A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel so frustrated I just need to rant.I have known a guy for five years and we have always been friends. We get on really well and stay in weekly (sometimes daily) contact. We socialise every few weeks because we live some distance apart and both have very busy lives. On occasion in the past,we have slept together, it is always relaxed and pleasant but I have love feelings for the guy but although he says he really cares for me, he doesn't feel the same way about love. We can talk for hours and hours, share the same sense of humour and love the same movies as well as so many other things.I find myself getting more and more upset because I can't see him as much as I want, but I never let him see how upset I truly am. I just don't know what to do as I know we will never be in a proper relationship.He is a decent guy and it's unfair to say he is using me just because I can't have what I want from him. We have supported eachother through hard times and have a firm friendship. I did attempt to break away from him for a while, to get over my feelings and we both ended up being distressed and upset and after a little while, he worked his way back into my life. We haven't had sex for over a year, and he never asks but sometimes I wish we could, just so I could feel him next to me.I don't want to get all demanding and dramatic over this and he has told me he misses me a lot when we arn't together and never fails to call me or text me to see how I am.He has had a couple of girlfriends during the time I have known him but the relationships have never lasted and one in particular he was very upset about when it didn't work out, so I know he doesn't have commitment issues.I don't know what to do. I think the world of him, he's my best friend and I am his, but the pain I feel over him not wanting me for a GF is getting worse and worse.Is it possible to live with unrequieted love and ever get over feeling so sad about it?I know he's just not that into me but I do not know what to say to him to let him go...or even know if I will ever feel happy about saying goodbye.He called me tonight to make going out arrangements for next weekend. I want desperately to see him but I know I am just hurting myself...OK rant over!!!Thankyou for reading
View related questions:
best friend, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): That is good that you have finally come to this realisation and I'm sorry that it worked out this way. You're doing the right thing- make sure you tell him it's over for good now. I would just mail his things back to him and that way you don't have to see him again.
He is just using you and he is scared to be alone maybe, who knows, the important thing is that you know this for sure now and that you need to cut this off for good now. No friendship- he is not your friend. He just told you whatever it took to keep you hanging on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell its been a few months since I posted so I thought I would give you guys an update.
I have cotinued to see the guy on a more regualr basis, kind of once a week since October. I didn't, however, see him over Christmas because he said he was too busy but he did spend my birthday with me, brought me flowers and a gift. That was a couple of weeks ago and he has been to stay a few times since (I have also stayed at his a few times). Although I have not been 'in his face' about what is happening with 'us', any attempt to see how he feels about me is met with silence.
I do still feel at armslength and on Friday he told me he felt the closeness wasn't working out for him but quickly added that he wanted to remain friends and go 'out and about' with me lol!!
I am not a stupid person but obviously my feelings have gotten even stronger since October...it's been lovely seeing him more but I finally realise with complete clarity that he is using me, perhaps so he won't be lonely until Miss Right shows up.
He has asked me to come for dinner on Monday, but didn't answer my call or return my text yesterday...so I am fairly sure that Monday won't happen. I also don't think I want to see him.
I have a dilemma...he has left a lot of his clothes, toiletries, his shaving stuff and even the clippers for his head here. There is a huge sack of stuff that I don't know what to do with. I have put it in the spare room, but should I request he comes to get it? or should I drive the 30 miles and just leave it at his door?
My daughter says I am being a little dramatic over it but I am just trying to get reminders of him out of my house. I can't leave the stuff with anyone else because nobody lives near me. I feel a little panicked and upset.
This has been going on for way too long but I think some of you guys were right when you said he probably won't notice if I withdraw. I do feel like a fool and it is that part of me that has clung on to hope that feels the most foolish of all.
I am going to get over this and try to be strong. I don't want to feel anger or bitterness towards him because he truly isn't a bad person, but I just want it to finally be put to rest, so I can move on.
It's been a painful journey!!
Thankyou for all your help xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I agree with the anonymous reader. You need to be watchful, not paranoid, but prudent :). Let his actions talk, not his words, see if he keeps up with the contact and with seeing you regularly without the intimacy yet ( that he says he's missing ).
And , since you have bitten the bullett once, bite it twice and ask him exactly what he means: what does it mean this " exclusive " weekly meetings ? why does not he just say that he wants to date you or that he wants to be your boyfriend ?... I feel in his words and general attitude a suspicious hint of FWB, and if this is not what you want , you'd better shot the idea down from the start.
Maybe I am TOO suspicious , but unluckily his sudden about face could have another very common reason, other than him having finally seen the light and understood how much he cares. The reason is ego, you were for him a very convenient and low maintenance option, a nice " just in case ". Someone whom he does not have to bother about too much, but is interested and caring and always available -just in case. People hate to loose their options, and see the status quo upturned, so they'll say what they need to say to maintain it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Hi,I am so glad you had the talk with him, and so happy to see his reaction. This is very good news for you, the fact that he came immediately to see you, and talk with you is a very good sign. I do agree with you, he's being very honest, and I guess he's really willing to give this relationship a try. I will encourage you to continue seeing him, and hopefully you both can be together forever now. He seems to be a good man, a man of his words, and I do feel like he definitely wants to be with you, he told you so, by saying that he wants to be committed to you, see you in a weekly basis, and so far he's keeping his words. Make sure he's not in contact with the other women you mentioned before. Finally, I think you got him... Good luck and best wishes...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): I would say explore this but be cautious. If he was that much attached to you why not tell you this much sooner in your relationship and why have other gf? I think you need to discuss all of this with him if you haven't in order to protect yourself here. Make sure that he is really exclusive with you since you do live apart from each other. And why didn't he make this decision before you told him what you were feeling? Most people will make their feelings clear earlier in a relationship so as not to risk losing the person. They won't be dating other people. You need to ask him about the commitment and all of the above. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to everyone who offered good advice, I apreciate all your comments.
I did bite the bullet and told him that I just felt things wern't going the way I wanted and that I was hurting. I told him that I wanted a break from him and that I would need lots of time to decide if we could be just friends (without the sex)
Well his response blew me away. He came to my house immediately and asked to talk to me. He told me that he is a guy who takes his time to decide what is right for him but when he makes a decision, it's set in stone. He then told me that he cannot be without me and that he trusts me with his life. He apologised and said hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do and has suggested that we see more of eachother on a weekly basis. He told me he misses the intimacy with me and wants us to be exclusive and develop what we have between us.
He has been calling me everyday and texting and even when he was abroad this weekend, he text me to see if I was ok.
I don't know if he is changing his mind now. Should I dismiss every word he says when he has reacted in this way?
Is saying he wants us to be exclusive and see eachother more, his way of saying he wants to make a commitment?
I felt he was very sincere when he came to talk to me. Do you think I should see how this new approach pans out?
Thankyou again x
...............................
A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (17 October 2011):
You need to accept what it is and move on with your life. You are wasting time but he isnt.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 October 2011):
I think you already suspect that the only sensible ,helpful solution in your predicament would be total no contact. Maybe not forever, but surely for a good while until your feelings have time to be redirected to another object of love and / or die down a good bit, not being constantly fueled by closeness.
What you are doing must be similar to self inflicted torture , insofar it's not even one of those cases where he thinks the world of you but you are just not his type physically ( one can't force himself to feel physical attraction ). No , instead, he things you are a good a good person, and can also bring himself to have sex with you, - he just does not see you as dating /gf material. I am not saying it's his fault, but if you can go on in a situation where you get all these " not good enough " messages, without getting your self esteem at least dented... then you are really strong,admirable and exceptional.
There is also the chance that , seeing through the rose tinted glasses of romantic feelings, you make the weight of this friendship much more than it actually is. Weekly contact, socializing every few weeks... it sounds a pretty normal social acquaintance ( I am in this kind of terms with a lot of people, and we surely don't consider ourselves kindred spirits ). I mention this in case you hesitate pulling the plug on this friendship for fear to hurt him or upset him... sorry to sound cruel, quite probably he will barely notice, or he will and he'll decide that you are busy or found something better to do, but I doubt he's going to commit harakiri .
Like you said, you are only hurting yourself, because you know very well is not friendship you want from him. You don't want what he's got to offer, so what's the point in hanging out... I guess deep down you sort of hope against reason that, the more you get " exposure time ", the more chances you have to see him,... the more there's the possibility he changes his mind and sees you through new eyes, ... never say never of course, but it sounds to me a terribly long, frustrating and painful procedure.You need to move on and you know it, and for moving on, you need to ditch him.
If he wants explanations, you can be honest, why not ? You can say you have caught yourself developping feelings that do not belong to a true friendship and you need to keep your distance for a while. Having feelings is not a crime, if he cares about you he will understand. But tbh I am not even sure he'll want so many explanations, I guess he'll just accept that occasionally people drift apart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Yea its hard on you. He's getting everything he needs without a commitment while you are not having your needs met.
Its a bad situation, I sincerely hope you date other men and continue to look for the relationship you want.
I know of 2 women who are mature, they have been seeing men for 10 and 30 years, its unrequitted love on their part.They tell me its better than having nobody, I am not convinced.But each to their own.I guess companionship is good but not when emotions are one sided.
I hope you find what your looking for.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): I think you need to let it go for yourself. It's good you're not having sex with him anymore, but the feelings are still there and you need to have a long period of no contact. You need to start looking for someone else because this situation will never make you happy- he really is using you without regard for your needs. If he were really a friend he wouldn't do this knowing how you feel about him and that you want more out of the relationship. I feel he is not a good person since he was having sex with you as a friend while having a gf.
Don't see him, cancel the plans and go out with a friend instead. Make this the start of a new beginning for you- give yourself a chance to meet someone who wants you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): I think at one point in our lives we all had a guy friend like that. You know it yourself that u need to let him go. You have feelings for him, and it's not mutual. It's great that you guys are such good friends, but look what it does to you. I ve seen so many people that stick around another person that they are really attracted to, waiting for a return of their feelings. And I saw how much they suffered.
Let him go, don't see him, or forget your romantic feelings for him
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (17 October 2011):
Hi,
Not sure what to tell you. You were very honest about your post, and very realistic. You know the situation well, you are very aware of that this friendship will never be more, or at least what you want from him. Honestly 5 years is a very long time, and it's nice to have a true friend that you get along, that you can count on, but I am afraid that keeping him as friend will only hurt you more...
My opinion, since you made plans to see each other next weekend, go ahead with your plans. Have a wonderful time, relax, enjoy the day with him. When you feel is a proper time, have a serious talk with him. Open your heart, tell him that you are happy to have him as friend in your life, but you have deeper feelings for him, and after so many years this feelings still there, and won't go away. Tell him that you know what you mean to him, but the truth is that you want more from him, but you know he doesn't feel the same. Also, tell evertying you want go tell him, I am sure you have much more to talk about.
After the talk, I'll suggest you to take some time away from him, stop all contact at all. No calls, no emails, or text messages. You need to stay away from him, to get over your feelings. I know it's hurtful, but I am telling you for your own sanity. After you take some time away, who knows you can be good friends, but for now you need to deal with your emotions.
It's time to think about yourself, and your future. You need someone that can truly commit to you. Someone that will love you, respect you, care about you, and share life with you. I feel that if you continue this way, you will waste another few years being in love with him, and who knows, you might miss out men that would love to have a chance with you, because you are so focus. I know he's a good friend, but you mentioned while you are friends, he still doing his thing, moving on with his life, dating, being in relationship with other women? Why are you just letting life pass you by? He's living his life? You should do the same!!
Hope you feel better, find closure, do what's best for you, and your future. I think it's time to make a decision. Hope you make the right decision Hope this helps....
Best wishes & good luck
...............................
|
