A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I have a dilemma that has now become a pressing issue. I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my second child amd am being pressured and made to feel guilty for not wanting to take the father or my mother into the delivery room. When I had my first baby, my partner chose not to attend the birth because we were having serious issues in our relationship. I decided to take my mum who was thrilled to share the experience. Now my mum keeps assuming that she'll be attending this birth although I want to do it alone this time and my partner is annoyed that I don't want him there. Despite us coming a long way, I can't help but hold a grudge that he didn't want to see our first child being born but really wants to see this one. I've had disagreements throughout the entire pregnancy because my partner thinks that he should be given the option, my mum thinks that she should be there and my brother (who has no kids) thinks that I should 'just let mum be there'. I'm fed up of being told what to do but don't know how to proceed. If I let my mum go, my partner will get annoyed but if I let him go, my mum will. I can't have both because the hospital only allow one birthing partner doe to the pandemic. I just want to do it alone and think I'd prefer that but my feelings are the only ones that no one is taking into consideration. How can I handle this without there being another fight? I just want to have some say over my baby's birth Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2020): I really think who is in the room when you give birth is up to you.Be sure to inform your doctor's and the nurses who is and who is not allowed in the room and they will run interference for you.This is a personal time and stress can affect the birth so you must do what makes you comfortable.You can explain this to your husband in a nice way though he will be hurt but you do what is best for you and your baby's health.I think you will be a great mom as you already want to put your baby first.But hey what do I know as I only gave birth three times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): I feel different from some of the other responses you've received. I feel it's your choice. You're the one who's going through it. It seems it should be entirely up to you as to whom (if anybody) should be there; besides the medical staff, and the guests of honor. That being you, and the newborn!
To bystanders, it might seem selfish to deny the father his option. Your reasoning seems based on an unresolved-resentment that you ought to lay to rest before the baby is born. It's starting a new chapter in your family. Life moves forward, never backwards. You seem to be willfully sabotaging your relationship with your partner. How come?
People do change, and you said you're both getting on; but obviously you haven't really gotten over the past. Denying him access to the birth of his child is an odd means of payback. I guess you're willing to forfeit whatever progress you've made. Yet, I still believe that's your choice.
Your mother got the honor the first time. Although she is your mother, it does not follow she is entitled to forgo your wishes; otherwise, resort to laying a guilt-trip on you. It would seem to me just hoping all goes well should be good enough. Just bearing a few things in-mind. Who has stood by you through the pregnancy, and was always willing to go above and beyond to be by your side? Then who will be there to help raise and support the new addition to your family? The father has a right. Your mother wants to pacify a whim.
Just tell everyone you cannot make a choice; and you prefer to do this on your own. Leaving everyone in suspense seems vindictive; or simply looking for a way to garnish attention. It's hard to understand why you're so adamant about it, yet you haven't put your foot down one-way or the other?
If there will be hurt-feelings choosing between the two; I think denying the father his option is worse than denying your mother. No matter how this turns-out, there are two parents that conceived that child. Your mother wasn't there at conception.
Your mother participated in the joy of welcoming one child into the world. If anybody should be considered, it would be the father; who owes you what he failed to do the first-time. In any case, you should bury old-resentments. It serves no purpose, and childbirth is a joy; not a time to settle grudges.
This is a Solomon's decision; but dividing the baby in half seems impractical.
Everyone gets to see the baby in the end. Only, you'll have to once again go back to square-one resolving relationship-issues with your partner. Seems you'd want your relationship to completely heal at all costs. Your mother will always love you; but your relationship with your partner has suffered setbacks in the past that you've had to overcome. It's your call!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2020): I think you're being unreasonable not to let the father be there to be honest. Have you not considered that he may have alot of guilty over not being there for your first?
You need to let go of that grudge, you forgave him and you let him father your second child so let him be a Dad - starting with the birth room.
With your Mum, as others have said, put your foot down and tell her kindly that 'only one person is allowed and it has to be *father of baby*'.
Be a big girl, a selfless one at that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2020): You're pregnant YOUR call.
Even when your husband is in question.
Some women prefer NOT to be surrounded by anybody they know at childbirth, others want their partner or their mother with them.
Again, when it's something you alone need to go through, it's your call. My husband totally supports this opinion.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 November 2020):
 Since when mom , and brother !, are supposed to have a say in how, where, when ,in front of whom a woman gives birth ?!
I am all in favour of adult children's moms ( I am one of them ) but this is a precedence case which is easy to solve in the light of ethics, common sense and general habit : like it or not, the baby's father 's right trumps the baby's grandma's right hands down. Your mom loves you and wants to be there for you, ok,- but the baby's father is , together with you , this creature's next of kin, and 50% of this creature belongs to him- and he has precedence over anybody else.. if you want him there. I am sure that you can say that to your mom very simply and matter-of-fact : if only one person is admitted to attend, that must be the baby's father and next of kin, and I am sure that your mom, unless she is delusional, will understand very well.
I said " if you want him there " and it is an important if . One one hand, I agree that now it should be a time to let go of old grudges; when the other baby was born you were having big problems, which luckily by now seem to have been overcome- that's why this time your bf wants to be present: the circumstances are different, so it is an all different experience too. And you 'd better live in the here and now , rather than hold on to old grievances which cannot be helpful in raising together this child nor in improving your couple relationship. What better moment than this birth to create a " from now on " milestone.
OTH, when all is said and done, it's the birth-giving lady who has to decide in total freedom and total selfishness too, if she wants. You are the one who is going to go through labour , and we know that even in the best case scenario it is going to be no picnic in the park. You will need to be as relaxed as you can, and try to stay cool and never lose your heart. If you think that , on top of dealing with labour pains, you don't also want the added strain of negative thoughts , or of feeling you have been prevailed upon or short-shrifted.... you have my blessing for being as self-centered as the occasion requires , and kick them all out but who is paid to be there in their professional capacity.
At the end of the day, I think, like the anon poster, that Covid will decide for you ( in fact , I found surprising that in UK there's supposedly a lockdown going on for 4 weeks or more, and they would allow people from outside to waltz in inside hospitals just to be birthing partners , it must be quite a soft lockdown for now ).
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2020):
 Y'all are so selfish.
I think it's fair enough that you don't want your mom there, and you just need to tell her. Be honest with her. She will get over the hurt once she holds her second grandchild.. she got to be there for #1. She needs to ALSO not be selfish.
I don't think it's fair that you don't want your partner in there. After all, you wouldn't BE pregnant without his "help" and you can't gold it OVER his head because it SUITS you, that he wasn't there for #1. AT least he seems to know he messed up and wants to be there for #2. This isn't just YOUR child.
That is SELFISH of you. Just like it WAS selfish that he didn't want to be there with #1. Is your relationship a meeting of equals? Or is it tit for tat?
Come on, you are supposed to be a grown up, ACT like one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): Fortunately with Covid19 the decision will probably be taken out of your hands. In the hospital where I work no birthing partners are permitted at present.
...............................
|
