A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is becoming increasingly worried about our sex lives, we have been together for a bit now and when we do have sex i cant seem to orgasm, this is not just effecting her its effecting me, She sees it as i dont love her or find her attractive but its the complete opposite.She is the best person and most attractive girl i've ever known, she doesnt believe me although ive told her many times because she still says if you did then you would be able to orgasm, It feels amazing when we are having sex, Its getting to me because i cant fulfill what she wants and i know its my fault. I can reach orgasm when i masterbate easily its just when im with her.Any help will be appreciated alot!
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male
reader, moomoomoo  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 if what you mean by cant orgasm is cant ejaculate and your erection never goes away, GAWD UR LUCKY! lol
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 February 2007):
 Oh dear, she's being so unfair to you saying that to you that you can't love her! That would put immense pressure on you. You make love to her, you start to think about your orgasm, what she said, you want to prove her wrong, you worry because it's not happening etc etc, a vicious circle. No wonder you're finding it difficult.
Anxiety and stress are the only thing causing you not to have an orgasm, nothing more. Talk to her when you're in bed together before you make love, ask her what she likes and tell her what you like. This can really bond you closer together and it can be very arousing too. Ask her to give you oral sex. Stimulating your penis in this way might do the trick.
Trying the following may be helpful. When you are intimate with your girlfriend, explore one another's bodies, expressing to one another how you like to be stroked, rubbed, caressed, etc. Build sexual arousal leading up to intercourse. Try to be present, in the moment, and focus on each and every sensation rather than think about orgasm. Using water-based lube can help heighten sensations. Sometimes it can be helpful to fantasize. If you lose your erection, you can often get it back with touching and talking. If you become hard again, ease into sex when both of you are ready. Rather than tell yourself, "I must cum," tell yourself that you have all the time in the world to enjoy all this pleasure. Then relax into the pleasure. This is not a homework assignment but is all about teaching your body to respond to a new sensation or situation. This takes time and practice, and people can make changes. If you are unable to get your erection back, then take a break for a while or try again at another time. Practice with this technique several times for a while, each time taking it a little farther.
Just don't focus on the orgasm, focus on the pleasure you're giving to her and the pleasure she's giving you. Just let your inhibitions go and enjoy!
Eve
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise +, writes (6 February 2007):
 How tightly do you hold yourself when you masturbate? I ask this because many males who have had the problem who are having hold themselves very tightly, and obviously when in a girl it isn't this tight. If this is what you do, then you have to practice masturbating with a very loose grip, getting looser and looser until slight sensations can get you to cum and not just a very tight grip. She can also tighten herself by doing crugle exercises (which is when she's peeing, if she stops in the middle of it, that is the muscle that she needs to practice clenching and unclenching a little everyday). Also, if you guys use condoms, perhaps the comdom is preventing enough stimulation. Try using different types and brands of condoms to see if ultra thin, or diffrent pleasure ones work better.Another thing that could be happening is that you are feeling stressed and pressured and thus having proformence anxiety since you know how badly she wants you to cum. Also, are you perhaps enjoying yourself so much that you keep stopping yourself from cumming? Just try to relax and concentrate on the pleasure, feeling it build up (close your eyes if it helps). Trying diffrent positions could also help a lot, and don't forget to change speeds now and then. If you need to, after she cums, masturbate and then as you are about to burst, go back in her finishing yourself that way. Or if she doesnt mind, perhaps she can give you oral. some other things that could be effecting you is if you are on certain medications. I know i had a b/f who was on some depression meds and it made all sensations basically numb and he couldn't cum either. So if you are on any meds, read up (online or ask a doctor) what some possable side effects could be, so if you need to you could change perscriptions.though its very hard, try not to feel too pressured or stressed out, because prformance anxiety does make things worse. i hope this was helpful, and best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): Well, one thing comes to mind, stop masturbating all together, and if you stop having orgasms that way, then eventually you will orgasm when you have sex with her. Ask her to tighten her muscles around you if she is not doing that already....and try to relax, don't keep thinking about orgasm as the goal of sex, for most men it is, but it doesn't have to be....Have fun!
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A
female
reader, Listening Laura +, writes (6 February 2007):
You need to chill out when you are with, do not fret over having sex with, just let it happen. Stressing yourself out will only make it worse, and least likely for you to be able to orgasm.Maybe she isn't giving you the proper build up before the orgasm? Talk to her about it, i bet she'll understand if she knows how worried you are about the problem. This way she'll know that you truly care about her, rather than think about your problem all the time.
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