A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd just like some feedback and just wanna have a vent to someone impartial. I've been split up with my ex for 3 months. I'll keep it short but we were friends/housemates first but there had always been 'something' between us. We decided to go for it when we moved out but it seemed everything went wrong after that. He was always 'quiet' and didn't give a lot away about his feelings, but said that he'd been holding back with me as 1. His friend liked me and 2. He hadn't been involved with anyone for years and was scared things would go wrong. But regardless, it was lovely to start, but he was affectionate, whereas as I'd never though of him as a lovey dovey type. Anyway, things just seemed to go wrong.Despite him being quiet, I still loved having him around, i'm quite chatty so I think we balanced each other out. The sex was amazing and really intimate and I ust knew I could fall for him. However, I wanted us to 'date' and he always seemed busy with work and skint (not tht i cared, i just wanted us to spend time together) anyway, I confessed that I wasn't 100% happy as we weren't seeing each other enough, and at first he said he was just worried, but then he said he wasn't feeling the 'beginning feeling of a relationship' that he should. Even though things weren't perfect, I never thought it was that, i just thought he was being nonchalant, and I did the same not wanting to seem eager. Anyway, he started seeing somebody fairly quickly after and I knew then tht was prob the reason for him being distant. I felt so hurt as we were still in contact and thought we could be friends, When I found out he was with somebody, and apparently smoochy with her, I just felt so betrayed i went cool with him. I just don't think I'm ready to be his friend. I'm ok some weeks, but I still can't quite believe whats happened, as i feel the relationship ended before it begun, and hes doing with her, everything i wanted us to do but never pushed him for as i didn't want to rush him. I'm not a pushover, and i'd never be with someone who didn't want me, but inside i can't seem to let go. What's worse, is I can't understand why I have such strong feelings for him when he doesn't really 'give' a lot to anything. I can't stop thinking about it and feel that I haven't had closure. I keep imagining it being a wind up, then feel silly as although we have known each other a while, we only dated for a few months. How can I love someone that doesn't appear to 'give' a lot and has hurt me like this? HELP!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Thanks for the feedback. I think I'm just questioning everything, which is frustrating. I guess it'll take me a bit longer to get over than i want! Thanks again for reading my ramblings, just needed to talk to someone objective. Hope you've found someone nice after that asshole!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I dont think it is the 'love' you feel that is making you feel like this - it is being left for someone else. That is just about the most painful thing anyone can do - you wanted him, and all the while he was obviously starting a relationship with another woman hence why he was so distant from you.
Often we find it hardest to get over the people who have hurt us the most, and logically it should be the other way around but love doesnt work like that. When you really want something to work out it is very hard to let go of that.
Take me for example, I dated a guy years ago who all of a sudden vanished off the face of the earth without a word. We had an amazing time together and he would say the sweetest things, but then without any warning or indication of what was wrong he vanished and I never heard from him again. Until about 2 and half years later, when I signed up to a dating site and he obviously found me on there at the same time as him by some coincidence - so he messages me. We start talking again, see each other a couple of times, and he says he feels awful for what he did etc. I forgive him on the basis that he is honest with me this time and if he isnt interested simply tell me. So what does he do? Same thing again a few weeks later. And that time around I really couldnt let go, it hurt like hell that I'd been stupid enough to let him back into my life yet he treats me like that again. I couldnt stop myself contacting him, I turned into a bit of a psycho really sending him rather angry messages! It took me a while to get over that, and even now, months later I find it hard to think about it and still feel hurt.
I do ask myself why do I care about someone who was such a dick to me (twice!), and I think it is the not knowing that hurts the most. Not knowing why he did it, not understanding. So I imagine it is the same with you - not really understanding why he was so different with you compared to how he is with the new girlfriend.
There is not a lot you can do now, this is simply part of the healing process. You will feel angry, question yourself, question him, feel upset....all the usual feelings that come with a break up. But the most important thing is to remember that he has been horrible to you and you can do better, and in time these feelings will pass.
We all at some point love someone we know are totally wrong for us even when they have hurt us, it is normal to feel this way dont worry. Allow yourself time to get over these feelings and in a few months you will feel better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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