can do this. I just don't do it as much as the next guy would. I use that free time to better off myself instead. I'm becoming an assistant manager in my store and I'm sure it's a feat I probably wouldn't have beaten if I was busy out chasing skirts. Masturbation has helped me satisfy myself so that I can focus on stuff that improves my life
It's all about perspective. It's an addiction if you think it is, OP. I don't however consider mines to be. It's a myth that women can spot a wanker from a mile away. That kind of perseptiveness doesn't exist. Just like a guy can't see a female masturbater just by looking at her. I've attracted women in all of my self-pleasuring days. Granted, many of which I had no attraction to, but still quite a few that I considered beautiful. It's all in the mind. If you think it's holding you back, then it will. If someone tells you it is, then you might believe them. If you are strong willed and believe what your heart tells you to believe then you will succeed in what you want to accomplish.
I don't need an article to tell me what to believe about myself. I know what I'm capable of. You too OP, should know what you're capable of as well. If you think masturbation is an addiction to you, quit doing it so often and try the dating scene once again. Please come back in a few days to weeks and tell us if your luck with the women have changed. I hope that you are able to fix your problem.
For me, it isn't one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): I use to not really care that my boyfriend watches porn, considering he is faraway at college I thought it would keep his hormones under control, so there would be less chance of him having an urge to cheat on me. So I was fine with it, even when he is home I don't care if he uses porn, I thought every guy does. one thing that does bug me is, what does he think about when he's trying to orgasm when he's with me? Is he thinking about porn...other girls? Also, what does he think about while he's masturbating? porn..other girls..does he ever think of me? Such an unsettling thought. after reading some of that article though, I'm even more uncomfortable about it. all that asides, occasional porn use is fine in my eyes. masturbation is fine, "sex can wait, masturbate". masturbating is better than sleeping with lots of women. Just don't let it control your life. Maybe you should take a break from porn and try to just use your imagination for a little while. I know, I contradicted myself. I just had a little rant I wanted to get out.Good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 @grymsoul : so, apparently you agree with Karl Kraus ( Austrian writer ) : " Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation . But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work ". :)
Personally, I find your line of reasoning a bit bizarre. I mean, it all depends from your final objective. If your goal is saving money, or having a solitary sexual release, then you are on the right track. But if your goal is to have a rich, fulfilling , complete sex life with another human being, well, ....
It's a bit as if you were saying : I never travel. I refuse to leave my living room. In this way I am saving a bundle, my luggage never gets lost, and I am not risking an airplane crash or train wreck. - Undeniable, but also... you never get to see Rome or Paris or the Grand canyon, or any other place you may wish visiting .
I tend to agree with the OP instead. An addiction is an addiction, whether it is porn ,drugs or peanut butter. When you have control over the things you may chose to add occasionally to your life, you use them . When you don't have this control anymore, THEY use you- and it's not a pleasant, enjoyable position to be in.
For any addiction, when sheer will power is not enough, there is only a way ,I think : seeking professional, specialized help .
As for an addiction to masturbation ( with or without porn ) holding you back with women, ....well a wanker is a wanker and some women ( including yours truly ) can spot one from a 100 yards distance, maybe it's the vibes, ... the body language... and it's not particularly appealing. Au contraire . Of course, we are talking about a compulsive, addictive behaviour here. Everything in moderation- I would not dream of criticizing masturbation per se, which is healthy, normal and nothing to write home about.
a porn addiction will also hold you back in practice, when you do establish a sexual relationship. It is sadly very easy to spot young men that learned all or most of what they are supposed to know about sex from porn. Simply,... they are doing it wrong. And I don't only mean like they are missing the finer softer nuances of emotional connection , intimacy, tenderness,,, oh no. They are technically doing it wrong. Wrong speed, wrong thrusts, wrong touch, wrong sound effects.... it's like someone learning English from a cockney dockyard worker- the language may be the same, but the accent is all wrong.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (8 October 2012):
Look, porn and masturbation are really two different things. Porn is an aid to masturbation. Porn can help you get off faster, more easily. It's kind of like a sugar rush. It's like, you out late at night, you're kinda hungry. You could go to a decent restauant, or you could go the McDonalds drive thru.The thing with dating women is that they can smell desperation. If you're desperate, you're hooped. Ain't gonna happen. If you've jerked off enough, you're not telegraphing desperate. If it's fantasies, if it's porn, whatever, as long as you don't smell desperate then you have a chance. If you manage a dating situation, well, that's completely different. Once you've got a girl interested, then by all means ditch the porn. If you're in a situation where sex is in the cards, she should be the only thing on your mind. OK, maybe you need to jerk off from time to time if she's not around. But if you're in a relationship where sex is in the cards, then porn shouldn't be part of the equation. Instead, you should be using your energy to make her want to have sex with you. You're horny, you want her. Use that energy to make her want you. Don't dissipate it with the sugar rush of porn.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I have to strongly disagree with grymsoul. Porn has a range of negative effects on your 'real' sex life, and can end up causing lots of damage.
This site has everything you need to know:
http://yourbrainonporn.com
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (8 October 2012):
On the contrary good sir. You are looking at porn from the wrong perpective. I find that masturbating to porn HELPS me with the women. I know, I know, sounds crazy, right? Hear me out.
When I masturbate to porn, I find that I have more time for everything else. More studying, more working out, more free time. I find that I can still enjoy a sexual release without devoting vast amounts of time and emotions into a relationship. I can still get the relief of a primal sensation without sinking money into dates, trips, etc just to get into her pants. Blunt, I know, but let's face it, this is the goal of most men.
ALSO, there's something about a guy who has his shit together and doesn't chase women that makes his attractive to the ladies. I've found that when I masturbate, I have less of an urge to court women. This in turn makes them curious about me and want to know more of why I'm not like all of the guys who are puddy in thier hands.
Example: I work with a very attractiuve young lady. She has most of the guys complimenting her and wanting her number. I, on the other hand, ignore her like a plague. She constantly says hi to me but I only return the greeting and walk away. After a few weeks of this, I got closer to her than I've seen any guy at the work place has. She said hi to me last week, I said hi back. She held out her hand as a gesture for me to take it in hers. I did but when she tried to release our grasp, I pulled her into a side hug, for a good three seconds she rested her head on my chest. We parted ways but not before she looked back at me smiling.
It's all about perpective, my lad.
lol, I accidently pressed the submit key. Big fingers, little phone.
Anyway, I'll finish up. You can look at porn as something that limits your success with women, or you can look at it as something that frees up time, money and that nagging sensation that propels you into seeming desperate with women.
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male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (8 October 2012):
On the contrary good sir. You are looking at porn from the wrong perpective. I find that masturbating to porn HELPS me with the women. I know, I know, sounds crazy, right? Hear me out.
When I masturbate to porn, I find that I have more time for everything else. More studying, more working out, more free time. I find that I can still enjoy a sexual release without devoting vast amounts of time and emotions into a relationship. I can still get the relief of a primal sensation without sinking money into dates, trips, etc just to get into her pants. Blunt, I know, but let's face it, this is the goal of most men.
ALSO, there's something about a guy who has his shit together and doesn't chase women that makes his attractive to the ladies. I've found that when I masturbate, I have less of an urge to court women. This in turn makes them curious about me and want to know more of why I'm not like all of the guys who are puddy in thier hands.
Example: I work with a very attractiuve young lady. She has most of the guys complimenting her and wanting her number. I, on the other hand, ignore her like a plague. She constantly says hi to me but I only return the greeting and walk away. After a few weeks of this, I got closer to her than I've seen any guy at the work place has. She said hi to me last week, I said hi back. She held out her hand as a gesture for me to take it in hers. I did but when she tried to release our grasp, I pulled her into a side hug, for a good three seconds she rested her head on my chest. We parted ways but not before she looked back at me smiling.
It's all about perpective, my lad. Y
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