| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband has recently begun enjoying anal penetration with a vibrator. He suggested that we buy a double headed dildo to try together for the first time. So, I went to the local sex shop and bought one along with lube. I just can't get over how much this dildo looks like a real penis.My concern is that he could be having fantasies of men. We've been married 5 years and have had a great, adventurous sex life. We are perfectly matched sexually.I asked him if he ever thought about having sex with another man. His answer was yes, he did think about it and decided he didn't want to. I'm not sure what kind of answer that is.I've never noticed any behaviours to suggest he would swing the other way.And I'm wondering why after 5 years of sexual exploration together, the anal area is now only being discovered?I wonder if he always liked this type of stimulation but was afraid to mention it? Or maybe he was getting it on the side somewhere else? With all his years of sexual experience, I am surprised he hadn't experienced this before. My husband has a good friend who is male and he goes over to fix his computer about once a month or to visit. Now I am paranoid about what they are really doing?My husband also mentioned fixing a computer for his gay cousin recently. Hubby is in the tech field. He told me his gay cousin was rather descriptive about an encounter he had with another man. Something to the effect of the cousin saying he was sucking some guy's dick. I am not sure why he would say this to my husband and be so blunt about it? It just seems bizarre to me. It's starting to drive me up the wall, imagining he could be bisexual and I never saw it coming.I am not sure I even want to try the double sided dildo. It sort of turns me off if I am just a tool to feed any gay fantasies. It hurts me. And cuts out the intimacy. Perhaps this is an over reaction? It is how I feel nonetheless.I'm stuck on what I should do? It's a very delicate matter. And I am left feeling very hurt.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): Hello, I posted the question. You have all provided great answers which have caused me to question my thinking. Uncle TylerSage, your answer should be awarded best answer! Your advice was a game changer for me!! Thank you!! :)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 You are exaggerating. It is perfectly normal for a man to enjoy anal sex with his female partner, as in your case. It doesnt HAVE to be with a man. For goodness sakes, just because the dildo looks like a penis, doesn't mean he actually wants a penis up his ass.
How you should take his answers? At face value. He told you he doesn't want sex with a man. So there you go. He doesn't want sex with a man. Case closed. Could he be bisexual? Look, sexuality is not something that is fixed. It's continually being explored, and can shift. Typically you do not shift from straight to bi or gay. But your preferences may shift. Such as now he is into anal games. In another 5 years, he might not be that interested.
Maybe he will explore some gay fantasies. So what? Fantasies are fantasies. And you don't even know if he has them or not, but when you asked him he said no. So why are you doubting this?
If the dildo representing a penis bothers you so much, buy a different one that doesn't look like a penis. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Just wanted to add, Uncle TylerSage brings up a GREAT point...
EVEN if your husband is bi, doesn't mean he is cheating or WILL cheat. Being bi just means someone is attracted to BOTH genders - NOT that they want to FUCK every guy & girl they see or that they can not stay faithful.
But anal play for a guy is RARELY about sexual orientation but about PLEASURE and trying new things. He is CHOOSING to be open with you about trying it because he TRUSTS you, his wife.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 It takes more than a guy wanting to experiment with inserting things up his bottom to make him gay, lol.
On a more serious note, if this is something YOU don't like doing, then STOP. The surest way to go off sex with someone is to do things which turn you off or which hurt. I am sure there are many other things you can do which you can BOTH enjoy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2018):
Honestly?
I think he has found that it gives HIM a bit extra pleasure from the insertion in his anus - as men ACTUALLY get to stimulate their prostate that way which supposedly is VERY lovely for a guy.
So I don't really think it's about being bi or even curious about homosexuality.
Being blunt about his cousin's dick sucking... I think it a bit of male locker-room talk. While it would be OK around other guys, it might not have been very appropriate around you. And it could also be because his cousin is SO open, he wanted to either shock you a little or be open with you.
You know how when you have been around certain people you might adopt a mannerism or "jargon" and you "forget" to shed that before talking to people who are not familiar with it? Like if you met up with some old high school friends or your sports team from way back. We all kind of do it.
I really don't think it's about wanting to be gay - after all it's NOT a strap on - it's a toy for you both.
If you don't WANT to use it with him, just tell him you aren't into it.
As odd as it may sound I have read that MEN actually get WAY more sexual pleasure out of anal sex (on them) than women do (due to the prostate) REGARDLESS of sexual orientation.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (22 February 2018):
 You will find that many men lie to their wives and significant others because they believe their honesty will only backfire on them. Usually, because many women tend to get worked up easily and overthink everything making a simple situation into a huge hurricane. You're mixing up the idea of having a bisexual husband versus a cheating husband. Which is it? Seems either scenario is a turn off for you.Personally, I don't believe a cheating husband, for the most part would want to explore anal sex with his wife while having anal sex with other men. It seems a bit too risky. I'd be more likely to believe he was cheating if he avoided anal sex like the plague and probably demonized it. Scientists have proven that the male G-Spot is in the rectum. It drives men wild. You'd be surprised at how many bisexual women I've met who said they would immediately break it off with a man if he wanted to TRY anal sex with them. There was very little room for understanding and openness from them on this topic so many men don't bring it up. Instead they hide, they lie, they avoid. You've mentioned that there are no problems in your marriage and you have a great sex life with your husband. Don't attempt to start messing it up for the wrong reasons. Appreciate a husband you have who is choosing to be open and honest with you. Don't punish him for it.All the best.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (22 February 2018):
Double-ended dildos are marketed primarily toward lesbians. Just to be sure, I just Googled "double-headed dildo" and clicked on images. The photos all showed females using this except for one photo of two guys. You should do your own research just so that you are satisfied that this is more a lesbian thing.
I don't think this has anything to do with a man being gay or bi-sexual. Such fellows would be much more likely to use the real thing. You can forget the notion that this sex toy suggests he is gay or bi. If he was, you would have had hints way before this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2018): News flash, if you've been in a relationship for any length of time; you'll sooner or later entertain a fantasy. That's what an imagination is for, and that's were creativity comes from.
Your husband has shared things with you. Perhaps he has overshared? You're jumping to all kinds of conclusions; because he has a gay cousin, and he visits a male-friend. So liking anal-stimulation is upsetting you. Put them all together, and that spells your husband is gay or bisexual? Why not just sexually-experimental? Sexually, it's better he shares with his wife than other people.
I guess he has overshared by being totally honest; and that has placed his marriage in peril. I think most women would feel same as you do. Sexually you feel turned-off by the knowledge. Is there anything someone could say that would change that? Somehow I doubt it. Not many straight-women want a bisexual or sexually-ambiguous boyfriend or husband.
I don't think there is much anyone can suggest to change how you feel about it; because you've pretty much drawn the conclusion that your husband is gay or bisexual. Semantics aside, the words are interchangeable if you don't want your husband to be either.
That hurts you and turns you off. So I guess you need to tell him how you feel; and find yourself a divorce attorney. I have a feeling neither of you are going to change.
He could stop visiting his friend; go homophobic, and reject his cousin. I doubt that will resolve anything. How you feel isn't likely to change; because you've already mulled it through your mind and cannot accept it.
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