A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok quick question that needs some honest answers .... If a woman is with a man and he is often commenting in women he thinks are attractive and every single one of those seem like a similar type which happens to be nothing like her ... Does she have any need to be concerned For example if the woman is say a curvy brunette and the man is constantly watching and commenting on thin blondes wifh a particular look and never seems to consider any other type of look pretty or attractive .. Should ahe be worried that perhaps he is only involved With her becuase of personality and may get bored because she is not the whole deal for him ie looks plus personality ?Opinions aunts ...I know people will say that he must find me attactive to be with me but It's very hard to reconcile this in my mind that my bf seems oblivious to the prettiness of any other woman except the ones who for this mould ... Especially when I know fully well that I don't Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 We men like different kind of women.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): This isn't about OP being insecure. It's about a grown man not knowing how to be respectful.I do not gush over ever hot guy I see in the streets, TV or movie theater. My husband was not my type (physically) when we met, it was his personality, humor and wit that drew me in and made me stay. Everyone has a type. It doesn't mean that you have to constantly point out to your partner that this or that person is your type or OMG so hot.If he was in his teens I could perhaps understand this and hope that he would learn to not be a numb-skull. If anything OP, I think you are settling, not your BF.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): I disagree with Old Wise Owl, I think the OP's issue is not about her insecurities, it's about her man's inability to appreciate HER enough. I know the type of man, rubbernecking, going "ooh", or "wow" all the time over other women and then you show up in the bedroom in a brand new basque and stockings with heels and he's not interested.. ok maybe taking it a bit too far, but reading between the lines I'd say OP's man is a more than a little insensitive and she just wants his attention instead of him leaking his sexual energy all over the place.
There's a huge difference between noticing someone versus exclaiming you've noticed someone good-looking and rubbing your partner's nose in it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): You've never looked at a man with very handsome physical traits or features your boyfriend doesn't have, and found them attractive?
If you say no, you're a liar like hundreds times thousands of other females.
Do you not have certain physical-criteria imprinted in your mind that you like in a man; but you are willing to compromise or exchange for more important qualities?
For the sake of love? Men can do that too!
The heart sees beneath the surface!!!!!!! Women can overlook certain physical flaws and still hold attraction.
Men are capable of doing the same thing. Yes, we can discriminate and actually be attracted to women who do not hold imaginary-qualities; or exceptional beauty traits.
Surprised?
Men are visual creatures. We have fantasy-people embedded in our brains that have unusual and extraordinary features or physical traits that people we actually LOVE may not have. We know where fantasy ends, and reality begins.
We are not responsible for body-dysmorphic issues some women have implanted in their own brains. We are not blind and immune to other attractive-people; because we wear a wedding ring or belong in a committed relationship.
We are not to blame; nor have any responsibility, to constantly reassure you of your self-inflicted insecurities. Those are yours to deal with exclusively.
We must deal with our own.
As men, we have a moral-obligation in a committed relationship to sincerely compliment our mates for their wonderful traits that drew us to them. We do have some responsibility to make you feel good about yourself.
Not when you can't do it on your own. That's a personal-problem. So fix it.
Even men need to be reminded we are attractive and still turn you on. Women tend to believe it's all about them and their feelings. They selfishly neglect ours, all wrapped up in themselves. Pointing fingers, placing blame, calling us names, and playing victim. It goes two ways!
They are never happy with blessings given by nature. Always comparing themselves to prettier women. In some convoluted way that's all the fault of men. Stop your whining and complaining. Go find a man who doesn't have his flaws, quirks, or imperfections. Don't use "love" as a convenient excuse; if you're settling for it, or voluntarily putting up with it. You have two feet, and can walk out that door.
If you voluntarily surrender your power; that is also a form of "self-defeat."
Strong women don't have that problem. I know a lot them.
I'm not making it up.
If you don't know your own self-worth, do not realize your own potential, and need a man to give it to you. That means there is some self-improvement work to do. Men do not have to take responsibility for that; nor do we have to allow ourselves to be punished for it. Pile on and attack me for telling truth. We have to take some responsibility and stop always looking for someone else to blame for our own shortcomings. Stand-up for yourself; or get rid of the thorn in your side.
Both men and women need someone who shows them respect and love. Who treats them with kindness, supports them, and cherishes their presence and contributions within the relationship or marriage.
That does not mean he must give up his eyes. Stifle his dreams, or get a lobotomy in order to prove he has no attraction for but one single solitary female on the planet. Attraction is one thing, love is entirely another.
You can have love someone who isn't physically perfect, and no feeling at all for someone who is exceptionally beautiful beyond belief. Why some models and actors commit suicide. They want to be loved for more than their appearance. You have it, but are you thankful?
I've never known anyone who died of a lack of compliments.
Compliments should not be the source of your self-esteem. That should come from within you. Self-confidence is developed within us. Not given to us. If it is easily shattered; then it was built on a very weak foundation.
Good news! It can be rebuilt and replaced. Don't place it on other people to do it for you. You know what you need.
Sorry, the reality of life is. Your mate can find other women attractive and they may have many traits you don't have. You're not blind, and you can see other men.
You are the lady who has him at the moment. Until you drive him to another female, due to unjustified or irrational trust issues and insecurities. Lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.
All character issues we are personally responsible to fix within ourselves; but not to place as a burden on the shoulders of other people. Who have enough of their own personal issues and imperfections to deal with.
You shouldn't be concerned. That is because those blondes and curvy ladies apparently don't have what you've got; that made him give them up to be with you. If you feel he's settling for you? Then you have nothing to worry about, because he doesn't believe he is capable of having them.
Which means he must have tried, and it didn't happen.
They didn't see the things in him, that you do.
Maybe you should remind him that you need him to let you know how good you look from time to time. If he takes that all for granted; you will feel less interested in him.
You'll have less attraction for his thinning hair,love-handles, wrinkles, man-boobs, flat-bootie, average penis, and a list of a lot of things you see much more attractive in your idea of the hot guy.
If you can't deal with his verbalizing his appreciation of other ladies; ever thought to ask him to stop doing it in front of you?
Go buy a blonde wig and surprise him with a role-playing game.
Get it out of your system. You are beautiful just as you are, but you can also manipulate his fantasies; because that is one of the powers women have over us.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I agree with YouWish.
It's a power thing. To make you feel "grateful" that DESPITE the fact that you are NOT his type he is condescending himself to dating you.
I would call him out on it. Or ... TALK to him about it. I just don't see him stopping this behavior anytime soon, if this happens often and I would sincerely question the relationship if a person makes you feel like you aren't REALLY good enough for them, but that they settle for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2014):
 If this guy is your boyfriend and is constantly commenting on how attractive other women look, he's doing it to establish power in the relationship by hiding a low self-esteem. He is making you insecure on purpose.
The largest question is - why is he with you, and how serious is your relationship? Some guys do this because they believe that being too "in-love" makes them vulnerable, so they make comments to appear to be the aloof partner, because the less-connected partner usually holds the cards in the relationship.
In this case, actions speak louder than words. If he only likes that type, why didn't he date someone like that? You should consider not that he's "settling" for you, but that he may fear that you are "settling" for him and is trying to knock you off balance.
Either way, it's immature, and you should call him on his comments. How would he like it if you were appraising men a lot above his "league"? I would guess that he has a pronounced jealous streak.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): To be honest, OP, a man who regularly comments on other women in that way is inconsiderate as hell or immature, unless of course the lady he's with is the same way.
This is something you need to discuss with him. Some guys have a type and they're pretty strict about that, personally I don't have a type. I just have types I don't go for, eating disorder body types are a huge turn off for me whether it's restriction or over-indulgence, everything in between can be attractive to me.
You need to have a frank chat with this guy about your fears and you need to let him know how his comments on his "type" are making you feel concerned.
It's not nice to feel like the person you're with is "settling", so he needs to know how you feel.
Just be careful you're not being hypocritical and do the same as him, OP, even unknowingly. He's a bit too old to not know you don't comment so blatantly on women around your partner, but if you do it too then you have no grounds to think he's being an asshole.
Just talk to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): My immediate reaction to this is that he's either trying to make you feel insecure or he's an inconsiderate jerk. Constantly watching and commenting? He has zero respect for you, so regardless of whether you are his type or not, I think you should dump him. A rude man is no woman's type!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I suggest that you re-focus... NOT on the "type" of woman that catches his eye/attention...... BUT on the fact that he DOES ogle and/or comment about other women when he's with you... THAT can - and often, should - be a deal-breaker. Your "man" has yet to grow up, considering that he continues with this childish (and OFFENSIVE!) behaviour.
Good luck....
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