A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together for nearly 4 years. I love him and he’s a great partner, we work well together and there’s never been any major riffs in our relationship. When the pandemic started he started working more and now it’s been 5’ months since we’ve been intimate. I try to initiate but it always seems like he’s too tired or too busy to want to go through with anything. When we first got together and even the last year he was still open to experimenting together and we had a pretty healthy sex life but these last months are really hurting my confidence. I haven’t gone through any major changes appearance wise to feel like it’s me but the fact that he never wants to touch me anymore is really getting to me. Even when I try to bring it up it’s kind of brushed off and ignored. I don’t know what else to do or how much longer I can go without maybe saying something that might come of as rude about it to him. Any tips? If anyone been in this situation before? I’m 27 and he’s 32 and Im not ready to give up sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): I think the stress-factor is at the top of the list explaining the sudden loss of interest in sex. Women don't have to get or maintain erections to perform sex.
People are dealing with covid-19 restrictions, election-fatigue, worrying about their parents, older family-members, family-members with underlying medical-conditions, wondering if you have an underlying medical-condition, fear of losing their jobs; and generally being denied a normal life. Being denied all the usual mental or physical-outlets, and options that go with normalcy. Seeing all the political-division and blatant hatred out in the open. Suggesting all this is a mood-killer for some people, is a major understatement! Some handle it better than others. Some people are more resilient or adaptable than others.
Your boyfriend is pretty young, so health-issues aren't necessarily the greatest concern; but diabetes that has not been diagnosed can cause sudden erectile-dysfunction. Men will often hide it, and avoid questioning or confrontation regarding a sudden disinterest in sex. Especially, someone so young. An addiction to porn is another cause that will be hidden in secrecy; and the loss of interest in sexual-intercourse is usually due to the deference of pleasure from self-stimulation. That's when real-sex is no longer the preference; but things tilt to the alternative....masturbation. It leaves you "dry" and your sexual-appetite is diminished. It's quick and easy, and immediately gratifying. It's cheating, but not cheating.
Even if it feels very uncomfortable, and he will be evasive. What option does he leave you, but to confront him about it? He's forcing you to draw conclusions, or to blame yourself. That's not fair. Couples have to talk these things out. If there is no open-line of communication, there is no trust. The lack of trust breeds suspicion and resentment. You deserve to know why he is suddenly no longer interested in sex? Tell him what you are forced to believe; unless he explains what is truly going on. Reassure him you'll be supportive; if it is due to something beyond his control. Otherwise, your relationship is in trouble. You cannot afford to have secrets that affect your love-life.
You are giving-in far too easily. It's probably more fear of knowing, that prevents you from seeking the truth; than his withholding it from you. It's natural for a partner to be evasive about things like sex; but if he values his relationship, and wants it to continue; you are due some reasonable explanation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2020): I am in a very similar situation as you, it's been about 7 months for me though!My boyfriend suffers terribly with anxiety to the point he was put on medication, anxiety was made worse by the lockdown and feeling like he has lost control of his own life.Medication and anxiety have completely killed his libido. It's a very difficult subject to approach, but there comes a time (And I know this very well) where it has to be spoken about, properly. I sat my boyfriend down and told him how it's making me feel, and even when he didn't want to talk about it, I stood my ground and said that he needs to take my feelings into consideration. We talked, and even though we haven't been intimate again (yet!), it felt really good to understand his headspace and I understood that it's nothing to do with a lack of attraction for me.It could be any number of things that are effecting your partner's libido. Stress, financial worries, illness, mental health issues. It could be any of those. I am very confident that it's not you! But your partner has to communicate what exactly is causing the issue. Firstly, it'll put your mind at ease, and secondly, it means he is facing up to the fact that there is something wrong and he needs to deal with it.But, going forward, you absolutely have to have a proper talk with him about it. Make it clear that you are not taking any bullshit, and he will discuss the matter with you. Explain how it's been making you feel, and as Kenny said, communication is key! With my situation, it was so much better after communicating properly about it. Good luck hun
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (2 November 2020):
 Is it just in the bedroom he has gone cold?. Or has he gone cold with you in all other area's of your life?.
five months is a long time for no intimacy, and I think that your entitled to know the reason why he does not want to sleep with you.
I could tell you a whole list of the reason's why I think he is acting the way he is, but you are never going to know until the pair of you actually communicate. And I think that this is the key here, communication.
If after several attempts of trying to talk to him and he is still brushing you off and ignoring you like a child, then I think you may have to consider if this relationship is actually for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2020): You need to talk about this.
Maybe he's just stressed out because of the pandemic.
Maybe he has some health issues.
Maybe it's somethings else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): Do all the sexy things you know of, maybe put on a sexy Teddy, offer him oral or whatever worked in the past. I was in your situation and found a FWB at the library of all places, the guy should have been a porn star. We're married 25 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): Plenty will say you must talk to him - don't bother, he will make excuses to get out of talking about it, too busy, too tired etc, just as he does about having sex. If he has time to sit and have a long chat he is not that busy and could have had sex with you by now.He will not change, he is living in his own little World mentally, he likes it that way - for now at least. And asking him about it comes across as you being some sort of sex starved woman who is desperate to feel wanted, not a good way to sell yourself. Keep your self respect.Decide whether you want to be with him warts and all.If sex is that important to you diy or find someone else who is more into it, but remember that with the lock down that is far easier said than done, and you might get the same problem again where they are enthusiastic and keen for a bit and then it all goes flat.
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