A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I seperated for a few months. We dated other people, she said was only dating to get to know other people, however we decided to get back together last week and she told me that she had sex with someone else. I know we were on a break (Ross and Rachel) but I am VERY hurt by this. Plus I was the only one she had sex with. I have trouble sleeping and focusing at work.. How can I look at her without thinking about the fact that she slept with someone else? How can I make love to her again without thinking about it???The actual break up was not even close to being this painful. I just want to feel normal again!
View related questions:
a break, at work, get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): I"m the original poster...
We were going to get divorced,but remained friends. I moved out and everything ,but we stayed friends and after awhile we realized we still wanted to be together. We originally broke up because I felt i was always being disrespected, it was me who initiated it. I dont really feel betrayed because we thought the split was gonna be permanent. We both dated and did things with other people, I didn't sleep w/ anyone though. I keep thinking about what she did. I want to know how I can get past this
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): As others have said, why did you have a break? whose idea was it and why? From your reaction I would think it was not your idea, because you are not acting like someone who wants a break. If the separation was your idea, then, sorry, but time to call you a b*** idiot. Having a break means having a break, otherwise its just 'not seeing each other because you are busy'. I'm not sure its easy, but you need to separate out what is most important to you. Is it more important to be with this person, or more important to nurse your hurt pride/sense of betrayal?
Your reaction sounds to me like you never wanted this break in the first palce. If that is the case, then you need to think why your other half wanted it. Now you may need to get over this new barrier between you, but there must have already been another one.
If this all started as some sort of game of chicken where you practically dared each other into doing something stupid, dont let it get out of control. as I said, think what is most important. Ok, I'm older so more time has gone by, but most people have a history with someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Dear Poster
I am just trying to understand; maybe if you can give a little more information then I will be able to get a better overall view and perspective of your situation and the emotions of both parties.
I presume your marriage must have been in serious trouble?
Who's idea/suggestion was the separation?
Did you discuss specific "rules" for this separation period; i.e. you were allowed to date;
Was there a specific time frame for the separation? or was this a trial separation with the intention for a divorce?
Did you have counseling or what else have you tried to reconcile your differences and or resolve your problems before you opted for a separation?
What was the issue or problem that caused the separation?
What made you decide last week to get together again?
Do you have children?
I can understand that you are having difficulty with the information of her infidelity but I need more information and with everything taken in consideration it will be much easier to give you a more realistic answer.There are options such as counseling; but I am afraid you have not given us enough information to make a suggestion.
Looking forward to hear from you with the additional information.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 October 2008):
 If your married and take a break. I believe the vows of the marriage are still effective. Sleeping with someone else is inappropriate. It is so because the actual commitment is with someone else.
Sex in a marriage is the greatest physical sharing to show love for the spouse. The hurt comes from taking that act, and sharing their act of love for you with another person. In order to get through this, you'll have to find it in your heart to really forgive her. The way a parent forgives a child for making a mistake (unconditional love).
Now, as far as taking breaks. I don't believe in them. People I speak to and uncover the actual reason for the break generally isn't caused by the relationship its self. Outside forces, such as stress from work, financial, or emotional all affect those in a relationship, although the relationship is not the direct cause. Learn to work together to overcome issues. Two people together can solve more than two separate people working alone. Taking breaks cover up the real issues, then back together the real issues may still be present.
I hope this helps. I know this hurts, but remember it will only continue to hurt as long as you continue allowing it to do so. Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): You don't say why you seperated in the first place which makes your current marital status difficult to assess fully it could also help explain why she had sex with someone else... I presume you remained faithful during that period
What I am curious about is the reason she decided to tell you about having sex, the logical thing would have been to keep quiet. Did she feel guilty was she ashamed, contrite, quite matter of fact, sassy because it would indicate whether it was a one off or something which is likely to recur.
It appears you've got two options you can forgive the indiscretion and then forget it an action where you mean what you say and take a conscious decision on your part to love her again or you can accept that you can never love her properly and walk away for good...the choice is really that simple..the hardest part is making that choice
...............................
|
