A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, we had a court marriage against wishes of my parents then we didnt talk for 1 yr. then it was my sisters marriage where one of my relative insulted me n my dad was of the view that i will have to bear it. at that time we had arguments and then after some days everything was normal. but my husband couldnt forget all that and always feels insulted. whatever my parents do he takes in wrong sense. then we have arguments n fight, i feel helpless maintaining balance. please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (14 March 2009):
 In my culture it was that way also. My generation has changed this, since we were born in Canada. It is very hard to understand they ways of our family. I do believe they have your best interest at heart, but are unable to understand the outcome things. In those days we *as women* were taught to grin to bare it. Always listen to our parents, they were always right. That what ever man we married till the end no matter how bad our marriage is. I understand where you are coming from.
I will say this to you with your culture in mind as I understand it, and have experienced in my family. we must try to allow our husbands to come to understand that in all we do we do for the best intentions. Once you marry no matter who you are, you always get an extented family. You may or may not like all the family memebers. But the close members such as your parents, brothers, sisters inlaws ect. we must try to get along. Try to explain to husband that your parents *the old generation* follow their ways and their thoughts are very much in the past. Your husband does know but he needs to be reminded, because his hurt, *insaults* can not make him see past this. Try kindness towards him. As far as your parents it will seem that can not change their ways and you will have more input on your husband than your parents or sister.
Try to explain to him that it is better to let things go with old generations for they were not educated enough in the ways of today, and see things still as they were in the past. Always try kindness with your husband for he may need to know that you stand by him. Tell him that you do understand his feelings, and if you must, tell him that you know your parents are wrong. They will not around for long time, and for time being it is better to try to put up with things. Help him to see that he has to try to be the better person and take it with a grain of salt.
The most important thing is that you get along with your husband. Try not to add frustration by sticking up for your parents for this might put more strain on your marriage. Do not talk bad about your parents to your husband, but try to explain that you love them also, and that they just are as they are. Sometimes you can't change things or people, but you can except them. Let him know that the times you visit them or your sister is not too often, and sometimes it is just better to try to get through things as best you can.
I hope this has helped you. I know it puts much stress on you and your marriage of which I am sorry for. Though if you try and always stand by your husband he might feel as though he can handle this. I hope it all works for you, and your husband.....take care & good luck
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Eastern culture is slightly different than in the West, at least on the surface.
Your relative, should mind his/own business, instead of insulting you. You did not elaborate what it was that she did or insult, but if it was about your marriage, perhaps your husband felt that he was insulted too.
Your husband probably feels that as a father, your father was obliged to continue to defend his daughter's honor. And in your husband's eyes, your father failed miserably in that department.
Whereas your father, he prabobly considered you as an adult and strong enough to stand up for yourself. The fact that you got married against their wishes was a good indication of that. And legally, you are no longer under his care, you are now married and therefore the responsibility lies within your own new family (husband and wife).
In my opinion, both your dad and your husband were correct in their own "interpretation" of "honor". You might try first telling your husband that, and then tell him that the next time somebody insulted you or your father, or speak against your marriage, to deal directly with you and your husband. With cool heads.
So, instead of blaming your father again, you can ask your husband to forgive, and start to enjoy the interaction, communication, and renewed kinship with your parents now. That way, you will be providing your children with a much healthier and more loving environment with their grandparents!
Good luck!
Cat
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