A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend's EX used to hit her whenever he was drunk, and she was very scared of him. I'd heard that he abused he sexually as well, but she won't talk about it so I'm not so sure. When we met she was on antidepressants, and hadn't been with anyone but him. We worked in a seasonal job, and it took all season for me to convince her to even give me her number. After a few texts and phone calls, we met up for a drink, it was then when I saw how scared she is of violence. When some idiot started a little fight, she wanted to leave. Afterwards, at our staff party, we finally got together after a mate of hers told me about her ex and why she was so timid. About a year later, I thought she was getting better and was happier.Then one night last week, I was in the local pub and got a little drunk, and when someone started on my mate, I ended up in a fight. My girlfriend had ran out and back to her house before the fight was even over. Now she won't talk to me and whenever she does, she's scared of me and won't see me alone. I'm not like her EX at all, and really do love her, but I don't know how to let her know that I would never hurt her in any way but she won't give me the chance to show it to her.
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male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 She was burned by someone and you acted alot like him at the pub that night. He probably even said alot of the same things to her at some point that you try to say. Like "I would never hurt you" , and stuff like that. Just stay focused. The other comment was pretty right on. Don't go to pubs and drink anymore. dont get in fights anymore. And just be honest with her and very gentle in letting her know you are different then her ex. In time she may start trusting you more. Time is the answer here.
A
female
reader, lonelymessedup +, writes (30 March 2009):
Don't get drunk!
Apologize to her for doing so before.
Don't go to pubs where you could end up in fights like that.
Find other places to spend time with her besides the pub.
As a woman, I know that's what I'd want from my man if he did something like that.
Even if she hadn't experience all that abuse from her ex, this most likely would still upset her.
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A
male
reader, WhiteKnight +, writes (30 March 2009):
 Well dude, I think you know whats going on as its pretty obvious. Her ex clearly treated her in a really bad way, bad enough to depress her and to scar her psychologically in a bad way. I feel really bad for her, I can't stand guys who beat up on any woman.I think she has unresolved issues that are similar to post traumatic stress, any situations involving feelings of aggression will throw her into survival mode - even terror. While I fully understand you stepping up to help your mate (I'd have done the same), from her eyes, she probably seen her ex who did those horrible things to her.Its going to be difficult for her to deal with that. You could be the nicest guy in the world, but seeing you involved in aggression after going through so much will inevitably cause her to associate you with the aggression, even if you're not an aggressive person.If I were in your shoes, I'd write her a long, open, unreserved heartfelt letter. Tell her your feelings, tell her how sorry you are how that situation arose. Send it with flowers. She clearly needs reassurance, and I think therapy is probably a good idea - to be able to speak about her past, her feelings, without fear of judgement - on her own.The poor girls been through a lot. Give her time, give her space, it may take some time for her to trust any guy again, but don't take it personally whatever you do. Show her, through distance (letter/email, online chat?) that you're one of the good guys. Trust is hard earned, especially as things are, so you may have a hard road ahead of you.Sounds like she's worth it though, and really needs a good guy. But for now, I think she needs herself. Speak to her female friends if you can. But don't smother her. In the letter, include your mobile number for texting if she doesn't already have it, email address, MSN address etc. Reassure her, and be humble.Not sure what else to say dude, but I wish you, and her, the best of luck.
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