A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I was with a younger guy (12 years diff) for a year. It ended messy and we no longer keep in contact. My problem is I can't get over him and still love him so very much. I feel constant pain and hurt and would just do anything to talk or see him again. I havn't contacted him but yes I have been close to texting. Any advice how I can move on?? I have tried everything from exercise to going out with friends to even dating guys and all I think about is him everywhere/every second of the day he is in my thoughts.Thanks for you opinions.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Time should heal this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Thank you so much for your awesome advice and taken them on board. Wiseowl very useful information and most of what you have said has been right. I have lost my self confidence and don't feel good enough for anybody. I feel a failure in every area of my life right now and my heart just feels broken. It has been 10 months since I spoke or saw him and I need to delete him from my thoughts and learn to be happy again and enjoy life. I moved interstate for some reason thought that would help but I was silly to think that would solve my problem. Anyway thank you so much to you both and today is a new day to plan a different approach and get my life on track ;).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Maybe it's time to seek the help of a professional to help you overcome the grief for your loss. You're refusing to let go. You don't have to say how long ago it was. The point is, you haven't reached the stage of acceptance.
Try it cold-turkey first. You're mature enough to have gone through all this before. You're not a teenager. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
You say you've exercised, gone out with friends, and dated other guys?
What you mean is, you went through the motions of going out with friends, rarely went to the gym with any commitment, and maybe went out on a date or two.
If you did any of those things with any true fervor or determination; they would have kept you pretty well distracted. The truth is, you really didn't.
It's okay. I understand why.
Your every waking moment is spent ruminating over him. Obsessing about him, and dying to contact him.
You are refusing to allow your mind to readjust itself to the breakup; in order for the detachment process to take place. It begins the day you decide; okay, that's it! I'm done!!! I'm ready to move on.
You are still agonizing through withdrawal. Your love-drug supply is cutoff, and you need a fix. You're addicted to the guy. You're convinced it's love. Love is absent now.
There is nothing to feed it to keep it alive.
It's your own infatuated-obsession; if he's not reciprocating in any way. It ended messy. So you're also emotionally traumatized, and healing can't begin. You keep ripping off the scab. Angered by rejection, a damaged ego,
and your pride is destroyed. You're humiliated. You need him around to validate you.
You're agonizing; mainly because you placed far too much of your self-worth into the success of the relationship. It failed. You over-romanticize what love really is. You didn't reserve any love for yourself. You have to have love for yourself. It's what we survive on during the healing process.
Always keep self-love and a little extra on reserve. It is what we've horded for ourselves; in order to reconnect with family and friends we neglected when we're so absorbed into being a couple. Now your feelings are raw! Like scraped knuckles! With nothing to fall back on. You used your friends only to prop you up. You don't even appreciate it.
You just take it for granted.
I needed mine and they were there for me. I give them credit for helping me heal. My family? Oh, what would I have done without them? If it didn't help, you don't appreciate their value.
Go back to taking care of yourself. It just takes time for it to actually take effect, and to feel the benefits.
It has to work itself into your system, in order to work him out.
Now you feel you can't exist without him. It was a big gamble to start with. You knew that. Continue hanging out with friends. Keep two journals. Write the days you feel better and what you did, in one. If you have a bad day, write about it in a separate journal. Explain your pain.
Then reconnect with people in your family you've been separated from for a long-time. Either by distance, or because you were inconsiderate. Renew your feelings for them. That will fill a void. Don't sit around telling yourself what will not work. You're just handing over all your power to heal and move on to him. If you haven't heard from him, that's because he's doing just fine.
Take getting yourself back, and recovery, a day at a time. It takes strength, determination, and resilience to comeback from all this. Healing-time varies from one person to the next. Some heal in weeks, others may take way longer.
It doesn't start until you decide you want to; and do everything and anything possible, to make it so.
Give it time. We want instant-gratification, and to heal over-night. It's not meant to be that easy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 you dated him for a year and it broke up badly... you don't say how long it's been since you broke up but if it's been a short period of time, then time helps heal.
If it's been a long time, then you may need some professional guidance on how to work past this.
For me, I always allowed myself 6 full weeks of unrestrained mourning... no working out, no makeup, writing long long letters to him that I NEVER SEND, eating what I want... obsessing over him with trusted girlfriends who know all the right things to say and do...
after 6 weeks of full mourning I move on... back to the real world...
oh and you can gauge getting better this way:
when you wake up is he the first thing you think about?
yes... still healing fully...
NO.... GOOD... making progress
so then you realize that you don't think about him till you brush your teeth or go to the bathroom..
then one day you don't think about him till you are in the car driving to work..
then one day you dont' think about him till lunch
etc...
until ONE day months down the road you will get into bed and think of him and realize that you have not thought about him all day.... then you know your pretty much healed... it can take a while...
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