A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My long distance bf is cheating on me. We met about 4 months ago through mutual friends and about 1 month into the relationship he paid for me to go visit! I had a good time I really enjoyed his company.. So I get back home which Is about 1200 miles away from him and everything still good! We were very much in love BUT after a while I cud notice a diffence in the way he acted. Fewer phone calls fewer texts js strangeness especially after being in contact with each other 24/7. So One day I put our pics on his Facebook.. Well jus 1 pic of us.. And he took it down. I didnt think he would have a problem with me doing that because he's mentioned me on his page before.. So I asked him about it and he got so defensive (which made me raise an eyebrow lik something must be going on because I was so calm when I mentioned to him about y he took it off) well a few days past and his ex wrote I love you (with my bf ñame in parenthesis) and he wrote back saying he loves her to and misses her .. I was devastated! I asked him about it and he denies it wen it's right there! I feel lik I can't really do anything because I can't physically show him... So I new at that point we were done cuz that would b foolish of me to stay wen clearly he has no respect for me to at least tell me the truth.. So days go buy and he texts me on and off as if nothing happened.in the beginning of the relationship if I confronted him about anything he would clear it up and tell me how much he loves me and make sure I felt secure in what we have but now he was js lik idk what ur talking about period... It just really bothers me because I'm such a loyal person lik it took a lot for me to go visit cuz although I really lik this person over The phone, was still taking a risk! I really cared and loved him and I'm hurt! Idk if i cud do that again because when my friend mentioned him to me i was hesitant but then i just thought what the heck who knows where this cud go....so after that a few weeks past and i see in his page that hes hooking up with other girls? U no at this point im through with him ... But here's the Problem any time I mention ANYTHING about him cheating he lies about it and then gets mad at me! He'll say things lik I loved u so much I'm sick of u accusing me and he'll tell me to leave him alone and I'm lik wow I didn't even do anything! It js sucks cz at the end of the day I trusted him! I still care! But i no we have nothing cz he believes his own lies so I get no where with him! It sucks it really does suck cz he'll even say he will pay for me to move there! What should I do??? Clearly im not moving there! I would b a fool after reading and seeing what i saw on his Facebook! I js feel lik every relationship i get into i get used and abused when I try to get in them with my best intentions! Lik what am I doing wrong! What did I do to him for him to lie to my face! He knows he's lying and he knows I no what's going on but he still tries to sweet talk and say he wants a relationship! I think if we weren't long distance things may have worked but will I ever get to a point to where we can js b friends! Of couse in the beginning after visiting I definitely saw a future with him! But now he's an entirely diff person! I feel used! I feel betrayed!someone please give me advice
View related questions:
facebook, his ex, I love you, long distance, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): It's actually not about LDR's you met an asshole simple as that.
For the future LDR's don't work, okay don't get into them.
OP you say you get used and abused but if you treat all relationships like you did this one, then I'm not surprized.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not having a go at you and I'm not trying to make you feel bad but you're a love fool. You've let this guy walk all over you and yet you keep going back for more even now you know he's cheated, he won't let you put a pic up on facebook, he barely texts you and makes pretty much no effort to keep in contact or get emotionally close to you and still keep going with this. It's just too easy to use and abuse you OP because you let guys get away with too much. You have to ask yourself why you do this, no love is not an excuse.
OP do you know what we call someone who lets another person treat them like utter crap and still looks for a way to make it work? Desperate/needy/blind/foolish OP, that's what you call a person that does that.
Please don't feel bad, please don't take this as an insult that's not my intention. But you have to wake up OP, if this is how you let guys treat you and you always look past this kind of treatment and still persist then you have a long hard road of heartache and pain in your future. You already have a past of that so you need to change how you approach this kind of thing.
You cannot let things slide OP, you cannot ignore signs and red flags. You cannot sit there hoping you're wrong and that everything will work out. Taking your pic down off facebook was a big red flag, not trying to make an effort to contact you is another, you also know he's seeing other girls and he lies to you over and over the list goes on, these are all deal breakers OP yet for some reason you're confused, he's not even friendship material OP he's not even worth knowing.
It sounds to me like you're a sucker for sweet talk and fantasy. When you like a guy he can do anything he wants as long as he says the right thing to cover his ass. Read this OP http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
Time you learned how to take control of how your relationships develop. You do not let anything slide OP, nothing, that's called being a doormat.
OP I feel kind of weird having to tell you what to do with this guy because it's so blatantly obvious to me, I would never talk to this guy again. But I have a feeling you're so needy and clingy (sorry OP) that you're going to keep trying and you're going to get very hurt, the longer this goes on the worse it will be.
Walk away and learn some lessons from it. Think long and hard about how you want guys to treat you and think long and hard about how you can get that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): If this guy is giving you so much headache and confusion at this point of your relationship (supposedly to be "in love???" and having a great life, do you think it is wise to continue? I think you know how to listen to your heart. You are feeling troubled because you know something is not right. So, take the step to make your life be better.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 That's the thing with LDRs. They are in good part depending on "ifs". Sure, IF you had not been living afar,
probably this would not have happened; having you there he would have found much easier focusing his attention just on you, without going fishing on Internet, and in case of problems you could have had much more productive ,resolutive face-to-face conversations. IF.
But, you DO live apart.
It is what it is. Live in reality.
It sounds to me ,though, that if you have solid evidence, not just suspicions, that he has cheated on you, you don't need his confession, and there is no much room left for commotion and confusion- you know what you gotta do : ditch him and move on.
As for staying friends, and when will that be possible, I would not worry too much anyway . Liars make terrible friends- you want friends who are loyal and trustworthy, don't you ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2011):
 LDR are fraught with more problems than one where you can see him regularly and see him often, interacting with friends and family and sometimes even work colleagues.
A LDR minimises opportunities to see the real person. So there is an artificiality about it. Of course it can and does work sometimes. But I think those LDR where the couple have already known each other for one to two years before it becomes a LDR are better. This is because the emotional bonds are stronger.
You have been short changed in this relationship.
Yes, there was something special about you to him, that led to him organizing for you to visit him.
And you too were smitten. But it seems he was not as ready for a committed relationship, as you were.
And being a LDR was so very convenient for players, until Facebook arrived. If he was serious about you he would have logged out of Facebook and stayed out of facebook. In this instance FB proved he's not madly completely utterly and solely in
love with you. Otherwise he would have left his FB dormant, or deleted it entirely.
You do not have to put up with being
manipulated. And in the process it may
mean that the excluded guys start to mount up. But that does not matter. You can only marry one guy at a time. And if you choose well from the pool of:
''worthy to be married to you guys''
Then you are likely to stay married to that one guy.
You don't want to be married to a player. It will result in a lifetime of pain.
And often a loving wife is the last to know.
One of the classic defences a cheater uses is Total UtterOutrage that you would Dare to question their Integrity. Often their is one speck of truth in what they say, to cloak the lies they are trying to cover up. They splutter and carry on about their hurt. The louder and more aggrieved the bigger the lies.
Time to start detaching your heart from this guy.
Look rationally at his actions, instead of listening and believing his sweet talk.
He loves the chase, but once she is 'his' he needs another challenge and that way of behaving is likely to continue. Bringing pain to whoever is his alleged 'main' girl. Not to mention the risk of STD if he sleeps around.
If a cheating lying boy friend situation has occurred before then you need to reassess your values, attitudes and what you believe is OK. It's OK to develop some firm standards about what you will and will not put up with. And some strategy plans under what conditions you will agree to an exclusive relationship. And your exit plans if he does not meeet your standards.
Thing of you as a wonderful well put together quality product. Or a wonderful well organised premium quality person in the job market. Anyone who wants you
will have to be able to accomodate the requirements and standards of that good quality person/product.
So then think of your needs. What do you want in a guy.
No matter how cute, no matter the level of the sweet talk, i know I could not countenance a guy who i thought was not respected by his peers. That's a character aspect one can only decipher by looking and listening and being patient.
There is no urgency to find this perfect guys. Most guys are in no hurry to marry anyway. And the right guy will be just as quietly and steadily observing and listening too.
Also if you have to exit a relationship do it quietly. With dignity. No histrionics. No accusations. You don't even have to give him a reason. No waste-of-time-closure-meeting.
He will know in his heart it is because you discovered his cheating. Even if he will not admit it.
Spend your time more productively thinking about and then writing up the strength of character traits that you expect and need and require in the man you marry. Describe him in complete detail (except for what he looks like) - your list is only about character traits.
And when you do start a new relationship never share even just one snippet of how your previous guy/s treated you, no discussions on who did what when how of your past guys. No mention of being cheated on, nothing about your sexual history. Because it is no one elses business. It's private. Share it only with your Dr if he has to know, if he needs to know, for a medical reason.l
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): If you had sex with him and have got an std test done yet get one asap and make sure you give his name and all location information to the doctor for database logging purposes. He's probably registered in the system. Let this be a lesson. This dude presents a biological risk to you not just an emotional one. Stay away from him. He bad news.
...............................
|
