A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've tried my best to save my marriage of 22 years but failed. We finally diovrced. I've met this man 18 years my senior, he is very supportive during my divorce. We've been together for a year now. We gets on well and our love is growing. Im happy when I am with him. But when Im on my own I just cant get myself even out of bed sometimes. I still miss the good time I had with my husband. It's still upset me when Im thinking about it. I've never tell my new man cuz it's not fair on him. How do I put all this behind my mind? Please advise.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Sweetheart although I was not married I was with my ex for almost 20 years and they do say that every relationship has a period of grieving.
It doesn't matter whether there was awful things said at the time of a breakup for resentment for your partners actions, believe me been there and done that. But the truth of the matter is that it is like grieving the loss of a loved one as though someone has died and although that is not the case you are only remembering the rosey happy times.
You are depressed sweetheart and the fact that you don't want to get out of bed sometimes is normally a good sympton of that.
I lost my dad last February and I had split with my ex 18 months prior to that and they he moved back into our jointly owned home 9 days before my dad died, so in a sense was here for me as I thought to give me moral support but over the last year it was hell and my 7 yr old daughter heard the tension and arguments and my ex then left a month ago to move into a new place. He has been hell sometimes but is helping me now in all sorts of little ways.
What I am trying to say is that with the loss of my dad and the tension beforehand I did go and see my doctor and yes I am on anti depressants now, no I don't think I am losing my mind, far from it and don't feel that you are too. I would say go and see your doctor though and tell him or her what you are experiencing as you may need some help even for sleeping at night and these can be non addictive tablets purely for night time which is what I am on or you can get tablets which are not anti depressants but they allow you to switch off your brain at night and again are non addictive.
Don't struggle on your own and perhaps consider some counselling, you can visit Relate on your own and also if you are able financially maybe a little one on one counselling can help. Our confidence takes a knock when we split with someone we thought we might spend the rest of our lives with and believe me it does give you an incredible inner strength to deal with any hard times ahead. It helped me no end to deal with all the legal jargon after my dad died and helped me to support my mum and sister.
Don't think you are ever on your own OK, we are all here to help.
This process though is normal and so are you OK.
BFN and lots of love.
Country Woman
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Hello. My partner is going through the same thing as you. He was with his wife for 24 years. He didn't want to be in the marriage but he has been going through bereavement. You remember the good times as well as the bad. The loss of your family is a big thing. I had a kind of breakdown when my marriage ended even though I did not want to be with my husband. I greived for the loss of a proper family for my small son and for the failure. This helped me enormously when it came to dealing with my partner's current distress. But not all the time. I would challenge anyone not to take it personally sometimes. It has been a matter of grit teeth and wait for the next good moment. Waves of sadness crash over but they make the happiness that your partner gives even more important. You can't avoid this time, and should maybe not try because it is part of your healing. It supposedly takes a month for every year of the marriage, about. So go with it, your burden will lighten.
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