A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend now for 15 months. She's always been overweight and it did bother me, and I spoke to her about it and she said she would do something about it.She became very motivated in working out and eating right, but as time passed she started losing her motivation and she's "stuck" where she is now. She eats about 1-2 times a day and works out maybe 1-2 times a week. Her meals are all pretty much fattening foods and she's completely given up the whole fitness routine.I'm proud that she lost about 5-10lbs in about 4-5 months, but it seems like I just can't get her to motivate herself to lose her excess weight on her own. I always have to give her a "motivating push" for her to exercise. I'm a fitness model and I train 5-6 times a week, I've even tried coming up with a routine for her to follow but she's giving it no further thought. It was just 3x a week too.How can I spark motivation in her? I love her very much, but I just would like her to become as active as she used to be again.
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male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
I read your follow up. She is trying, but she needs someone to push her.
You say she only has 400 to 500 calories a day? Candy, ice cream and chocolate is loaded with calories. What looks like a little can in fact be a lot.
You need to get her to socialise with other women who go to the gym, so she has training partners. If it's a mixed gym, go with her and help her out, give her some of your time if you can't train with her.
There is a thing called Boot Camp, where gym goers train together in group sessions, early in the mornings and some evenings. Take her for a walk. If the rain is an excuse, buy her a long waterproof, lightweight raincoat with a hood.
She finds it hard to get motivated. You are the man, you want her. You need to take charge.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): After reading your follow-up, I think it might be worth suggesting to her to see a doctor. She may have vitamin deficiencies, and while you are right in thinking that a better diet would help with that, I wonder if some more professional help might be required. If she gets tired easily, feels sick, bruises easily, feels cold, etc, those things will make it even harder for her to motivate herself to get healthier. When you feel physically unwell, the last thing you feel like doing is exercising, even if it would help.
Have you tried to explain to her your concerns about her health? Instead of trying to encourage her to do things, try and tell her honestly how worried you are. That might have more of an impact, and might prompt her to take some action.
But I still stand by what I said before - you cannot MAKE her change. You are saying you want her to do certain things, eat more healthier, exercise, etc. But if she does not want to do those things herself, that is her choice. I know this is affecting her health, and I understand a lot more now why you are so concerned about this. But all I am really reading here is people saying "she needs to do this, needs to eat this, get her to do this, get her to do that..." You can't. Even if your intentions are good, you can't make someone do things. It is still HER life, her health and her choices to make. After reading your follow-up, I agree that it would be great if she decided to become healthier. But only she can decide to do that.
It is all rather concerning though, I agree. And I do think an appointment to see the doctor would be a good idea. It must be really difficult and concerning for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (28 August 2010):
I agree w/ watsername, you don't leave someone because they cant get motivated are because they are a few lbs over wow i feel for those who made that statement boy if their loved one became paralyzed do you say oh sorry cant deal w/ it no'more. just talk to her the same way you did w/ us honesty is the key and to a healthier relationship! she does need your support and sounds like you really care a great deal for her! why don't you ask her what activity she likes best! and do it w/ her make it fun!! maybe swimming, hiking or biking if you don't have bikes you can find some used or new bikes. just talk w/ her but don't make it like you want her to lose weight because shes over weight some woman will rebel if thats the case. so instead of bringing that up just load up the both of you and surprise her go roller blading let her get into it but not by pushing her.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): I think its terrible that some of the people are telling you to leave her. It sounds like shes ready to change, and you need to help her. Go biking, or jogging with her because if she feels like you honestly care about her, it should keep her on track. Support her, let her know that you care. Its not going to help her if you keep mentioning to her that you want her to lose weight. It will make her feel terrible and maybe make the situation worse. Let her know that you care about her health. I wish you the best of luck.:]
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (27 August 2010):
It is almost impossible to change fatties. Have her eat no less than 3 meals a day. If she's not a brekky girl (and from my experience most fat girls aren't) try and get her to have a small bowl of cereal, like muesli. Wholegrain toast is good... but..either/or, not both. For dinner, chicken, fish and vegetables are good. Try and cook for her, or cook together, using a cookbook if you have to.
Help her to join a women only gym, with a friend of hers. Fernwood is good. Curves have only female trainers, too (one less worry!). If she goes with a friend or two, it greatly increases her chances of sticking with it.
Unless you are prepared to make this effort, give up. She will not do it of her accord. Now get cracking!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer looks aren't even the real issue. Yes, she would look better if she lost weight, and she said that herself.
I like to see her motivated. She's always been the quiet one, I want to see her dedicated to something for her personal benefit. I'm VERY concerned about her health because she eats a bare 400-500 calories/day, and each of those calories is something like candy, an icee, chocolate, etc.
She eats lettuce and grilled chicken once in a while too to "make up for the bad things she ate"
Basically, I don't see her taking care of herself as much as I wish she would. She gets very tired easily, bruises easily, gets cold very quickly, is nauseous often, doesn't sleep very often, and I'm really worried about her.
Whenever she does workout, she ends up eating more and eating healthy because she has the drive to. The next day, she'll have a headache and skip the gym and sit home eating ice cream. The next time she goes to exercise, it'll be a week later.
I want her to eat more and properly. If she exercised, her body will need more food.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Assuming you are being the best boyfriend you can be, then it's not fair of her to let herself go that way. But if you're slacking, she going to slack to. Honestly assess whether or not you are giving her your all.
If you are, and she still is not motivated, then she needs to know that you will leave over this. People care more about things they may lose than things they will not, and that includes relationships. You can't control her - all you can do is encourage (the way you have been), or leave. Let her know her options, calmly and without a threatening tone, just matter-of-factly.
And, as the anon pointed out, if you stay with her and she's already like this, she is only going to put on more and more weight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): You say her weight has always bothered you. Why is that? Is it because you are concerned about her health? Or is it about the way she looks?
If it is because of how she looks, I don't think it is very fair for you to expect her to change, since you knew what she looked like from the start. But if you are concerned for health reasons, then I apologise if I have misunderstood.
Ultimately, only she can really motivate herself. If she really wants to become more active, she will. If she doesn't...then no matter how much you try, it won't have any effect. Have you considered offering to work out or exercise together? Sometimes it can be more pleasant and fun to have an exercise companion. It can also help you to stay focused on what you are doing.
But like I said though, if she does not want to become more active, there is nothing you can do. You cannot make her. Therefore, you will have to try and accept her as she is. If you can't...then it might be kinder to walk away. I am sorry if that sounds drastic. But no matter what your reasons, even if you have her best intentions at heart, you cannot force her to change. There is only acceptance for how she is...or not. But please don't give her a hard time about this. It sounds like this is really bothering you, so as I said, if you cannot deal with it, it might be better to let her go. It is her body, her health, her choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): If you think she's bad now, wait until you are married. If having a fit, physically attractive partner is important to you, it's time to find someone else. If she is not fit at the outsetnof your relationship, She will NEVER become fit
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Well since you're a fitness model then you know she needs to eat at least 3 lean meals or 5 small meals a day and at least work out 3-5 days a week with 45 min of cardio. In a 4-5 month span 5-10 pounds isn't that much. But, it's better than nothing. I used to hate the gym, I wasn't a runner, plus I have moderate asthma on top of that. Going to the gym with a workout partner, not fitting in your favorite jeans, and looking at photos of myself not liking what I saw motivated me. She's got to get motivated on her own, offer going with her working out at her pace, offer encouragement and don't get discouraged as long as she's trying. Or next time it's nice out in the evening tell her you want to go for a walk, if you have any trails where you live, get a couple of bikes and bike the trail with her. It's best to switch it up and these activities, not only are you spending time together but your enjoying the outdoors and it's a good workout. Try all that, and also get her to work on her eating habits..if she cooks www.food.com has millions of recipes submitted by people and all of them list the nutritional facts so she can watch her intake. I also get my healthy recipes from Healthy Living and Taste of Home Light Edition magazines. It's worth a shot!
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (27 August 2010):
Well, I want to get fit too, and I know it's hard to motivate myself to go to the gym. Especially since I already look fit (skinny), but want to be athletically fit. But anyways, it's hard to go. There's other things you want to do, like watch tv or just relax. It's hard to put in the time to go to a boring gym, listen to some music and spend 40 minutes cycling or whatever. It just isn't fun. So I think the best way to motivate her is to help find her someone to go to the gym with her. Either you or a friend. Because working out alone is really boring. And it's hard to go out by yourself to do something boring like that. But with a friend, it makes it easier to keep up that appointment to go to the gym, because you have to go and meet them there.
Plus, going to the gym isn't the only way to exercise. Go outdoors more. Have hiking or cycling dates. Go play tennis or badminton together. There's plenty of fun ways to get in shape.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Well you two could work out together. Get rid of the fattening foods and both of you could start eating healthy together. Its proven that if you exercise with a friend or significent other, that that person will be motivated and more likely to stay on track.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Unfortunately you cannot make someone lose weight until they are ready to do it for themselves. As her partner you might make things worse by trying to push her too hard as she might think that you don't like her as she is, which might make her feel worse and want to lose weight less. It is a vicious circle.
If you do feel comfortable enough talking to her about it, then that might be the first step, just be careful not to seem to overbearing or pushy with your want to help. She will lose the weight when she is ready.
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