A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 17 year old girl, and my boyfriend is 19. We've only been dating for about 2 months, and I just recently got out of an abusive relationship of a year. He knows this, of course. He can't seem to get over the fact that we messed around, even though he knows that my previous boyfriend raped me, he can't seem to shake the fact that I was ever with another guy in any sort of sexual way. He was a virgin when we met, and we have had sex, but it seems to even be affecting that. I don't know what to do, I feel like I have done everything I can at this point. I feel so guilty about everything and no matter how hard I try to express to him that my feelings for him are much stronger and different than they were for my previous boyfriend, he just can't get over my past relationship.Sometimes he grills me about it, but not in an angry way. He is a wonderful man, and I know that he's just hurt by it. Even though I was only friends with him at the time.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't know where to turn. Thank you for your time. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I haven't responded to any of the responses, and I really appreciate all of you for getting back to me. I have talked to him a bit more and he just wishes I had done something about what my "ex" did to me. I don't want to play the "pity me" card because that's not what I want from anyone. I just want to move on and forget about everything that happened to me before.
We have worked a lot out since I first posted. I greatly appreciate all of your advice. Thank you so much for your time! I thought I was being a bit selfish, thinking that there was something wrong. But I believe we have finally come to an understanding of the entire situation. Once again, thank you all so much. You've encouraged me a lot.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): I do not agree that his actions and feelings are signs of a "bad" or "abusive" guy. They are signs of a normal guy being honest about his feelings. I do not see how that is abusive. He suffers from retroactive jealousy. That is still very normal no matter how much we may wish it was not. Either he continues to deal with it in an acceptable way or he does not. There is nothing else that can be done to help it. If he gets abusive about it then you must break up with him. It is tempting for him to think that if he hears enough of the details then it will help him cope. But it won't help. It will get compulsive and there is no amount of info that will make him feel better like he hopes to feel this way. He needs to realize this. It will not be easy for you to get this through to him because his first impulse will probably be to think you're hiding something if you resist filling in more and more details. It is tempting for both of you to think that the intensity of his bad feelings will fade in time. I'm sorry to tell you that this is not usually true. I am not saying that it's hopeless to fight this battle, but I am saying that "just give it some time" is not a strategy. If he's not making any kind of progress today then don't assume he will eventually make it later somehow.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (22 January 2011):
I agree with CaringGuy, although I think he's being a little too hard on your boyfriend. I believe your boyfriend is still rather immature, which is why he's suffering from retrograde jealousy. At some point he'll have to accept that the women he dates have a past, and that will be easier once he develops his own sexual history. The problem is, he'll always have been a virgin when he met you while you had a past. I seriously doubt he'll ever come to peace with that imbalance, and will unfortunately keep badgering you about it (which is a form of metal abuse).It is probably best to let him go and find a guy who will accept you as you are without judging you on your past. You may want to be careful about how much info you give out to future guys, too. Some can handle it, others cannot.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Please end it with him. You were seriously abused by one guy, and you've gone on and now met another guy who I think will abuse you too.
A truly wonderful man will accept your past, no matter what. Your boyfriend knows that you have been through so much, but is only bothered by the fact that you 'messed around'. That is not the sign of a good guy, it's a sign that you're with another man who will hurt you and use you.
You're more than a sex object, you know. But because of your past, you seem to be slipping into a cycle of choosing men who don't respect you or care for you.
You have tried hard, but the fact is your boyfriend isn't good enough. A good guy will accept your past an be supportive. Your boyfriend seems more concerned that he didn't get to go to bed with you first.
Please don't bother with men like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): your previous boyfriend must of been an absaloubte monster, thats awful that sumone could do such a horrible thing and its good your out of it . Your new boyfriend doesnt know the full extent on how you feel about what happenede to you so if you think u could maybe talk to him in detail and how u felt he mite lay off and understand . you should DEFINITELY NOT feel guilty coz none of it is your fault in any way. there a big difference between rape and consent sex , so your new boyfriend should kno tht u didnt want to have sex with ur ex he made you and that its not ur fault tht he made u , and u could do nuffin about it . hope my advice helps :)
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