A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid2 days before i got dumped by my bf of 3.5 years. Long story short for past 1 year he was verbally and emotionally abusive and always called me names. I was always crying, depressed and scared to even talk to him. In the end he dumped me.I didnt call him, send him text or mail him. I am trying hard to move on, but my mind is playing tricks on me, i keep on remembering the best times we had even though it never happened for the past 1 year, how much ever i want to remember his abuse, my mind is going back to those days when he was very sweet to me. How can i forget him and move on. How can i not beg him to take me back. How can i stop thinking about only the best times which might make me crawl back to him. I dont want to be humiliated again by him, but i couldnt stop thinking about him. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): Despite everything, you are an optimistic person. This is evidenced by you focusing on the good times you had with him in the past instead of on the events of the last year with him.
To help yourself heal, you need to redirect your optimism. Essentially, you need to focus on the good things in your present instead of focusing on the good from the past. You also should not relate these things to him (for example, don't pretend to feel optimistic about something just because he isn't around to make you feel bad). What you want to do is look for the beauty and find joy in the small things in your life.
When you were a little girl, what things brought you immense, uplifting joy and happiness? What hobbies did you truly love? When I was a little girl, I absolutely loved looking at and smelling flowers. The vibrant colors always settle my nerves and when i close my eyes and smell a rose everything else just kind of stops and I feel peaceful. Whenever I feel angry and miserable I head to a grocery store and spend a few minutes looking at the flowers and smelling the roses. It might seem silly, but flowers help me focus on the important things, the vibrant things that I have here in my present life.
For now, accept that you feel conflicted. Accept that it is okay to feel one thing with your heart even though your head thinks you should feel differently. This sort of conflict is a heartbreakingly beautiful part of the human experience. Please, stay optimistic, find your flowers and take some time for yourself every day to find inner peace. With time, it will come.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): "Keep in mind that time heals all wounds. If you don't feel that you can get over a bad relationship, keep in mind that with time you will".
Break off communication with your ex because continued communication can hurt you while you are trying to get over your relationship. Don't get caught up in a cycle of bitterness.
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A
female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (17 February 2013):
Find your local woman's abuse shelter and ask for support. Even though you are already out of the relationship if you tell them you are tempted to return they will help you. A friend of mine needed to do that this year and they offered so much help because at some point he may turn around and want you back. Probably just as you are getting over him. They can help teach you to truly be glad you are free and to not look back. They will help you to feel supported and nurtured on the chance that you don't have much family/friend support. (So often abusers pull you away from them so you are dependant on the abuser). You are lucky you got out. Emotional and verbal abuse can often turn physical. Count your lucky stars, look for local support and move on! I heard a quote once that said that people will continuously ignore evidence that they personally witness in order to preserve their illusions. Do not try and preserve these illusions of good. Start writing down as many bad memories as you can of things that happened in your relationship. Then whenever you are tempted back, read them over and over. And call your local abuse shelter ASAP! Good luck and hope you stay strong!
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