| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My husband had an affair for 12 months with a woman from work. I knew what was going on but hadnt had it confirmed by him. He wasnt nice to me at all, putting me down and pushing me away, however I remained the supportive wife allowing him to do his own thing and encouraging the "working" relashionship he had with her while trying to keep the family together. Eight months in it got too much and I fell into an affair with a guy who I hardly knew from work which lasted a month. Big mistake. I was fulled by anger, rejection and desparation to "feel" appreciated. He admitted what he had done a week after I had told him, but then still carried on keeping her on the backburner. We are trying to make our marriage work but he wont let it go, sniping saying I am impure and that I have lied constantly ("worse than him"???). I have told him I am desparate to make this work and we go for a week fine but then he brings it all back. He wants me to go and confront this guy with him which will enable him to forgive me, but I dont want to go as I know he will end up kicking off. I have received text messages supposedly from this guy recently which I told him about and he tried to use this as a tool to get me to go to confront him. Every time I called the number the phone was off and I told my husband I would only go IF I spoke with the guy, he didnt like this. It makes me question whether it was him sending the text messages???? He has been physically abusive twice since this all came out but I feel I deserve it to a degree. I clam up and hold my feelings about what he did in as I cant live with feeling so negatively, I am trying to look to a positive future. I feel panicky, sad and go though most the time without motivation, unless I swing to the other extreme of feeling super motivated. He is saying I am still lying about parts of what I did, I can honestly say I am not, but he comes clean about things every couple of weeks. Such as he was put under pressure by his mates to go get a blow job from a prostitute while he was away shortly after we married, but he couldnt go through with it so he just paid her???? He has been chatting with women online using how to get help with how to deal with me as an excuse. I feel depressed but I believe that this is environmental so dont want any treatment. I need him so much and wish things could go back to how they were, I would have dealt with things so differently. I am so confused I am so sorry. I never thought he would have an affair once. How can I make him see I have been completely honest with him?
View related questions:
affair, blow-job, depressed, prostitute, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Hi, I have read your post and know exactly what you are going through. Last year I ended up in the same situation as you, both parties cheating, being hit, threats to beat the other guy etc. I only had the courage to walk away when I meet my current partner and was 4 months pregnant by my husband!!Well my husband made my life hell, beat me up while pregnant and I ended up having to go to court for injunctions and him breaching the injunction. He even spent 9 weeks in prison on remand, I couldn't sleep at night for months due to fearing being attacked by him.Your marriage was broken from the moment your husband slept with the OW. He is now shocked to the core that you have also cheated! Let me tell you he's ego is hurting, he thought you would be he's door mat FOREVER.Please have the guts to leave him, he has no respect for you. The abuse will get worse.My husband took me back after I had a fling (after he had numerous flings), he worked for 2 months to get me back, then when I agreed he started an affair with someone 2 WEEKS later. That affair went on for 10 months, the OW and I were pregnant at the same time. When I finally ended my marriage he is still acting like the injured lost boy! You were not born to be treated like this. You need a man who can treat you like a Queen and not have eyes for every other tramp out there.PLEASE FIND AWAY TO GET OUT NOW. I can't tell you how happy I am now. Life is too precious.In the UK 2 women every week get killed by their current or ex partner, don't become a statistic!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): I feel so sorry for you - you sound so sad and so low. What a horrible situation to find yourself in. I want you to know that I am sending you positive thoughts and good wishes, and the strength to go on fighting and not to give up on wanting the life and the relationship you deserve.
First of all, let me address a couple of important things in your message. Whatever you have done in your relationship, even if it was cheating with the entire male population of the country, you do NOT deserve physical abuse. That is completely and utterly out of line and you should not have to put up with it. Please, please take care of yourself. If you think your partner is likely to become violent again, remove yourself from the situation. Right now, while things are calm, develop a plan so that if you feel threatened you know what to do. Arrange a safe place you can get to with a female friend or relation at any time of day or night, preferably somewhere that you have a key to and can let yourself in. (This may mean confiding in someone about what is going on- I know it's scary, but you need to protect yourself). Your safety is of paramount importance here.
Secondly, your depression may well have a very obvious cause in your husband's behaviour, but that does not mean that you do not need treatment. I have been in a similar situation with an abusive partner, and I just couldn't think straight. I felt miserable, tired, and confused all the time. It was only when I got some pills that I found the calmness I needed to begin to address the situation. I am not saying that you should rush for medication, but it is something to think about as it really might give you the headspace you need to make positive changes for the future. I think that you also need counselling if you can get it: having someone impartial to talk to can be a godsend.
I'm afraid to say that it sounds like your marriage has become toxic to both you and your husband. In the foreground, there is the issue of infidelity. It is normal and natural for people to feel very insecure when someone cheats on them, and to go through a period of blaming the other person. However, since you have both cheated, he has no right to claim a moral highground or insist that you are 'impure': statements like that, from someone who has themselves cheated, are purely and simply instances of misogynist emotional abuse. You should not have to put up with being made to feel that way, and it needs to stop. Right now.
If you are to conquer what has happened in the past, you both need to heal, go forward, eventually forgive, and become strong as a couple. The way to do that is absolutely not for your partner to confront the guy you had an affair with. Such behaviour is deeply immature, and liable to lead to confrontation, aggression, and physical violence. Instead, you both need to focus on the things that are wrong in the dynamic between you. You cannot move forward while you are blaming each other, or while either of you is continuing to be unfaithful. While you had an affair, it is now over, but it seems that he is confessing to serial infidelities and many instances of subsequent and past behaviour that are not normal or healthy in a long term and committed relationship, including confiding in other women online at the moment.
By the sounds of things, you do not believe that you can trust this man to be faithful to you. You need to sit down and have a long, hard think to yourself about whether you really believe he can change. I believe from your message that you have that will and strength to try to make this work - but does he really have the intention or desire to be faithful to you? If the answer to that question is no, you may need to think about leaving.
In the background, there is the issue of the way that you both speak and deal with each other. I am not surprised you are feeling anxious and panicky - you deserve respect from your partner in your daily life, and you should not be living in fear of namecalling, bullying, or threats. Boundaries need to be reestablished to make sure that you are treated more kindly. I suggest that next time he says something out of line, you explain that you find his behaviour hurtful and ask him quietly to stop. Keep very calm, and don't get drawn into an argument about it. If he continues to give you abuse, repeat your request quietly and walk away. Don't get drawn into explanations or justifications.
You may well find that this is not enough to prevent his bad behaviour, in which case you may need to think about establishing some lines by setting an ultimatum that you have thought through carefully. The important thing is that you follow through on this, so he takes you seriously. If you say you are going to leave for a week if he swears at you again, then you have to do it. It may be that once he learns that there are consequences to his actions, he stops misbehaving.
Unfortunately, and heartbreakingly, some people just can't get out of the habit of treating those around them badly. Sometimes the only way to deal with the situation is to leave. It sounds to me as though you know this, but are lacking the confidence to really think about it as a serious option. I would say this to you: I have been where you are, and felt that I could never leave because where would I go? Who would want me? Would I be able to cope? Let me tell you something: that's the fear, the misery, and the abuse talking. Actually, when I eventually plucked up the courage to escape, I felt huge, boundless relief like a big weight was lifted from me. It was tough at first, but eventually I found the energy to get my life back on track, went out on dates, and I met a wonderful, kind, gorgeous man who treats me like a queen.
I don't believe that you have the option to do noting in this situation, because your husband's attitude and cheating are undermining your strength and affecting your health. I do think you need to entertain the possibility that this is not the right relationship for you, and that you might have to get out. Unfortunately, I think that the serious prospect of losing you forever may be the only thing that can jolt your partner out of treating you this way. Still more unfortunately, the prospect of losing you might not be enough to get him to change. In which case, don't you deserve better - a chance to be with Mr Right, who might be waiting just around the corner for you, if only you ditched Mr Wrong?
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 You've heard: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive", right? Well, here you go, a real life embodiment.
And sister, you've got one big tangled mess, here.
Physical abuse is a deal breaker.
Usually, so is having an affair.
He's transferring and externalizing his own guilt and dishonesty upon you.
What productive ends will be served in confronting the guy you had the fling with? This is mere high school-level behavior.
I don't see how you could possibly need this guy.
Pull the weeds, get away from him, count your losses and go on. Sometimes there is far too much damage done to ever hope to salvage anything. I think you're better off leaving this all behind you.
...............................
A
female
reader, smiley_1  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Hello,
He's cheated and in my opinion more then he's admitting to.
I don't personally believe you should have allowed this affair once it was confirmed. To be in a healthy relationship it takes two people with love,trust,commitment, an so much more.
You mentioned you also had an affair, and he basically doesn't believe anything you tell him about it. Its because he's not being honest and reversing this on you.
Can you spend your life with this man, not knowing if he's cheating? Is this healthy?
In my opinion its time to do some serious thinking.
Good luck
;D
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Why are you taking all the blame for everything that is wrong with your marriage? Physical abuse by a spouse is never deserved so please stop that kind of thinking. Also what you are describing are extreme mood swings. Please seek help for this. The medications out today are wonderful with very little side effects. It could help you think a little clearer, deal with him more effectively and maybe see your way out of this mess.
...............................
|
