A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years and we have 4 children. When we got married I weighed 135 and he weighed 180. We looked and felt great. We did alot of outdoor activities. Now I am at 160 and he is about 310. He is fat! I can hardly stand to look at him. To see him without a shirt is disgusting.Oh and the shirts he wears look like nightgowns. He won't even try tucking in his shirts. Of course tucked in t-shirts on big bellied men really doesn't look all that good. I remember being able to curl up in bed next to him and cuddle. The sex was great. He still wants it quite frequently, but me, not so much. Sex is not the same. He is too fat to be on top and too fat for me to be on top. We have had to get creative, which trust me isn't always fun. He was diagnosed with diabetes last year. Whenever we discuss his medication or his doctor's visits, he practically blames the doctor for his having diabetes. I told him once it wasn't the doctors fault he got fat and quit taking care of himself and I really thought he was going to hit me. Nobody knows that he has diabetes and he won't let me tell anyone. He drives truck and eventually if he ends up on insulin that could end his career. He is not qualified to do anyting else. I spend most nights on the couch. I never get adequate sleep. It doesn't bother him at all as long as he has the whole bed to himself. We hardly talk because frankly I have gotten to the point that I can't even stand to hear him talk so I avoid conversation at all costs. How can I make him see that he is disgusting and needs to lose weight. I once come right out and told him I thought he was not very attractive and he made be feel so guilty about it I took it back. I lied and said I was disgusted with myself and took it out on him. I got him to go out walking with me one day and he complained the whole time. He told me not to expect him to do it again and so on. It was awful. Any advise.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 March 2012):
You have to be honest with him that his obesity is making you feel very unattracted to him, because it's the truth, and hiding the truth makes it more difficult to solve problems.
It's more important that you tell him the truth, no matter how much his feelings get hurt, than to protect his feelings by misleading him and allowing him to continue living under the assumption that you're fine with everything.
when sexual attraction turns to disgust, it's going to seriously affect the quality of the marriage since if you're married, by definition you're only allowed to have one sexual partner which is your spouse. therefore, this issue needs to be brought out into the open no matter how uncomfortable it is for you and much he will feel hurt, and not be kept hidden behind other reasons (such as focusing only on physical health but totally denying the psychological or sexual component).
Your feelings of disgust are an innate and visceral reaction. You can consciously control your outward behavior such as the words you say, but you can't change innate feelings of disgust into feelings of attraction, willfully. Thus, this problem is more within his ability to solve than yours. He can consciously do things to lose weight, but you cannot consciously change your innate reactions. But if he is to make the decision to do whatever it takes to lose weight and thereby maintain the sexual intimacy in his marriage, he has to be presented with the entire truth.
I would also guess that he's been having a lot of emotional pain. Excessive weight gain tends to be associated with emotional pain. Thus, he might have to also confront and deal with his emotional pain in a more constructive way in order to be able to lose weight long term, which means all the more that if he is ever going to initiate this huge undertaking of changing his lifestyle to lose weight, he has a right to know the full extent of what is at stake and why he should do it.
If you were truly only concerned about his physical health and did not also feel disgusted, then the sexual health of the relationship would be much better than it currently is. But you do feel disgusted by his obesity. Thus, you have to be brutally honest with him about your feelings, because it's the truth. Of course, you can choose how to word it to be as objective and neutral as possible, and without personal criticism or blame. For example, don't say, "YOU are unattractive" instead, tell him that it's his obesity that's unattractive, because that is the truth and there's a big difference. And tell him that you care enough about this marriage to want things to be different, you want the relationship between you to improve, and that's why you're being honest with him.
After you have been honest with him, how he handles the truth and what he does with that information, is HIS own responsibility, not yours. Your responsibility, as his wife, is to be honest and open with him. If he chooses to deny the truth or blame you for being shallow, he can certainly do that, and if so then he is making the decision to not maintain his marriage. In which case you will then have some decisions of your own to make for how you want to live your own life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): You both need to lose weight and your husband is morbidly obese. His weight gain and diet no doubt brought on the diabetes and he is seriously in denial. There are usually underlying emotional issues that cause someone to become that obese so he may need to address this himself in counseling. I recommend trying to switch to a raw vegan or vegan diet, he will definitely lose weight on that diet and he may even get rid of his diabetes, as well as add years to his life. He may hate walking but that is probably the best thing he can do to exercise at this point without hurting himself. He needs to get outside help to deal with the weight issues.Painful as it may be, you have to talk to him about all of this and tell him what you feel- I wouldn't tell him you're disgusted by him though, that is not going to help- just tell him you are concerned for his life at this point.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 It is a very touchy subject and I think it should be something you two do together so that no one is blaming the other. Sorry for the bluntness but it is not like you are in the best shape either and he will probably get mad and call you out on that if he feels that you are against him. You have to make a lifestyle change and commitment to each other to eat healthier and become more active. I don't know how old your kids are but it wouldn't be bad for them to get involved even if they don't have a weight problem. I think it works incredibly well when the whole family gets involved so that you can all go to the gym together. Also you can all agree to keep junk food out of the house. It is really hard to do this on your own so I hope you can all pull together and make a healthy life style change.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 February 2012):
 You need to be honest with him and drop the silk gloves. I know, he'll get mad. He'll get offended. He'll get hurt. But he needs to hear this.
It's been over 20 years. If YOU can't tell him and have this conversation with him, then no one can. Don't stop talking to him about this until he understands it and starts to take active steps to change his condition. He is living in denial.
He might not change at all, and the only thing you can do is motivate him, tell him the truth, and be honest with him. But while that might not sound like much, it is a difficult thing to do, and it is a big thing to do. You need to do it, you're the only one who can.
His feelings will get hurt, but we're talking about his life here and his career. I say pity his feelings and hurt pride later, when he can afford it. Don't pity him now, or go soft on him now, because right now everything is at stake. His career is at stake, his health is at stake, his marriage is at stake. He can not afford to go by without facing the facts, and you can't afford letting this slide when YOU are suffering from this just as much as he is. If he dies, YOU will be grieving. If he loses his job YOU will be the only financial contributor. If he can't work on his health then YOU are going to continue sleeping on the couch. This isn't about him and his poor feelings. This is also about you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 February 2012):
 Deep sigh... I know how you feel... my now ex husband was nearly 500 pounds and finally we both went and had gastric bypass... and it was a life changing event for both of us. Sadly the marriage did not survive (folks who have had weight loss surgery have a higher divorce rate than average folks for many reasons).
He left me for a woman who is bigger than I ever was... he likes big girls... he's regaining his weight too.. WLS is not magic you still have to watch what you eat and you have to exercise but it's much easier to do once you get the weight off. I'm nearly 3 years out from surgery and I've kept most of the weight off... but i watch it carefully.
It was very very very hard to get started before the surgery I could only go so far with diet and exercise...
Would he consider surgery as a jump start?
what do you keep in the house for food?
do you exercise and watch your weight?
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